This may be goodbye

Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 12:42:09 AM

Hello everyone.

I have been on this website for a little while now. I have been getting some great support from people I have never met and I am very great fun for that.

Today I learnt that I am not capable of accepting myself and only offend people when I ask questions. I most definitely do not want to offend anybody. It seems that everybody here has either known from a very young age they are trans or those that found out later in life now know for certain that they are trans. I did not always know and I don't anything for certain now. All I know is that I don't fit in.

My posts are all depressing and I don't have anything to offer anyone else. So the best thing is probably for me to leave and just work this out on my own.

I wish you all the very best in life and hope the new year is good to you all.

Take care.

Jayne/John???

Cindy · December 31, 2015, 12:44:32 AM

Know that sounds silly.

I'd much rather you stayed.

Please?

If anyone is hassling you report them and it will be dealt with.

Cindy
Forum Admin

Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 01:08:29 AM

I don't think I'm being hassled Cindy. It's just a misunderstanding. Sometimes it can be difficult to say what you mean with only types words. It is for me anyway. I know that it can be easy to misinterpret someone's words when not talking face to face.

I may stay. I don't know yet. I'm feeling pretty low right now and kind of lost. I'm actually fighting back tears right now because I'm at work and I don't want anyone to start asking questions because I think the waterworks might start.

J

AnonyMs · December 31, 2015, 01:08:58 AM

Some of us are here to help others as a way of working though our own problems, and I'm quite certain I'm not the only one. You're being here, and however depressing your posts might be (or not), that's likely helping others not just yourself. I'd likely not be here if everyone was happy and had found their way. Its a community, we all add to it, we all fit somewhere.

Personally I'm a bit lost, but I've mostly managed to accept it. I am what I am, just not really sure what that is sometimes, and that's fine. Give it time. Lots and lots of time.

Mariah · December 31, 2015, 01:19:54 AM

Jayne, we hope you stay. If something is wrong, as Cindy pointed out, please let us know. We can't fix what we don't know about. Questions are a big way how we learn and grow through our journeys and so important along our transitions. So always feel free to ask questions. Hugs
Mariah

Cindy · December 31, 2015, 01:29:07 AM

Sometimes when we are at our lowest we can never see the sun.

When despair reaches a point when only removal from life seems the only option we have to find something.

When the tears were dripping from my eyes soaking the pillow and nothing was worth facing the next 10 mins I found a strength; I do not to this day know from where. But I wasn't, couldn't, never would give in and let those who abused me win.

You are facing a bad time and have reached despair. But by being here you are stronger. No one likes being TG. No one wants to be.

But I am.

You may be.

There is strength in that. There is strength in questioning.

I offer you my hand to hold when it gets too much. And I never let go.

stephaniec · December 31, 2015, 02:26:03 AM

nothing wrong with sticking around and asking all the questions you want. I ask a lot of questions and sometimes think the towns people might get annoyed , I hope not , but we're all here to help each other and move on in life.

Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 02:27:38 AM

Thank you all for being kind. I just don't know what I need.

I'll sleep on it when I finish work in the morning and see how I feel after some rest.

sparrow · December 31, 2015, 02:33:20 AM

Please stay, Jayne. We need you, to help people like you. It's really important to have late-blooming questioning folk around. I fit that description too. There are a bunch of us here. If not for people like us... then people like us wouldn't find voices here that resonate with our experiences. If you only heard all the self-doubt that I shared with my therapist... believe me, it's been a long hard road to accepting myself, and I still have at least a day every week that I think that I might have just been imagining it all.

Amoré · December 31, 2015, 02:35:54 AM

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 31, 2015, 12:42:09 AM
Hello everyone.

I have been on this website for a little while now. I have been getting some great support from people I have never met and I am very great fun for that.

Today I learnt that I am not capable of accepting myself and only offend people when I ask questions. I most definitely do not want to offend anybody. It seems that everybody here has either known from a very young age they are trans or those that found out later in life now know for certain that they are trans. I did not always know and I don't anything for certain now. All I know is that I don't fit in.

My posts are all depressing and I don't have anything to offer anyone else. So the best thing is probably for me to leave and just work this out on my own.

I wish you all the very best in life and hope the new year is good to you all.

Take care.

Jayne/John???

Don't feel like that my posts are always depressing but these people are good hearted people that won't show anyone away no matter what your story is. Look at my threads some of it is the most heart wrenching around. They are so depressing I normally write them in the moments when I am breaking down.

