I think you have your answer. You can't live the old life and need treatment. Your wife want you in couples consoling because she thinks the consoler will side with her against you. There are people who never think they are wrong and your wife appears to be one of them. Unless she is willing to change and accept the changes that will happen to you, this marriage will end and it's only a question of when.

Talk to a therapist about this but the longer you remain in this unhealthy relationship, the more it will hurt you.

Quote from: Dena on December 30, 2015, 02:51:37 PM
I think you have your answer. You can't live the old life and need treatment. Your wife want you in couples consoling because she thinks the consoler will side with her against you. There are people who never think they are wrong and your wife appears to be one of them. Unless she is willing to change and accept the changes that will happen to you, this marriage will end and it's only a question of when.

Talk to a therapist about this but the longer you remain in this unhealthy relationship, the more it will hurt you.

I think you are so right about this she wants my therapist to side with her. She thought my dad was sided with her. They was at a point when I came out but now they changed.
The only change she really had to accept was that I had dysphoria that I had under control when I coped with it alone. She wanted to know why I wanted to have a man bun! why I whore concealer sometimes.

I realised the help she have isn't sufficient. This person is the one that encouraged her to divorce and get out. She is seeing a therapist but this person is not helping much with acceptance rather telling her to jump the gun. Well I realised that she has a major identity issue from that I met her she was never comfortable around other woman took long to make friends. She don't dress feminine her hair is always in a pony tail she never wears makeup. I could never understand it really. She won't wear heels also no girly shoes no dresses skirts nothing.

I wonder if my issue did not bring up a part of her that scared the crap out of her and she is afraid if she stick longer it might come up or her family and friends might question her sexuality. I came out to all of them when I started my transition.

Quote from: Amoré on December 30, 2015, 02:41:16 PM
If I may ask did you transition in the end?

Thanks, am transitioning now.
For ref, from what you've described I don't feel there is a comparison in that regard between our circumstances, in that you are far further along in transition and feminine expression as your way of being than I was when in the marriage situation I described.

I was quite feminine as a teenager, but then other life and circumstances took over...

Yes, I would suggest most cisgender wives with TG spouses must deal with their own sexuality being questioned.  "Are you two lesbians now?"  That is not an uncommon response we have heard over the last few years as that binary thinking is so pervasive.  Ill informed people also consider that one member of a gay or lesbian relationship must be the husband or wife.  For those less educated it seems the world is still black and white, male and female.  How very limited.

Good for you in making that clear declaration of who you are when coming out about your transition.

Thank you guys I slept nothing last night and feel like I am dying inside at this stage.

I am so broken. This is the wife I married and I can't understand how she became this selfish person that does not think about her family and stopped caring about everything but herself. She says she is protecting my child against me but from what? Except from the fighting of me trying to speak to a stubborn person that does not want to listen to anyone about fixing our marriage we never in our while relationship fought. We had our moments but not ugly like it is now.

She looks if she want to control the whole situation. We can have a fight now and it will look if it does not bother her it does not move her emotionally she will go on with her life as if nothing happened and not bat an eyelid at the distress and screams for help and fixing that her relationship is in. I feel like she is causing her child more pain with this stubborn behaviour she reckons that she must be the stable one for my child but really?

I really don't know what to do it hurts like hell walking away I want to speak to her and let her understand that it does not have to end this way. But what she is feeling is different she believes the best thing to do is divorce and she is telling me she already made up her mind and nothing is going to change it. 

This morning I was sitting here at my fathers house and we started arguing.

This is stuff that is making me mad they decided for me I am not happy with myself. I told them so what you want to tell me I must become a woman then. They can't understand that I am unhappy with the situation that I am in they are accusing me of being unhappy with myself but in fact I am unhappy with the stupid abusive situation I am in. I thought my father would really understand the situation but rather it became a session of bashing me. I am so fed up of them telling me I don't know what I want to be! I want to stay a man to rescue my marriage but then I don't know what I want to be. I am so fed up that I feel I just want to transition that they stop irritating me. Because if I stay a man I don't know what I want to be because I have gd that I can't help.

