A cis friend just sent me the following trans factoid...

QuoteHi Grace, how are you? I was watching "The Wedding Singer" on TV tonight and looking up all the supporting cast on IMDB (as is my habit ) You may have already known this but in case you didn't I thought you might find it interesting - the band member "George" who can only sing "Do you really want to hurt me" is played by Alexis Arquette who is a trans woman AND, according to her bio "an LA underground cartoonist"

(I guess it was a double factoid since not only am I trans but also a cartoonist.)

Leaving aside her poor judgement of watching The Wedding Singer she really is a lovely person...but no I didn't know about Alexis Arquette and I what's more I didn't really care to know. Do I smile politely and say "thanks, wow I didn't know that...small world, huh?" or do I just say "meh, please stop thinking I need to know about every trans person you read about"...?

Some people call them micro aggressions, the assumption that since you are trans you want to know about other trans people. Dunno about them being aggressions, but they definitely are assumptions.

It sounds to me like she was just trying to be nice.  I would just smile and accept it for that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was about to say the same thing.  It really sounds like she is trying to be supportive, in her own way, and she does not realize it simply serves to remind you that people think of you differently for being trans.

~Terri

Oh, she is definitely being nice. I don't mean to imply she has a single drop of ill intent.

There is really only one person who talks about Trans anything with me out of the blue and he's a gay guy and these days he's pretty much stopped. Most people just talk tech stuff and women's stuff or kid stuff. And fashion too.

I think I would just brush it off with,"that's nice" and leave it there.

I understand how it can be frustrating, I have had the same in the past. The amount of people who have asked me if I'm going to see The Danish Girl for a start!

But I always feel a bit uneasy about the whole micro aggressions thing, or more specifically making a big deal out of them. It's often people just trying to be nice or supportive and getting it a little bit wrong. As ever it's all about the intent of the person, and whether they have a history of iffy comments.

You need to have a longer conversation with the person who made this statement to determine the full intent.  You need to let her know how you feel and how this affects you.  You may have a supporter comming up or even a friend in the making.  But I don't beleive we need to be reminded what we are.  It still puts up a divide.

Grab some coffee with her (or other mid-day drink for a polite friend conversation) and talk. 

Hugs

Jen

It's not possible to be sure without knowing this person, but someone who googles the entire supporting cast of movies she watches and uses that information as a vehicle for discussion may not get out much; and may not have a lot of social skills.  She may sorely need interaction.

Perhaps she didn't know about our Trans People Membership Directory that list not just all TG people but also short bios. I keep mine on the shelf right next to The Gay Agenda 

I'm not sure exactly what the issue is. Is this someone with whom you have never discussed being trans? I.e. she clocked you and it feels lousy being clocked, or she's being presumptuous by  even raising the topic, assuming it's something you're comfortable talking about?

Otherwise, it seems like a pretty inoffensive thing to say.

Quote from: JoanneB on January 02, 2016, 09:24:59 AM
Perhaps she didn't know about our Trans People Membership Directory that list not just all TG people but also short bios. I keep mine on the shelf right next to The Gay Agenda 

Lol, good one Joanne!  Now that was funny.

Terri

Did you know the trans person who does that TV show in the UK has a tiny cameo in the Danish girl. I missed it when I saw it so now I have to see the movie again to spot her.

What's the problem? Seriously? I mean I would be annoyed if  it was all people ever talked about but are you ashamed of it? No? Then what is the problem? There is nothing wrong with being a cartoonist. If I met a lesbian origami ninja and mentioned to my other lesbian origami ninja friend, I would expect them to say, oh ha small world, not to take offence. Maybe she expects you to be proud of your cartoonist status?

Yeah, I'm not at the stage yet where someone calling my attention to another trans person is offensive to me.  I take it as their wanting to relate to me in some meaningful way as they adjust to my having transitioned.  Maybe in the future I'll see it differently.

Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on January 02, 2016, 01:13:50 PM
What's the problem? Seriously? I mean I would be annoyed if  it was all people ever talked about but are you ashamed of it? No? Then what is the problem? There is nothing wrong with being a cartoonist. If I met a lesbian origami ninja and mentioned to my other lesbian origami ninja friend, I would expect them to say, oh ha small world, not to take offence. Maybe she expects you to be proud of your cartoonist status?

I'm ashamed of it. I am not afraid to say that. That's why I tell almost no one. You may wonder why I feel this way or why I am not proud of being Trans but I have my reasons and I'm sticking to them. Mainly it is that I want a level playing field, gender wise with women. I know that may not be fully possible but I am doing it as far as possible. It's like my status as a racial minority - I don't want to be viewed as "special" and "privileged" because of it. I am different without a doubt but I don't want that difference dominating my life.

