Hi all, I am Suzi

I am just starting on what may be a magical journey. But I am not sure what I am doing.

I am in my 40s, divorced, with kids, and a girlfriend. My struggle has been internal, and has been off and on, I want to think, my whole life. Sometimes it has been off totally, and forgotten, for years even. But for some reason, it seems like a lightswitch was flipped while I was on vacation with my girlfriend. I had a very real dream that I was a woman. So real I was shocked when I awoke not as a woman, but merely next to one. When we got back from our trip, and I went back to my house I quite literally spent all night up looking through this forum, and other websites with information, and trying to gain some understanding.

I have read a few times, not sure who posted it, but that if I think that I am trans, then I probably am. Which is a frightening and exciting thing for me. I feel that I have this yearning to be a woman, but not sure why. That makes the prospect that I can answer that yearning, exciting. What is frightening is that I have spent years not as a woman, I have social and business networks, family, friends, and it will toss it all into total upheaval. I have practiced a lot of 'its my life, and I will live it as I want to, but the prospect of the upheaval is frightening, and causes me a bunch of anxiety.

I have set in my calendar to call a gender identity therapist tomorrow morning to set an appointment to talk to someone, but wanted to get some words in here to introduce myself, and to get feedback.

good luck, if I may ask is this something that appeared out of nowhere or is it something that's been in the background for some time. Just curious , everyone comes to this point of awareness from all different angles.

I know that when I was young I did typical boy things, dont recall too much to be honest (hopefully my brain isnt intentionally blocking out some trauma!). I think I remember doing some dress up, and role playing as a girl but its fuzzy. I do remember doing some cross dressing in secret as a teen. Hard to do back then, and with the ladies of the household much shorter than I. Went to college, forgot about it, or buried it, got married, had kids, had it pop back up here and there throughout my marriage, never not in secret. It hasnt really surfaced since my divorce, although just on occasion I would get a thought, or image of what it would be like. But the thoughts never took hold like this week. I never sought out any sort of resources, I never had it fully capture me like this. I said in a different post, I just feel like a woman, I want to be able to feel it all the way though, I have it burning inside me now.

Have you thought about thrashing this out with a therapist just to put it on the table and see where you want to go with this.

Calling a therapist today to set an appointment. I do need to hash through all that is going on in my head. Not sure how in demand she is so hopefully I can get in soon. There are a few others in town and nearby as well that I may try to set up appointments. Luckily I'm on a PPO so I can pick who I want. Thanks for your feedback. It's just the start of a long process that could go many different directions but I would really like to get started so I can get some sleep. My brain has been going overtime. 

may the force be with you

Quote from: ImSuziG on January 07, 2016, 02:01:44 AM
I have read a few times, not sure who posted it, but that if I think that I am trans, then I probably am. Which is a frightening and exciting thing for me. I feel that I have this yearning to be a woman, but not sure why. That makes the prospect that I can answer that yearning, exciting. What is frightening is that I have spent years not as a woman, I have social and business networks, family, friends, and it will toss it all into total upheaval. I have practiced a lot of 'its my life, and I will live it as I want to, but the prospect of the upheaval is frightening, and causes me a bunch of anxiety.

Hi Suzi (Great name!!  ), this is exactly what I felt about three and a half years ago. I took the plunge. I lost my marriage but everything else in my life is so much better, that I shudder at the thought I might not have gone through with it.

Enjoy the ride.

Well I made the appointment so on next Wednesday I will start thrashing through all these issues. I'm glad I came to this site to give me a little courage to take this on.

congrats

I had a similar light bulb moment about 9 months ago. I am still working through my next step.

Best of luck and keep is updated