I just learned to cope with my gd but by my own choice I will transition if I am free and not tied in marriage to someone because then it is none of their business. How many times did I really post on here and said I was unhappy with myself it is always about some crises I have in life due to circumstances. Then I decide well screw it I am going my own way just to end up circling around.

They are telling me I must sort myself out well don't they think circumstance can drive you insane. I am cough between a rock and a pile driver. I am being controlled by her. Will this always be a issue for them wondering if I am happy with myself. If I had a bad day at work will they see it as I am unhappy with myself.

This is the thing they want to tell me the all are completely happy with themselves? I made a choice to stay a man and try and rescue this thing I am calling a marriage. I left hormones I don't mind being a man gd comes and goes like it did all the years but being emotionally abused and threatened with divorce each day is not healthy. Then I asked why do you threaten me every day, she told me so that I don't give you hope. Hope of what? DO she want to see if I stay a man if there is no hope left? If I stay a man without them?

I was told I must be happy with myself for myself well I feel I would be happy with myself if I can fix this whole thing. If transitioning would have made me happier than having my marriage back and my loved ones would I not choose that above them? But they are forcing me to transition and put that above my marriage. I understand they want me to be happy and sort myself out but really?

Are they seeing something that I don't see is my dysphoria really that obvious?

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 03:18:46 AM
They are telling me I must sort myself out well don't they think circumstance can drive you insane. I am cough between a rock and a pile driver.  ... I made a choice to stay a man and try and rescue this thing I am calling a marriage.

They are almost right. You do need to sort things out rather than yourself. The abusive situation with your wife is probably the major obstacle in your life and I am sorry to say that, given what you have said about it, I think your marriage is doomed. I cannot see how you can save it. What does your family say about the marriage? Talk to them about that.

For a marriage to be a marriage it requires two people to consent to being in it. Since you say that your wife has said the marriage is over then it is over. It cannot be one-sided because it requires commitment from you both.

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 03:18:46 AM
Are they seeing something that I don't see is my dysphoria really that obvious?

Probably yes. They certainly see your unhappiness if not your dysphoria and I am sure that they do not want you to be unhappy.

I went over a list of 30 signs of emotional abuse and ticked the ones that matches my situation I was left shocked.

This is the list:

They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

They use sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

They accuse you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

They try to control you and treat you like a child.

They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

They accuse or blame you of things you know aren't true.

They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

They don't show you empathy or compassion.

They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

They don't seem to notice or care about your feelings

They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

They share personal information about you with others.

They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

Out of 30 I am experiencing 25 of them this is sort of an eye opener and explains why I am feeling like I do most of the time. A lot of this is even before I came out to her.


I could have put an example with each one but I will rather not! How must I go about it must I invite her for her invitation at my therapist to bash me and bring these things up and tell her what she is doing even if she realises it or not because I told her she is emotionally abusing me and she is obviously denying it.

From that I came out as trans it just was if she felt she have the right to abuse me. She tried to change and be a good wife but she fell back in her same pattern very quickly.

She is playing a stupid game because this morning she told me in front of my father if I fix myself then we will see in the far future if we can get back together. The problem is not in the far future it is now. I have a lot of mornings that I get up and I'm positive I carry her on my hands. I try my best to fill every wish and at the end just to hear I am trying to manipulate her how is that manipulation?How if I fill her wishes am I trying to manipulate her?

If I try and be more positive about my marriage if I decide I am staying a man because that is what she wants I am trying to manipulate her. There is just no pleasing her because if you fix the one thing and concede to her demand she just comes up with something else.

The thing is I realised this has been going on for a long time. I am not broken by being transgender I am broken because of the bashing I have been enduring. I was transgender my whole life and I decided not to pursue it when I met her and I was happy with my choice.I was still happy with my choice when I told her about it again. But her abusive nature drove me into the ground stripped me of the last piece of integrity that I had to the point that I did not feel human anymore. I felt I am invisible to her why must I live then I had no value left. My suicide attempt was not because I can't transition I can transition any time I want I got my hrt with me. It was because I felt I had no value as a human anymore. I had no value living and no value to there life's.