But the even bigger reason is that I simply want to be known as me and not me the Trans woman. Transition is not a big accomplishment for me, it is just something I needed to get done and over with and I want it to be a footnote in my life.

Quote from: iKate on January 02, 2016, 02:53:43 PM
I'm ashamed of it...

I think Kira was just having a joke about me being "ashamed" of being a cartoonist.

Anyway, thanks folk - I think I was just feeling a bit cranky when I got that and really just needed some sleep as it was well past my bed time. I replied...

QuoteHi <name>! Happy New Year! Thanks, I didn't know that but don't really keep up on that sort of stuff. I am aware though that there are quite a few trans cartoonists - personally know one who is a trans guy. Hope things are going great for you and your family.

Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on January 02, 2016, 01:13:50 PM
There is nothing wrong with being a cartoonist...Maybe she expects you to be proud of your cartoonist status?

You're right. It's time for me to accept my identity as a cartoonist.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 02, 2016, 12:51:37 PM
I'm not sure exactly what the issue is. Is this someone with whom you have never discussed being trans? I.e. she clocked you and it feels lousy being clocked, or she's being presumptuous by  even raising the topic, assuming it's something you're comfortable talking about?

Otherwise, it seems like a pretty inoffensive thing to say.

No, she knows and is very supportive - it's not the first trans factoid she's served up and apparently once played "Can you tell which of my friends is trans?" with my photo mixed up with pics of her cis girlfriends. I probably should have mentioned that in my original post.

Quote from: JoanneB on January 02, 2016, 09:24:59 AM
Perhaps she didn't know about our Trans People Membership Directory that list not just all TG people but also short bios. I keep mine on the shelf right next to The Gay Agenda 

Joanne, thanks for that - made me laugh!

Quote from: SophieD on January 02, 2016, 08:59:19 AM
It's not possible to be sure without knowing this person, but someone who googles the entire supporting cast of movies she watches and uses that information as a vehicle for discussion may not get out much; and may not have a lot of social skills.  She may sorely need interaction.

Yes and no - she is a very sociable person, always has been for the 30+ years I've known her. At the moment she is pretty much home bound caring for her infirm mother so she is unable to get out much. 

Quote from: iKate on January 02, 2016, 07:41:41 AM
There is really only one person who talks about Trans anything with me out of the blue and he's a gay guy and these days he's pretty much stopped.

Me too! I'm not out at work but I figure plenty of them have worked it out but are too polite to ask. One guy, who does happen to be gay so I guess might be more up on LGBT stuff, was particularly keen to share with me the news of the defeat of that Houston (?) Anti Discrimination Bill on the grounds of the Trans Bathroom Clause (or whatever it was). I was thinking to myself "and you're specifically telling me this... because??" I just politely said, "yes, they're a bit weird about their bathrooms and trans people in the US..." and left it at that.

Yeah, one of my mom's friends is like that. I know her heart is in the right place. But, sometimes, her mind is elsewhere. I eventually told her that she really needed to chill out on always talking about trans stuff. I got to a point in my life where I didn't really care about that stuff. So, I didn't feel like hearing about every little thing about trans this & trans that.

I've been pleasantly surprised at how little "oh you're trans so you should probably...." Stuff I've had in recent times. I don't know if the arrival of "the Danish girl" at Oz cinemas in a few weeks will change all that however.

Grace, as others have said - her factoid was just one of those strange things that people slip out from time to time. We all do it! 

Grace, I guess I'm in the don't worry about it camp since it was likely shared without any ill intent.

Personally I like to avoid terms like micro aggression because it can end up putting the other person in the position of having to defend themselves on something that they never thought about or intended (and yeah I know the idea is supposed to be that the person must be subconsciously thinking bad things, but is it really fair to assume that?). 

I would say that, if you have a good relationship and it's something that bothers you, share from your heart what you feel with them (recognizing that they cannot anticipate that the feelings evoked in you by what they shared - that's why you have to tell them), giving them an opportunity to understand you at a deeper level and become more sensitive to you.

I suppose it all boils down to is when we are different sometimes others just can't stop thinking about how we're different and get sort of OCD-like in talking about things that accent our differences. I mean, we can talk about such things when the signs are aligned to have a meaningful and mutually beneficial discussion, but we sure don't want to be talking about transness or cisness or whatever all the freaking time!

Love,
Denali

Some people lack some the finer social skills despite meaning well and generally being an OK person. I speak from experience.