you're only 19, you're still very young to start hormone therapy and turn out to be who you want to be, don't be too harsh on yourself. i'm 27 and i'm literally just get to a place half way across the globe to educate myself a year ago. because the country i was born into has no such thing about any of these. being gay is already a big sin over there, let alone anything else.

i'm a perfectionist too, for the good 26 years of my life. just like you, i feel like i want to kill myself at some point because i'd never be able to have a junk like a cis man has. i look at men's crotches for like 70% of the time. i don't know why but my eyes just wander. it's because of jealousy. the feeling is very self destructive but it's understandable because we are who we are. when we don't have what we want, we get jealous, we want it. the more we want it, the more jealous we get aka more miserable.
i'd rather use that kind of jealousy to get myself on a better road, get to see a counselor, start T, build up my muscles and do stuff, rather than destroy myself inside out.

it somehow reminds me of my best male friend. he used to be so jealous of me because i got to hook up with lots of girls because of my easy going profession. he got in the industry whereas he meets girls just as many as me, but he doesn't get any gal. so owning a dick isn't going to get you laid or do whatever. i do understand what you're going through, though :[ because as far as i'm concern, i already got contacts of doctors who do bottom surgeries. that's where i'm heading. i really don't have any trans friend either because i'm living abroad and in a small/dessert city. if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.

also the feeling of loneliness is a part of being who we are. we have to get pass it. you have to get pass it.
i feel it all the time, it struck me horribly. after work, i have to go out, meet clients, then go out with my friends. it's a cycle like that everyday. and in the crowd of best/close friends, i feel "left out" and just lonely. i couldn't explain any of this feeling because it's odd. why would you feel lonely when you're out with your close friends? then i realize i feel that way because i'm not living as who i am. i feel like i wear everybody's "favorite costume", just want to take it off and be me you know.

talking about being short, i'm 5'1. and i do all the things, and even the things cis guys don't even dare to do. i don't think being short makes you any less of a man :]
although i think i have a big plus since i've only dated girls exclusively, i really know how to get them going.
if your bottom dysphoria is nowhere close to medium/small size, you should get a packer that is designed to be played with. it'll be expensive but it's worth it, like all in one, pee, pack, play thing. an always hard penis. lol. see, dream comes true :p

i'm currently passed my counseling stage. some other people don't have "problems" like i do, so they only go to counselors for a short amount of time before they get a doctor referral to get started on T. i was with my counselor for almost 5 months. i'd say it's worth every minute of it. i don't mind the timeline as much as i really want to start T. i want to be prepare body and mind for it. i'm so happy that i get a referral letter now. hopefully i'll make an appointment with the doctor this coming week and see what's next. keep us posted :]

Quote from: elapse on January 11, 2016, 12:24:11 AM
thank you for answering and yes, i feel you in this. I don't feel offended, so don't worry. And i'm not sure about the trigger warnings that is why i just wrote "trigger warning", if someone would feel triggered in any way.
I understand! Tbvh, well. i would love to be able to be in a dress and feel good but with a cis body... not like this. I actually trashed everything that could make me look as a woman completely since it will just cause problem and probably get me misgendered a whole more. And that sucks since i find men who have dresses also pretty. I like the thought of breaking the "binary box" and i would love to also be able to break it but atm, no. Actually been thinking about "cosplay." since there's no such thing as gender there, be whoever you want, dress whoever you want, kind of feel.

As for your partner, i really don't think you should break up with him due jealously since jealously tend to destroy a lot of things and it would be sad if it destroyed what you guys have just because of this, so be strong. Maybe try to talk with him about how you feel if you already haven't. I bet you two could figure something out. I'm into men as well and I have had a lot of thoughts about dating a cis guy. I'm a bit scared since i tend to be jealous a lot and I'm not sure how i would feel doing that but i believe it would work out. It's either that or another trans man, I'm not into women unfortunately so I know i'll have to deal with this later on as well, if I want a partner and of course I want to find someone too later on.


Yeah, the clothes issue and especially the shoes and jeans. I'm 5'3 - 5'4 ish. Not that tall either and women tend to be around that height here too, so i'm always the small one among women too. I think there's online pages of clothing for ftm. I haven't used them because I tend to fit into the smallest of men's clothing but it is definitely a struggle to find something. Try to google after ftm stores. I'm sorry about the height. I always tell myself a lot of cis guys tend to be shorter than me too, i just haven't found them yet. sometimes I use to google after cis guy height issues to feel less bad about the height given to me. I use to shop in women's shoes. My feet can fit kid's too.... so yeah. Try to look for gender neutral, I'm surprised I manage to find something nice eve if it's like once a year. Also use insoles if you can it's not expensive at all if you buy it from ebay. I do that. It wont make you a giant but at least 2-5cm taller (even taller if you can find a pair of shoes to fit it all. hehe.) I bet you just need to look somewhere else, guys comes in all shapes and i hope you will find something that fits you. (I'm very bad giving advise, I'm sorry.)