I realise there is no other way than to start being selfish. I must start protecting myself.  Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. I am trying to do this things. I really need to get to my therapist but they are not open this time of the year only back on the 6th.

She told me she can't take being emotionally abused. I sat and asked her what do you mean she said if I want to grow my hair long and she does not like it I will try to negotiate with her to get my way. That is because I feel I need her permission for everything including who I am supposed to be.I was emotionally abusive because I used my own money to fund my hobbies I still gave her everything she wanted but she said no I am not allowed to buy them and she said no is no and we had an argument until she decided I am allowed to buy the helicopter. She said this is emotional abuse towards her because I did not give in till she gave me what I wanted.It rather looks like a power trip from her side and when she had a loss of power over me and I did what I want to she screamed emotional abuse. This begs the question it is my hard deserved money and there was no money problems why am I not allowed to treat myself.

I really would not wish this on my worst enemy now that I realised what is really happening and starting to see the patterns.My therapist started to see the patterns of emotional abuse she told me you are being accused of abusing but you are being abused.

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 05:48:44 AM
I went over a list of 30 signs of emotional abuse and ticked the ones that matches my situation I was left shocked.

It is hard to judge a situation from the inside, it is often easier for others who are less involved to see the whole picture.

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 05:48:44 AM
she said if I want to grow my hair long and she does not like it I will try to negotiate with her to get my way. That is because I feel I need her permission for everything including who I am supposed to be.

No one should have to seek permission to be themselves.

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 05:48:44 AMI really would not wish this on my worst enemy now that I realised what is really happening and starting to see the patterns.My therapist started to see the patterns of emotional abuse she told me you are being accused of abusing but you are being abused.

It sounds like you will have a lot to talk about when you next see your therapist, but now that you are aware of your own situation it will help you resist her.

There are two truths you need to understand. Love can blind us to the faults in others and as people age, they change and not always for the better. It's very likely that both of these truths are in play between you and your wife. She may have had the selfish side when you married but chose to ignore it out of love and over time, I think she has become more controlling because she has learned she has very strong control over you. It will hurt but the only help I can see for you is to break the link with her because you aren't strong enough to dominate her. You are a sensitive personality and that type of domination takes somebody pretty ruthless. Becoming that type of person would destroy you as a person.

"Life Sucks and then You Die" is the underlying philosophical lesson you were being lectured about. Suck it up; Get over it; You made your bed now lie in it; etc.. You know the drill. When you look back in literature and in history people chasing their dreams are scorned upon. They upset the natural order of things.

Yes, we all made choices and those decisions have consequences. Some good, some bad. There is never an absolutely right decision. Having spent a lifetime as an engineer, I have heard time after time about engineers never wanting to 'Let Go" of things. always wanting to make it perfect. Add in one more feature. One of the things that separates me from the pack is my philosophy of A) The rent needs to be paid. As in we got to sell something and make money at it. and B) There is always next years model.

I grew up surrounded by water and loved boating. So did my wife. For her it was sail boats. It appealed to her Scottish heritage (you don't have to buy gas). I saw all the work involved in a sailboat and said I like to turn the key and go. "Turning the key and going" is how most people go through life.

There is an old sailing adage that took a long time to sink into me as it applies more to life then to actually sailing. "It is not about the destination but the voyage". Sailing teaches you that you constantly need to adjust for the winds. Much like in life you always need to adjust for what life throws at you. And THAT is work. Which is why you see so many power boats on the water vs sail.

If you happen to be trans there are two ways to go through life. Take the "Life sucks and then you die" approach as I did for some 40 plus years. Believe it is a complete fools errand to even think that you change your circumstances. Worse of all, believe that you do not deserve any happiness, any joy because of who/what you are. Or, you can make adjustments for the winds of life and what the seas are throwing at you. Have a destination in mind but enjoy every port you find yourself in on the way there.

