So I have been staying with this man who is much older than me (30 yrs), and the last couple of days things have not been working out, and I was ready to leave, because I find him very violent, and aggressive. Today, he told me that someone he knows clocked me (he got sent  a picture of the cover of a magazine where it was written, that charlie sheen got hiv from a transexual, and that right after his family had me for thanksgiving, he told me one of them has a salon and they must have figured something about me, even tho that woman told me that I am a beautiful girl and I should be with someone more my age) and he doesn't care, and that other men would dump because of that, and that yesterday he went to a the same party and they asked him "where his partner was" multiple times, instead of saying "girlfriend", at first I thought he would just say that because he wanted me to feel like he's the only one accepting me, but now I tink that Im stupid and delusional, that I'm never going to pass, that I was stupid to think that I was passing, and that if people don't always tell me is because they pity me, and are trying to be nice. 4 Months ago I was clocked, walking down my high school, two guys look at my face and said "oh damn that's a n-word", and they looked surprise maybe because they didn't get it until they looked at my face without make up, because I wasn't wearing make up I thought it was just because of that, but I think my brain is making excuses to make me feel better about myself... I am not passable, and I am crying... So my question is, how do you accept that you're never going to pass?

First of all, from your avatar, you look very cute - great picture!

Passing is wonderful and I suppose is very important to most of us. But I'd also say that the really good people out there are not going to care primarily about your beauty or degree of passing in terms of developing a long-term committed relationship. Real friends care most about the inner you. Heck some of us don't look that great in either our male or female presentation. If your degree of beauty is what is most important to a guy - he's probably not going to be there for you when the first snag in the road comes between you.

Love,
Denali

I think you pass fine. The situation your in is a lot more troubling. Being with an older man who's violent is definitely not good. Just my 2 cents you should go to an LGBT youth center and asked for some help.

Melanie you are so cute . When i registered to Susan's , you were one of the person that was inspiring me. I am honest, i was like "oh my god i will never look this good" before i begun my transition. Then arrive this moment that i understand more what suits me with clothes, makeup , hairs and massive effect of hormones. I realised that i will never be able to look like Selena Gomez even with 100k $ surgery however i begun to look at other womans and figured that my face has similitude with Megan Fox and Marie Mai and i understood what was possible for me to acchieve. I understood and accepted that right now i am a pottery that is getting remodeled and i cannot ask for a masterpiece to be built overnight.   I still look at myself and feel like i look terrible and that i will never pass  but this come and go. I made a post about this last night about me having rollercoaster .What i noticed is the more I feel confident about myself the more i pass or get accepted.  So be confident, you totally pass and you look pretty, some people are just stupid and you dont have to be trans to find some idiot like that.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 01, 2016, 09:23:37 PM
I think you pass fine. The situation your in is a lot more troubling. Being with an older man who's violent is definitely not good. Just my 2 cents you should go to an LGBT youth center and asked for some help.

Melanie,

You are getting good advice here.  The critical thing is what Stephanie has pointed out.  You need to get into a situation where you are safe.

As far as "passing" about 90% of this is confidence -- and you appear to have plenty of reason to be confident.

Just my $0.02...


Erin

Quote from: Melanie ♡ on January 01, 2016, 09:04:16 PM
So I have been staying with this man who is much older than me (30 yrs), and the last couple of days things have not been working out, and I was ready to leave, because I find him very violent, and aggressive. Today, he told me that someone he knows clocked me (he got sent  a picture of the cover of a magazine where it was written, that charlie sheen got hiv from a transexual, and that right after his family had me for thanksgiving, he told me one of them has a salon and they must have figured something about me, even tho that woman told me that I am a beautiful girl and I should be with someone more my age) and he doesn't care, and that other men would dump because of that, and that yesterday he went to a the same party and they asked him "where his partner was" multiple times, instead of saying "girlfriend", at first I thought he would just say that because he wanted me to feel like he's the only one accepting me, but now I tink that Im stupid and delusional, that I'm never going to pass, that I was stupid to think that I was passing, and that if people don't always tell me is because they pity me, and are trying to be nice. 4 Months ago I was clocked, walking down my high school, two guys look at my face and said "oh damn that's a n-word", and they looked surprise maybe because they didn't get it until they looked at my face without make up, because I wasn't wearing make up I thought it was just because of that, but I think my brain is making excuses to make me feel better about myself... I am not passable, and I am crying... So my question is, how do you accept that you're never going to pass?

Wow, these are just pitiful excuses of people. Well, the thing to keep in mind is that you do pass, but the case must be that you don't under all conditions. I was the same way for a while (maybe still am), and I just had to repeatedly tell myself, "It's inevitable that I will someday pass effortlessly. Given that, even if it takes two years or something, it is WORTH it, as I'm only 22."

This is the mentality I maintained whenever, for example, I got assaulted and made fun of for being trans. The woman who did it -- take a guess -- her guy friends totally admit that I'm hot nowadays, after all these months. Liberation.

You will get there; just be smart, as well as steadfast. And, maybe it's a big sister sense that is prompting me to say this, but some survival work is NOT worth it. Questionable people -- I've dealt with them. Grooby -- he's a money-craving slime ball.

Lastly, the difference between current me and four-months-ago "me" is immense -- to the point that any bad references from back then are null by now. You ARE changing if you're transitioning, so never forget that. I'm always here.