And thank you, I feel better and don't worry, if there's something just hit me up.

Yeah, I understand how you feel about that one. I personally have a thing for crossdressing kind of things myself. Cosplay is fun, when you're not actually trying to sew costumes (and failing horribly), realizing you have no money for it, or are bleeding all over it (had an accident during the summer where I suddenly got a nosebleed and one of my outfits got dyed red). I've noticed that with cosplay, there is indeed much more leniency with such things. One of the downsides (at least where I live) is that a lot of people in the community sometimes contribute to "trends" of being gay, bi, or lately apparently also trans. It brings down the reputation for people who actually are part of the LGBT community within cosplay community. It's kind of sad to see.

Actually, funny thing about that second paragraph. I wouldn't consider myself to be gay, bi, or anything of the like. I have absolutely no interest in men, other than the person I'm dating at the moment. I'm not even sure of how or why I started liking him, it just sort of happened. Never has before, nor do I think it ever will again. I guess he's an exception of sorts.

It would probably work out just fine for you, as long as he understood you. While jealousy certainly is a thing, I don't think it would interfere much unless things were bad between you already, or if dysphoria was really bad.

For jeans, have you tried the kids section? I'm not sure about other people, but for me, the jeans from there fit pretty well. Shoes... Well, don't even get me started on shoes from the women's section. I don't know what it is with whoever makes these shoes, but the last time I looked, they all had nasty shapes, or combinations of three, four or even more bright neon colors, all clashing. No idea about you, but I certainly wouldn't wear stuff like that.

Insoles, haven't really thought of those. That might be an idea, thanks. And speaking of clothing specifically for ftms, honestly, I'm really picky when it comes to clothes, so I never find anything I like. There's recently been a few items at H&M that I liked, but the smallest sizes were always way too big on me and it looked like I was a ten year old kid wearing his dad's clothes (except not dad-style). You mentioned rarely finding anything you like, are you picky too?

Nah, you're not bad at giving advice, don't worry about that. It's good you feel better.

Quote from: whereto on January 11, 2016, 01:37:59 AM
you're only 19, you're still very young to start hormone therapy and turn out to be who you want to be, don't be too harsh on yourself. i'm 27 and i'm literally just get to a place half way across the globe to educate myself a year ago. because the country i was born into has no such thing about any of these. being gay is already a big sin over there, let alone anything else.

i'm a perfectionist too, for the good 26 years of my life. just like you, i feel like i want to kill myself at some point because i'd never be able to have a junk like a cis man has. i look at men's crotches for like 70% of the time. i don't know why but my eyes just wander. it's because of jealousy. the feeling is very self destructive but it's understandable because we are who we are. when we don't have what we want, we get jealous, we want it. the more we want it, the more jealous we get aka more miserable.
i'd rather use that kind of jealousy to get myself on a better road, get to see a counselor, start T, build up my muscles and do stuff, rather than destroy myself inside out.

it somehow reminds me of my best male friend. he used to be so jealous of me because i got to hook up with lots of girls because of my easy going profession. he got in the industry whereas he meets girls just as many as me, but he doesn't get any gal. so owning a dick isn't going to get you laid or do whatever. i do understand what you're going through, though :[ because as far as i'm concern, i already got contacts of doctors who do bottom surgeries. that's where i'm heading. i really don't have any trans friend either because i'm living abroad and in a small/dessert city. if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.

also the feeling of loneliness is a part of being who we are. we have to get pass it. you have to get pass it.
i feel it all the time, it struck me horribly. after work, i have to go out, meet clients, then go out with my friends. it's a cycle like that everyday. and in the crowd of best/close friends, i feel "left out" and just lonely. i couldn't explain any of this feeling because it's odd. why would you feel lonely when you're out with your close friends? then i realize i feel that way because i'm not living as who i am. i feel like i wear everybody's "favorite costume", just want to take it off and be me you know.

talking about being short, i'm 5'1. and i do all the things, and even the things cis guys don't even dare to do. i don't think being short makes you any less of a man :]
although i think i have a big plus since i've only dated girls exclusively, i really know how to get them going.
if your bottom dysphoria is nowhere close to medium/small size, you should get a packer that is designed to be played with. it'll be expensive but it's worth it, like all in one, pee, pack, play thing. an always hard penis. lol. see, dream comes true :p

i'm currently passed my counseling stage. some other people don't have "problems" like i do, so they only go to counselors for a short amount of time before they get a doctor referral to get started on T. i was with my counselor for almost 5 months. i'd say it's worth every minute of it. i don't mind the timeline as much as i really want to start T. i want to be prepare body and mind for it. i'm so happy that i get a referral letter now. hopefully i'll make an appointment with the doctor this coming week and see what's next. keep us posted :]

Thank you for answering and i'm sad to hear that. it can be a huge problem when it comes to the closed minded people and culture but i'm happy you have been able to move forward.