One of my all time favorite movies since I was a kid is Harvey staring Jimmy Stewart. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042546/?ref_=ttqt_qt_tt Since it's B&W it is never played on the tele any more. There are two great quotes I often think about:
Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

And especially
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 03:18:46 AM
This morning I was sitting here at my fathers house and we started arguing.

This is stuff that is making me mad they decided for me I am not happy with myself. I told them so what you want to tell me I must become a woman then. They can't understand that I am unhappy with the situation that I am in they are accusing me of being unhappy with myself but in fact I am unhappy with the stupid abusive situation I am in. I thought my father would really understand the situation but rather it became a session of bashing me. I am so fed up of them telling me I don't know what I want to be! I want to stay a man to rescue my marriage but then I don't know what I want to be. I am so fed up that I feel I just want to transition that they stop irritating me. Because if I stay a man I don't know what I want to be because I have gd that I can't help.

I just learned to cope with my gd but by my own choice I will transition if I am free and not tied in marriage to someone because then it is none of their business. How many times did I really post on here and said I was unhappy with myself it is always about some crises I have in life due to circumstances. Then I decide well screw it I am going my own way just to end up circling around.

They are telling me I must sort myself out well don't they think circumstance can drive you insane. I am cough between a rock and a pile driver. I am being controlled by her. Will this always be a issue for them wondering if I am happy with myself. If I had a bad day at work will they see it as I am unhappy with myself.

This is the thing they want to tell me the all are completely happy with themselves? I made a choice to stay a man and try and rescue this thing I am calling a marriage. I left hormones I don't mind being a man gd comes and goes like it did all the years but being emotionally abused and threatened with divorce each day is not healthy. Then I asked why do you threaten me every day, she told me so that I don't give you hope. Hope of what? DO she want to see if I stay a man if there is no hope left? If I stay a man without them?

I was told I must be happy with myself for myself well I feel I would be happy with myself if I can fix this whole thing. If transitioning would have made me happier than having my marriage back and my loved ones would I not choose that above them? But they are forcing me to transition and put that above my marriage. I understand they want me to be happy and sort myself out but really?

Are they seeing something that I don't see is my dysphoria really that obvious?

Quote from: Lyndsey on December 30, 2015, 12:54:21 PM
Hi Amore

I have to say that I think it is time for you to get out while you can and before she gets violent and gets a restraining order against you. Don't worry about your daughter if your wife is a good care taker. You will never be denied the right to see your daughter. Always be yourself around her, If you are going to be the women then you will want to do that in front of your daughter. She is only 2 years old. she will always love you no matter what. Also never say anything bad to her about your wife as that is not right for your daughter or you. If you want her respect when she gets older, you will  by doing that. If your wife beats you up in front of her it will come back to get her in the end. Unlike you my wife left me and all my children in 1990. She took off with some one who was suppose to be one of my best friends. I am so happy he did me the favor now as she was and still is a raging alcoholic. I raise all three of my children from 9weeks old till they got married and moved out. I came out to them first and they all said they were fine with it as i was alway both mom and dad any way to them. I know it is hard right now but everything will get better. Time heals! I would be lying to you if I told you that it wouldn't be a tough couple of years ahead of you but keep your head up it will get better. I will be here God willing If there is any way that I can help PM me.

Big Hug's
Lyndsey

I feel this is such good guidance all round.

I know you love your wife amore but from your postings it's time to move on. My wife knows where I draw the line and she knows too cross said line means I'm gone,I love my wife but not enough too give up who I am. I feel of you move out of that toxic environment you will be much happier.

All of you have such good advice it is just that I am battling with this thing I call my heart. I am a fixer of nature and I would love to fix my relationship. But I know I can do only so much if she does not want to cooperate. I must try to focus on the things I can control.

I am trying to figure out my new years resolution but I know that would not include fixing my marriage because I can't fix it only from my side.