We are here to help you or just be a shoulder to cry on because we are family end whether you don't fit a box does not matter you are you and we love you for just being you! Is that not the reason all of us is here to be ourselves.

hugs and love Amoray

Sharon Anne McC · December 31, 2015, 03:19:27 AM

*

Jayne:

The journey did not end because I knew my self at an early age - it merely took me down that path rather than another; likely the same, that it did not end for those who found it later in life.

Maybe I was lucky not to have as many doubts as others, but I still fought my self and others to get where I am today and where I hope to be tomorrow.

You are capable of everything you choose to do including determining for your own self your own path at your own time and your own pace. You do 'fit' - you 'fit' in your own place in this world as the unique person you are however you define your self; do not allow others to.take your self-determination from you.

Wise people learn by using the Socratic Method of questions and answers. I do not consider questioning and self-doubt as 'depression' but as worthwhile self-exploration.

Huggs again. Sharon

*

Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 04:31:14 AM

Thank you all once again. I feel a little embarrassed now. I was feeling really depressed when I started this thread and within minutes I started getting messages of support and encouragement. You are all such nice people. Thank you again for being so kind.

pyhxbp · December 31, 2015, 05:04:35 AM

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 31, 2015, 04:31:14 AM
Thank you all once again. I feel a little embarrassed now. I was feeling really depressed when I started this thread and within minutes I started getting messages of support and encouragement. You are all such nice people. Thank you again for being so kind.

Do not be embarrassed. We all go through this stuff including running away and coming back. You are an amateur compared to me because I think I hold the record for departures and returns on here. When you have done it a couple of dozen times let me know ;-)

Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 05:12:37 AM

Deborah · December 31, 2015, 05:36:28 AM

Hi Jayne,

I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better today. Your pain is my pain and I went to sleep last night feeling bad about the lowest point you had reached. Reading you now I am relieved and happy that you are better, if just a little bit. I hope nothing I said last night was harmful and if it was I'm sorry. Sometimes maybe I push a wrong button when trying to communicate complex ideas and emotions over the Internet. It would be so much easier in person. Just remember that the light always follows the darkness as long as you keep your eyes open and keep looking.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 05:45:26 AM

Hi Deborah. You didn't say anything to upset me. Don't apologise, there is no need. I'm sorry I caused you to feel bad. I know it can sometimes be very difficult to convey a message over the Internet unless you are very skilled with words. I lack that skill and getting the thoughts in my head into words doesn't come easy. It's the engineer in me! Maybe I can come up with some mathematical formula to say what I want:) hmmmm....... I'll get back to you on that.

J

Deborah · December 31, 2015, 05:53:06 AM

y=xz. Where y is how you feel, x is where you began, and z is a complex variable representing the process of aligning y and x.

If you find the universal solution for z you win the Nobel prize.

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Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 06:12:29 AM

Deborah, I came up with a sort of formula/program. It probably makes no sense but it is 11pm on New Years Eve and I am at work, so sense is kind of out the window.

GD = INT ;Gender Dysphoria %
D = INT ;Depression %
R = INT ;Reasonableness % ie. Ability to think rationally
T = STRING ;Thoughts

START
WHILE GD>0
THEN IF D>0
R=100-((GD+D)/2)
ELSE
R=100-GD
IF R>50
THEN T="NONSENSE"
ELSE T="SENSIBLE"
GOTO START

END

J

Jayne01 · December 31, 2015, 06:17:05 AM

Your formula actually makes sense to me. I don't have a solution for z, but the formula actually makes sense to me. I was joking when I said a mathematical formula would make more sense to me. Who knew you would come up with something so simple, yet make sense! Thank you.

J

pyhxbp · December 31, 2015, 06:41:02 AM

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 31, 2015, 06:12:29 AM
Deborah, I came up with a sort of formula/program. It probably makes no sense but it is 11pm on New Years Eve and I am at work, so sense is kind of out the window.

GD = INT ;Gender Dysphoria %
D = INT ;Depression %
R = INT ;Reasonableness % ie. Ability to think rationally
T = STRING ;Thoughts

START
WHILE GD>0
THEN IF D>0
R=100-((GD+D)/2)
ELSE
R=100-GD
IF R>50
THEN T="NONSENSE"
ELSE T="SENSIBLE"
GOTO START

END

J

As far as I can see that program only produces no output since the loop variable GD stops the loop from executing. "GD" is uninitialisid but a lot of languages would zero it by default. The program will loop infinitely because of the GOTO, going round and round with no outcome.

Looks like COBOL. I have not done COBOL since 1988.

News:

This may be goodbye

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pyhxbp

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