So I've had an interesting few weeks. For Christmas I visited my parents, my T-bomb went off in August and I'm not out to anyone yet, and I was very worried that staying in boy mode for 2 weeks straight was going to drive me crazy.  However, it didn't. In fact I felt far more relaxed and at ease around them than I can remember. I also had a get together with some of my friends from Grad school, and again I felt great. It dawned on me that this is the first time I've interacted with these important people in my life without hating myself completely. This will sound weird, but I've been friends with these people for about a decade, and this was the first time I ever really felt deep down that they actually cared about me and were genuinely happy to see me. This past weekend I was a groomsman at a college friend of mine's wedding, and this was the first wedding I've gone t where I didn't have an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. As part of this whole phenomenon my need to transition as quickly as possible has receded.

If I say to myself "I'll never transition" I get very uncomfortable, but transitioning right away also makes me uncomfortable, which has lead me to conclude that I'm just not ready. I feel like I need to try experiencing life without the shame and self loathing as I am before I make drastic changes. I've never really had a good healthy relationship with a woman, I think a lot of this stems from 1) having a huge secret and 2) hoping that she would "fix" me; that's just too much pressure for an early relationship. Obviously I would disclose my transeness to her if things got serious, and I'm under no illusions that that won't be a deal breaker for many. I have a sneaking suspicion that a few rejections of that type might push me over the edge and make me ready to transition, but I owe it to myself to at least give it a shot. I really should give the women of the world the benefit of the doubt, seeing as I hope to one day be one of them.

I've discussed this with my therapist and she thinks it's a good plan, hopefully this can be helpful to anyone else reading this. Also, has anyone done this sort of thing? I could see myself lasting 6 months, and I could see myself lasting 10 years, has anyone tried this sort of thing? I figure as long as I do my best to live without regrets I won't feel like I've wasted this time (I'm 33 and not getting any younger). I guess that since people like us don't get to have normal lives we might as well embrace it.

Hi. What you described sounds similar to what I am currently doing. After 15 years of trying to slay the trans beast once and for all, I found myself back  at square one and back in therapy (this time with a gender therapist). Through those 15 years I tried my best to pretend my issues were minor and under control. But over time they intensified to a point where I could no longer ignore them. I wAs afraid to take any steps (even a tiny one) towards transition because I was afraid it would lead to full transition and that could cause the loss of my marriage and children. My therapist said taking action regarding these issues doesn't mean I have to fully transition, I can just find a "good enough " point that provides relief. So I took some steps (wearing panties and tucking, shave body hair, practice voice, practice makeup and read about how to dress to most flatter my body). I can do all of these things without starting hrt (which I would like to someday but I'm afraid of family impact). But these things occupy my mind and give me a feeling that I'm doing something, essentially, my strategy is to stretch out the typical transition timeline (2 yrs or so) to 2 or 3 times that amount. My hope is that this allows time for both myself and family to acclimate to the new me. I'm not someone who can just jump into things, I like to ease my way into things so this plan feels comfortable to me. I can't stress enough how much relief I've experienced just from the small steps I've taken so far.


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Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on January 08, 2016, 11:39:15 AM
So I've had an interesting few weeks. For Christmas I visited my parents, my T-bomb went off in August and I'm not out to anyone yet, and I was very worried that staying in boy mode for 2 weeks straight was going to drive me crazy.  However, it didn't. In fact I felt far more relaxed and at ease around them than I can remember. I also had a get together with some of my friends from Grad school, and again I felt great. It dawned on me that this is the first time I've interacted with these important people in my life without hating myself completely. This will sound weird, but I've been friends with these people for about a decade, and this was the first time I ever really felt deep down that they actually cared about me and were genuinely happy to see me. This past weekend I was a groomsman at a college friend of mine's wedding, and this was the first wedding I've gone t where I didn't have an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. As part of this whole phenomenon my need to transition as quickly as possible has receded.

If I say to myself "I'll never transition" I get very uncomfortable, but transitioning right away also makes me uncomfortable, which has lead me to conclude that I'm just not ready. I feel like I need to try experiencing life without the shame and self loathing as I am before I make drastic changes. I've never really had a good healthy relationship with a woman, I think a lot of this stems from 1) having a huge secret and 2) hoping that she would "fix" me; that's just too much pressure for an early relationship. Obviously I would disclose my transeness to her if things got serious, and I'm under no illusions that that won't be a deal breaker for many. I have a sneaking suspicion that a few rejections of that type might push me over the edge and make me ready to transition, but I owe it to myself to at least give it a shot. I really should give the women of the world the benefit of the doubt, seeing as I hope to one day be one of them.

I've discussed this with my therapist and she thinks it's a good plan, hopefully this can be helpful to anyone else reading this. Also, has anyone done this sort of thing? I could see myself lasting 6 months, and I could see myself lasting 10 years, has anyone tried this sort of thing? I figure as long as I do my best to live without regrets I won't feel like I've wasted this time (I'm 33 and not getting any younger). I guess that since people like us don't get to have normal lives we might as well embrace it.

I 've been on hormones for almost 10 years, and I understand what you mean. I feel like i kind of rush into it, i was very socially anxious and i still havent had my srs.

I want to transition on my own term, without the constant fear and self loathing created by society that i can't be something in between. I believe its very important to love yourself  regardless of what bodies we have, but for me, i cant imagine going off on hormones now but sometimes I do want to, just to see if i really hate it as much as i just felt that i couldnt be a "male" in this society due to the gender binary stystem we are living in.

Theres reality, and theres the perfect world where we can be ourselves and take all the time we want, but i feel like theres regret no matter which path i choose.

To me "Transitioning" is To Change. The most important aspect of tackling the trans-beast is changing how you think of yourself and how you view your world. This starts with coming out to yourself. Acknowledging that you are trans and are not going to let it continue making you hate yourself for being that.