I would try to go with something like focus on other aspects of my life. They said I am broken and I need to repair myself I feel fine actually it is my situation that needs to get direction and be resolved.

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 12:20:48 PM
All of you have such good advice it is just that I am battling with this thing I call my heart. I am a fixer of nature and I would love to fix my relationship. But I know I can do only so much if she does not want to cooperate. I must try to focus on the things I can control.

I am trying to figure out my new years resolution but I know that would not include fixing my marriage because I can't fix it only from my side.

I would try to go with something like focus on other aspects of my life. They said I am broken and I need to repair myself I feel fine actually it is my situation that needs to get direction and be resolved.

Dear Amore, your post reminded me of the saying/proverb:

QuoteMay I manifest the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sending you my heartfelt best wishes for the new year.

Quote from: Amoré on December 31, 2015, 12:20:48 PM
I would try to go with something like focus on other aspects of my life. They said I am broken and I need to repair myself I feel fine actually it is my situation that needs to get direction and be resolved.

Amoré, I know others in this thread have said "get a lawyer", but it's worth repeating. If you end up divorcing, you'll wish you got that legal advice sooner rather than later.

Could it be part of a New Year's Resolution? Get a consultation and some advice?

I have been following your threads now for sometime because for me you have been truly inspirational, I have refrained from replying because of a feeling of guilt due to my wife being understanding. I have to agree with Dena, you must move on, I too am a sensitive person and as she said trying to dominate her will only destroy you at your core.

Before I finally excepted myself our marriage was a constant battle ground that matched exactly what you describe of your current situation. The power struggle and arguments were superficial to the real underlying problem. She was a constant emotional abuser but in her defense it was because I hid my sensitivity and true self which would end in me digging my heals in and filling my heart full of rage.

I was consumed by it, exploding on her and my children on a regular basis. I myself didn't understand why I was so angry all the time, I hated the world, hated that she didn't hear my cries for help, I felt alone and that feeling only got worse when she had an affair with an ex of hers that she always fell back to when relationships failed.

She was my world, I had spent years giving her a life that many could only dream of, huge house, luxury vehicles, kids wonderland with their own private park. But that was all superficial making up for the unrest within. I remember saying to a friend when she began to wonder again, that it was like I had given her everything she ever wanted but I was the wrong person to fit in her perfect little picture. It's because I wasn't, I wasn't me.

While I did end up with a supporting wife after all was said and done, you and I have many similarities in what we have faced. You are just going through the path in reverse order and I can tell you from experience that is no way to live, it will bring you to such a dark place that you begin to question taking your own life.

I don't say this lightly but you need to leave her for both your sake and your children, have you thought about how things would have been if she was supportive? Do you feel that it could have somehow been an easier decision? My experience is that it is not, it helps with the freak factor to be so well accepted but it makes the decisions much more difficult in how it will affect your family going forward.

I see you constantly struggling with not going through with it to save your marriage but reality is your marriage is already gone and choosing to stay now will only put you in a place I lived in the last 5 years and I promise you what you are dealing with now is a cakewalk to what it will become.

Even if she had been accepting the struggle you face now of should I go through with it for the sake of saving your marriage would still be there and it wouldn't have been any easier. My wife says she feels that it would have been easier on me if she had not been understanding and turned into someone like your wife. (we talk about your story)

For me my truths are if I wasn't married, I would have already transitioned. I'm scared shirtless of what this will do to my children. I'm scared shirtless of losing my wife due to outside pressure or her not being attracted to me after my transition. She herself is scared of not being able to sexually please me or falling out of love with me. I know that I need to try to be the best me but what will the cost of doing so be? I pray that she too can find happiness after all is said and done but that might not be a reality. So do I transition and see how she feels and revert if she's not okay with it, then try to find a happy medium where we both can be somewhat happy? Or what if she's okay with it throughout the years and once SRS is complete she freaks out and its too late?