Ally

I tried to watch your video but i am sorry to say i stopped halfwau through as the misic was very annoying

Hi Melanie - if a person is violent, then do not stay. Find somewhere safe away from him.

Ros

Ummmm the whole part about being clocked and his reaction is a symptom of a much bigger problem. Get out now.

As for passing, hard to tell from just a few pics or even videos. Maybe rumors spread, maybe your physical features, maybe your voice. Who knows. As others have said, confidence (but don't be over confident to the point of being cocky).

Quote from: Ritana on January 02, 2016, 01:35:16 AM
I tried to watch your video but i am sorry to say i stopped halfwau through as the misic was very annoying

I don't enjoy frequenting forums of this nature sometimes because of the stigma I receive for being so passable. My signature is irrelevant to the nature of this thread.

10. Bashing or flaming of an individual or group is not acceptable behavior on this website and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason.  This includes but is not limited to:

    Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term. The same restriction applies to advocating the removal of the T from GLBT.
    Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more or less legitimate, deserving, or real than any others
    Posting any messages that engages in personal attacks and/or is actively or passively aggressive no matter the provocation.

- Susan

Have you ever heard of negging?

You are believing this man every time he claims you don't pass. He's trying to drive down your self confidence so that you'll stay with him, and this is a form of abuse. If he really cared about you, do you think he'd constantly tell you that these people have been questioning your gender? Would he make such a big deal of your gender history if he had your wellbeing at the forefront of his mind?

I've obviously never met you in person but from your pics you look great. I'm sure you do pass and you have every reason to feel confident. Don't let this man destroy your self esteem.

Quote from: Squircle on January 02, 2016, 02:55:46 AM
Have you ever heard of negging?

You are believing this man every time he claims you don't pass. He's trying to drive down your self confidence so that you'll stay with him, and this is a form of abuse. If he really cared about you, do you think he'd constantly tell you that these people have been questioning your gender? Would he make such a big deal of your gender history if he had your wellbeing at the forefront of his mind?

I've obviously never met you in person but from your pics you look great. I'm sure you do pass and you have every reason to feel confident. Don't let this man destroy your self esteem.

Looking at it the situation from the outside, it is likely nothing to do with whether you pass (which as everyone has said you pass just fine) but it is about control,  manipulating your feelings to create a position of power.  If he has a history of violence be very careful and as others said seek help. Please take care.

Quote from: Squircle on January 02, 2016, 02:55:46 AM
Have you ever heard of negging?

You are believing this man every time he claims you don't pass. He's trying to drive down your self confidence so that you'll stay with him, and this is a form of abuse. If he really cared about you, do you think he'd constantly tell you that these people have been questioning your gender? Would he make such a big deal of your gender history if he had your wellbeing at the forefront of his mind?

I've obviously never met you in person but from your pics you look great. I'm sure you do pass and you have every reason to feel confident. Don't let this man destroy your self esteem.

Perfectly well-said!

This man is manipulating your vulnerabilities. It isn't even worth questioning if he's being honest in what he tells you, because he's clearly very toxic. These people do exist. I've known and been abused by one personally, and I believed him in very much the same way you did. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave him and make sure your friends know! It's really difficult and he will probably harass you, but it does stop.

I won't say that I know you are or are not passable, and it would be silly of me to suggest that you can just think your way through that kind of pain. I just really don't want you to let some manipulative abuser reinforce such a horrible feeling. If you're going to feel terrible because someone said something, please try to do it over someone who actually cherishes and second guesses for you.

I'm going to be a 64 year old and You don't have to listen , but you need to get away from this person. A lot lot older man using you as a toy. You really have no business being with this person. I'm sorry for your family situation . It's wrong what your mother has done , but that's no excuse for putting yourself in danger. Like I said before get help from a life line or an LGBT center or go online and look for youth counseling centers.

 
Okay folks. Here is the deal no one has to frequent or use the forums if they don't want to, but please be considerate and understanding of those who do and the activities they engage in. Please keep in mind TOS 5, 9, 10 and 15. Thank You
Mariah

Although I don't like to stay in this situation, I don't know what else I could do instead, especially transition wise, I find it easier relying on the help of other people, which I know sounds very awful, but I can't do it by myself. Nobody in my family talks to me, and if I was to go to a homeless place, I would not feel comfortable there, and I don't feel comfortable here neither, but I am not financially stable, I am applying to some colleges, and hopefully if I receive a scholarship with room & tuition free ride, that's my option for now.
I feel very depressed right now, because I feel like I have no way out of this situation with this man, and I also feel depressed about passing.

Melanie,

My worry is though that by staying with this man, your self esteem will be gradually worn down until even those options you mention become impossible for you.

I can't imagine how hard it must be going through this without family, as I've needed mine so much over the last three years. If you have any friends you can stay with I'd urge you to contact them.

Please don't lose sight of your own value. You look fantastic, very few trans women are blessed with your naturally feminine features. In the right environment there's absolutely nothing to stop you becoming a confident, successful and happy young woman. If college is your only opportunity out, don't let anyone talk you out of it. When no one in your life is looking out for you, you have to look out for yourself, and put your own needs first.

all I can do is to plead with you to seek out help from sources in the community . There are always programs set up to help people get on their feet. Do searching on the internet  , the local LGBT community, the city , social workers at hospitals.