sorry my mental state isn't that well, trigger warnings

I have been on female hormone for 8 years..i still cant decide if I want to have a surgery or not..ever since my mother passed away and I have been looking back at my photos

I am beginning to question my gender again..i wonder if my experience of being bullied traumatized me to the point where I feel unsafe to be a so called male and I transitioned?

I never really thought about being a girl that much as a child. I sometimes think I transitioned because I didn't feel safe to be a male anymore. I also have a very strong hatred (and paradoxically, attraction) to men, I don't know if its because I was very emotionally close with my mother since I was a child and my mother and father never got along and I remember thinking how I identify with my mother and pushed my father further away, and he was so weak and emotionally unavailable.

The experience of being bullied in highschool also pushed me further into feeling like I was a loser. I just start questioning more and more as I entered university and I remember I got laughed at as  I tried to dress more gender neutral and feminine in university, then I got into serious anxiety mode and I was prescribed anti depressant, I also started taking herbal hormones, and then I saw a ONE TIME only session with a gender therapist and he diagnosed with gender identity disorder and I started hormones, but I always wonder if life events caused me to take this path of "in between" where I don't really know what the hell I am, although I do enjoy living as a girl I don't know if I truly am one and I want to have the surgery, but I am so scared to have it, but also scared to not have it because I am getting older now

Even in university, I decided to take on a double major because I cant decide on a single major, why am I like this? Why cant I decide anything?

And another issue is I know I always loved guys, I always wanted to be the "submissive" person in the relationship and I never enjoyed using my "part" except for masturbation, but that doesn't make me a girl, but I think I associate sometimes that being submissive is being a girl, I still feel that way in a sense..
And I also found myself sexually attracted to the people who bullied me , I feel like I am so messed up
Sorry..i just have to blurt it all out, I am not usually like this, but I just cant take it anymore, the worst fear is that i am just an ugly gay feminine boy inside, i think thats the worst thing..sometimes.. I am also moving to a new place I used to live with my now deceased mother, and today we threw away all the furnitures and my brother basically think I brought shame to the family..i am so sad.

If I was normal, that would be great..

but i also felt like i was very submissive and attracted to guys and want to use that part of me other than to masturbate and now i don't even like it anymore because i don't like seeing it so "active", it still feels good physically but its messed up

*sigh*

I think it would be a good time to sit down and talk to your therapist again.

Could some form of aversion therapy be the cause of your gender dysphoria? I don't think so, because like all transgender individuals torturing themselves with this idea, your aversion is actually towards being transgender, which indicates that no such thing had occurred. To alleviate your pain, I recommend you see a therapist to help you with your internalized transphobia.

You sound confused on several levels. Gender, sexual orientation, self esteem..........
I agree with the others that you need to get into therapy. Even when you know what is wrong, it is sometimes hard to get out of that circle mode, stop second guessing yourself and then do something about it. A therapist can help you work on one issue at a time and do so without the emotional involvement that keeps people like friends and family from telling you what they really think.

There is no sense in wasting time chasing your tail so to speak. See if there is a transgender group in your area who can direct you to a therapist who has worked with transgenders or those who aren't sure they are or not. Starting therapy can be stressful because you have to choose one at a time when you don't trust your feelings, but there should be one who you find you can work with.

sam1234

thanks everyone

I tried to reduce my hormones to half a dose, and i just end up breaking into sweats and just get so moody !!

i just feel like i will never figure this out and feel so depressed , but what else is new. hum

i also realize now that i always have OCD issues, as a teeanger, i started becoming obsessed with my pimples and i started using concealer and it just made the pimple worse, i still have OCD issues now, i am obsessed with making sure my bottom is clean, i dont know why, i think its the idea that i dont want my partner to know i am dirty down there, but even when i am not having sex, i still want to make sure its cleaned.

and the spiro t blockers, i feel like its helping me to keep a fit body, because it increases my metabolism, does anyone think like that or am i truly crazy..

surgery truly scares me but i feel like i have to make a decision soon , i been the worst procrastinator , but the idea of surgery really scares me, the cutting and everything...

if theres a pill i can take that would change my part to a vagina, i would do it in a heartbeat