I truly feel you will be in a better place once you find it in yourself to move on and I hope that what I have written today can help you find peace with that decision. I just wanted to try and give back because your story has helped me come to terms with things more than you know.

Quote from: kellie5 on December 31, 2015, 10:54:19 AM
I feel this is such good guidance all round.

Thank You Sweetie I only want the best for all of us. We all have it very hard and each one of us has a very different situation that is unique to each of us. Like My wife left me and the kids. Oh well the Guy that took her can keep her and I was miserable with her and so weren't my children. As she is and still is a raging alcoholic. I drink very little. But I can't lie I do like to have a few when the time is right. If I was Amore I think that this is not a good time to drink as she needs to keep her mind threw all that she is going threw. My Heart goes out to her as I can feel the pain she is feeling. I was crying when I read what she wrote this morning. She has a very hard 3 or so years ahead of her. But she will get threw it. I want her to know she can PM me 24-7 as I'm a light sleeper and would do what ever I can to help her and comfort her.

By the way I just saw your request on Facebook and you are welcome.

Love
Lyndsey

+1 what Cheryl Reeves said.  It is time for you to walk away from that marriage, if it can even be called that any more.  You keep going on and on about staying a man and saving the marriage, but really, there is nothing left to save.  What you have is a marriage that exists only on paper.

With this whole "staying a man" thing you are a knight charging up to save Rapunzel, only she does not want to be saved, and she is most assuredly not letting down her hair.

And you, poor knight, are sitting out in the cold, when everyone is telling you to move on.  So, stop trying to be a knight you were never meant to be.  Walk away from that marriage, and go be the princess you always knew yourself to be.  You will be a lot happier.

Quote from: Mavis on December 31, 2015, 04:13:25 PM
I have been following your threads now for sometime because for me you have been truly inspirational, I have refrained from replying because of a feeling of guilt due to my wife being understanding. I have to agree with Dena, you must move on, I too am a sensitive person and as she said trying to dominate her will only destroy you at your core.


Before I finally excepted myself our marriage was a constant battle ground that matched exactly what you describe of your current situation. The power struggle and arguments were superficial to the real underlying problem. She was a constant emotional abuser but in her defense it was because I hid my sensitivity and true self which would end in me digging my heals in and filling my heart full of rage.

I was consumed by it, exploding on her and my children on a regular basis. I myself didn't understand why I was so angry all the time, I hated the world, hated that she didn't hear my cries for help, I felt alone and that feeling only got worse when she had an affair with an ex of hers that she always fell back to when relationships failed.

She was my world, I had spent years giving her a life that many could only dream of, huge house, luxury vehicles, kids wonderland with their own private park. But that was all superficial making up for the unrest within. I remember saying to a friend when she began to wonder again, that it was like I had given her everything she ever wanted but I was the wrong person to fit in her perfect little picture. It's because I wasn't, I wasn't me.

While I did end up with a supporting wife after all was said and done, you and I have many similarities in what we have faced. You are just going through the path in reverse order and I can tell you from experience that is no way to live, it will bring you to such a dark place that you begin to question taking your own life.

I don't say this lightly but you need to leave her for both your sake and your children, have you thought about how things would have been if she was supportive? Do you feel that it could have somehow been an easier decision? My experience is that it is not, it helps with the freak factor to be so well accepted but it makes the decisions much more difficult in how it will affect your family going forward.

I see you constantly struggling with not going through with it to save your marriage but reality is your marriage is already gone and choosing to stay now will only put you in a place I lived in the last 5 years and I promise you what you are dealing with now is a cakewalk to what it will become.

Even if she had been accepting the struggle you face now of should I go through with it for the sake of saving your marriage would still be there and it wouldn't have been any easier. My wife says she feels that it would have been easier on me if she had not been understanding and turned into someone like your wife. (we talk about your story)

For me my truths are if I wasn't married, I would have already transitioned. I'm scared shirtless of what this will do to my children. I'm scared shirtless of losing my wife due to outside pressure or her not being attracted to me after my transition. She herself is scared of not being able to sexually please me or falling out of love with me. I know that I need to try to be the best me but what will the cost of doing so be? I pray that she too can find happiness after all is said and done but that might not be a reality. So do I transition and see how she feels and revert if she's not okay with it, then try to find a happy medium where we both can be somewhat happy? Or what if she's okay with it throughout the years and once SRS is complete she freaks out and its too late?

