So I have been struggling with this since I was little. when I was around 5 my dad decided he was going to embarrass it out of me by hazing me, him and his girl friend held me down while taking pictures not allowing me to undress. My dad later tried to use me as blackmail to get bailed out of jail so I was sent to a foster home for a short while until I went to live with my aunt.
It was around 9 when she had discovered my wardrobe, during that talk I explained to her that I wanted to be a girl... well it was more like me screaming it at her while she was yelling at me. She threw me in therapy but not to help me transition. She tried to have it shrinked out of me. I began rebelling a lot, more so than I ever care to admit and she eventually called my mother telling her that she could no longer deal with me.
She according to my mom never told her the entire truth, my mom says she was told I was in need of continued psycho therapy because I enjoyed cross dressing. My mom fought back saying it was normal boy curiosity and did herself find a smaller collection but by this time I was too freaked out by the reactions of the other adults in my life to dare say anything.
I for a long time didn't dress as myself, I pushed it down as I started going through puberty, I became interested in girls on a completely different level. It wasn't until after high school and 5 girlfriends later that I started dressing as myself again. It wasn't that these relationships were fake, it was that not only did I want to be with women, I also wanted to be a woman.
I struggled with my identity as I am sure many others have, thoughts would go through my head of suicide, what was wrong with me, why couldn't I be normal like everyone else (remember this all happened for me before the internet existed), I never felt like I belonged. I had many struggles of denial and set on a path of proving my manhood to myself. I had pushed it down so far that I became fearless. When people were running away from the fight, I was running in.... several ER visits occurred because of this mentality. When the boats on the water were going in due to the storm, I was just leaving the dock as people would shout from the marina "hope you have a cell phone for when you sink".
It was exhilarating, crashing through the waves, water flooding over the decks where the water is not supposed to be. Yes I could have died but I didn't care. I was fearless, a man, I was stronger, braver, and smarter than almost anyone I knew. at least I thought. I had told myself a big lie, I had told myself I was somebody I was not and that those nasty rumors my dad spread throughout my life to everyone I had known were just some stupid sexual perversion I had as a kid.
I had not talked to my family with the exception of my dad since I was around 12 years old. Over the years he would update me of things they had said but it always seemed like he was trying to hurt me. One thing that didn't make a lot of sense then but makes a lot more sense now, is my aunt told him that because of the way I think that I will eventually commit suicide. I took offence to it without knowing the true meaning due to my own denial. throughout the years when I had suicidal thoughts I held strong only wanting to prove her wrong.
when my dad died, I reunited with my aunt, by this time I was married with several children soon to come. We were sitting in my dads hospital room and I was sobbing barely able to put coherent words together. My dad couldn't stand to see me like that, he stated he had never seen me cry before. So I didn't return to the hospital during his final days we spoke by phone. I wasn't at his funeral though I did design the photo slideshow and soundtrack, my aunt was angered that I had any part in it and tried to prevent anyone from his life attending if they were not members of his AA group.
with my dad gone, I felt an obligation for my children to know their family so I set differences aside and tried to make amends. I remember being at a park with my kids and wife as we were saying goodbye to my aunt, thinking see I turned out normal. Never in this period did I feel like I was lying to those around me, I didn't even feel like I was lying to myself.
Early on in my marriage I had disclosed to my wife that I like to wear womens underwear during sex, why would this be out of the norm, I knew she had heard the rumors my dad oh so loved to tell everyone including my mother in law on a Christmas boat light parade. But I was still lying to myself, over the years my wife and I became very disconnected as I retreated into a miserable, angry, shameful person.
My body had started going through transition on its own, I didn't know it. The DRs couldn't make sense of it, my body had prolactin levels of a breast feeding woman, my testosterone was that of an old man. I was becoming a lot weaker, tired and emotional, I did testosterone shots for a while but eventually was taken off since they could not determine the reason for low testosterone. The feelings came back 100 fold. It wasn't something that had happened over night, but as my body became more feminine, boobs, bubble butt etc. I started dressing again. at first it was just a thing or two of the wifes, then it was my own wardrobe.
I knew I had to tell my wife, but I didn't know how. we had a perfect family with amazing kids and had just bought our first house. Then the story of Bruce Jenner broke and my wife wanted to talk about it but I didn't care. then she came home telling me about her uncles friend, then it was her marine friend from work. I thought she knew and was trying to make me comfortable talking to her but oh so wrong I was.
My marriage wasn't a lie, I wasn't lying to those around me. I had spent 30 years lying to myself and it took me finding the truth myself before I could tell anyone. But that is not how people feel and I understand, I am barely beginning to understand this myself how could they possibly understand? My father in law feels that our relationship was based on a lie, my wife feels lied to. My mom feels like my aunt failed by not making me tell my wife before we got married. How could she have? I would have been so incredibly pissed off telling her she was a crazy bitch for ever thinking that was me. It would have been no different then when my other aunt told me, I know what you did when you were a kid.
I understand how this has hurt everyone's lives, and honestly wish I could just put it all back and keep it to myself but that would be the lie, when I finally knew and proceeded to not be truthful to those around me.