I truly feel you will be in a better place once you find it in yourself to move on and I hope that what I have written today can help you find peace with that decision. I just wanted to try and give back because your story has helped me come to terms with things more than you know.

Wow Mavis I would of never imagined that my story would help someone! I felt like I am actually becoming a nuisance with this whole thing getting nowhere.

Your story is in a way similar to mine.Although my wife did not cheat she was emotional abusive and I think that is where I started to really crack. She was trying to control every aspect of my life. As I am sitting here and assessing the past in a new year I realised that what she did she could not help it is just her nature that is whom she is. When I came out she could not control the dysphoria feelings like she tried controlling me. I felt if I was only one more item she owned that she could brag with by her friends! With me she was always two steps in front of her friends.

The problem is and all of knows this fact don't poke dysphoria with a stick it will bite you and the longer you poke the more irritated the lion gets that is if the lion can be tamed. The main thing with the lion is it has one owner and friend it trusts one "handler". Don't put another person in that cage he is in for ->-bleeped-<-. Sometimes the lion can have more than one handler and this is in your case a wonderful gift although the lion and the second handler had their struggle they manages to befriend the lion and be a handler it is not their lion but they assist with handling it. Then there is the "I want  will control this lion for you step back type" This is when the lion gets upset and wants to rip that person to pieces and not only the person that cage it is in the handler can do what he wants to calm the lion the old methods the coping skills and this lion is upset.This is the wife that takes your problem and want to control it for you and tell you to step back and watch how she fix this. But by trying to fix it she gets frustrated because it wont go away! She start doing what she knows best to control you and the lion is just getting more upset. Then when she can't get control over your lion she moves on to your more vulnerable animals of yours to prove that she can tame them because she could not tame and handle your lion. The problem is this she rattles all the cages at the end and you sit with the animals in the state that she left them in.

The thing is once you are out you tell people you have a lion in that cage and everybody want to handle your lion. Same with don't feed the monkeys you will always get the person chucking food into the cage.

If I was not married or got married I would have also transitioned. I think if you have an accepting wife you are blessed. I can understand coming out to the kids and family is very stressful it also makes it very stressful for her. But at least you have someone to stand with you. All the things that you mentioned is a worry we had the same worries when she was "accepting".

The part that hurt me allot was that I gave her the same option of if you don't like what you see I will stop and revert if she wanted me to stop I would stop.

The unfair part is while I was on hormones she did not ask me to stop when I opened my eyes she was just jumping ship.
Why could she not just communicate with me and sat down with me and said honey I am not comfortable with this and you know the rest. Rather than setting of a chain of events to control me even though she did not want to be with me.

The strange part is I am sitting here and I can see her ways. The pattern of control is clear and I tested it the moment she lose power she gets upset and forceful and hurtful. She starts lashing out. Then she start breaking you down till there is nothing left of you.

My question is does she use divorce to intimidate me and control me that if she feels she does not do it I will transition?
She keeps on telling me don't have hope don't try I will decide if we can be something again. When I get hope she will break me down using emotional abusive ways until there is nothing left of me and walk away as if nothing happened. 

Is this her way of gaining power again and possession? It lets me think of the the situation in some countries where the people have nothing no hope dreams nothing and that is the way the leaders wants it. If that people gain hope and start to see some light they are punished as traitors or whatever they are stripped of that hope. Because if people get too much hope they can lose control they can lose everything in there life. Because the people will overthrow the government. They see this as protecting themselves "this sounds so familiar". Is this the case what my marriage turned into her the dictator and me the people.

I don't know I really have to get to my therapist and speak to her about this.