Yes, you're right and I understand what you're saying and i agree. And my eyes tend to wander too without a second thought at times. I guess everyone is jealous of something and it sucks if it takes over you. I think I will start T soon, if i'm lucky and i hope it will help me with the jealously and stuff. The junk issue really helps me when it comes to everyone else out there who is like me, trans and it makes me feel less lonely and somewhat good. Because there's such wonderful people who's trans and I do feel happy knowing that.

I see, i hope everything will turn out well for you. The same applies to you too. Just hit me up if you need someone to talk with. And I understand that a dick won't get me anywhere with other partners (laid). I don't flirt with my genitalia but it's just an issue because of my own hatred towards my body.

Yeah, of course you can feel lonely even with many friends. That is not odd at all. To not be able to share your pain or have someone who can relate to you etc.  I hope the feeling of being lonely will pass. I don't have it as my biggest issue but I get it at times. I will let it pass.

haha what a gentleman, that's great to hear. And it's nice to hear that about height, even if i know it but my ears likes to hear it.

That thing about "an always hard penis" sounds like a reward lol, i will search the web later! thanks.

Keep me updated! that sounds great. I'm happy it's going forward. It's been two years now of waiting and meetings, my body and mind is ready for the second puberty hahaha, i remember the first puberty. Better get it right this time. 

Quote from: Kanzaki on January 11, 2016, 02:16:09 PM
Yeah, I understand how you feel about that one. I personally have a thing for crossdressing kind of things myself. Cosplay is fun, when you're not actually trying to sew costumes (and failing horribly), realizing you have no money for it, or are bleeding all over it (had an accident during the summer where I suddenly got a nosebleed and one of my outfits got dyed red). I've noticed that with cosplay, there is indeed much more leniency with such things. One of the downsides (at least where I live) is that a lot of people in the community sometimes contribute to "trends" of being gay, bi, or lately apparently also trans. It brings down the reputation for people who actually are part of the LGBT community within cosplay community. It's kind of sad to see.

Actually, funny thing about that second paragraph. I wouldn't consider myself to be gay, bi, or anything of the like. I have absolutely no interest in men, other than the person I'm dating at the moment. I'm not even sure of how or why I started liking him, it just sort of happened. Never has before, nor do I think it ever will again. I guess he's an exception of sorts.

It would probably work out just fine for you, as long as he understood you. While jealousy certainly is a thing, I don't think it would interfere much unless things were bad between you already, or if dysphoria was really bad.

For jeans, have you tried the kids section? I'm not sure about other people, but for me, the jeans from there fit pretty well. Shoes... Well, don't even get me started on shoes from the women's section. I don't know what it is with whoever makes these shoes, but the last time I looked, they all had nasty shapes, or combinations of three, four or even more bright neon colors, all clashing. No idea about you, but I certainly wouldn't wear stuff like that.

Insoles, haven't really thought of those. That might be an idea, thanks. And speaking of clothing specifically for ftms, honestly, I'm really picky when it comes to clothes, so I never find anything I like. There's recently been a few items at H&M that I liked, but the smallest sizes were always way too big on me and it looked like I was a ten year old kid wearing his dad's clothes (except not dad-style). You mentioned rarely finding anything you like, are you picky too?

Nah, you're not bad at giving advice, don't worry about that. It's good you feel better.

Me too, and another thing. don't you feel somewhat manlier if he is cross-dressing and stands beside you? Yes, it is expensive and all those failed costumes. I didn't manage to get into one nicely lol but it's okay though. You seem to have been through a lot of experiences and I had no idea of the "trend" that is sad to hear. I hope it will stop soon, how annoying.

I don't know, I'm struggling with labels and the only thing I know is that I like men, but I did fall in love with a girl once. (we dated longer than I've ever dated someone). Some people just change your life, no matter gender and that's cool too. Love is such a weird emotion.

I don't shop at the kids ever, I find my jeans on the men's if I'm lucky and I use to pull up a few inches at the bottom of the pants since "short". But that's it. It luckily works for me. Yes, I have seen those shoes, it's like a rainbow threw up on them but of course I never buy those. I have found a lot of nice shoes at the women's actually. And I'm very picky with shoes.

Really, maybe asian wear will fit you better. They tend to have smaller sizes. My size for shirts is usually small since I like when it's a bit loose on me but I need at least medium even large at the asian sizes. Maybe you can try that out. I'm picky but I'm very casual. I use to just pick "buy 3 get 1 for free" kind of shirts. But t-shirts always fit me so that's not my struggle. I guess I'm lucky.

Okay, Thanks.

Quote from: elapse on January 11, 2016, 05:29:19 PM
Me too, and another thing. don't you feel somewhat manlier if he is cross-dressing and stands beside you? Yes, it is expensive and all those failed costumes. I didn't manage to get into one nicely lol but it's okay though. You seem to have been through a lot of experiences and I had no idea of the "trend" that is sad to hear. I hope it will stop soon, how annoying.

I don't know, I'm struggling with labels and the only thing I know is that I like men, but I did fall in love with a girl once. (we dated longer than I've ever dated someone). Some people just change your life, no matter gender and that's cool too. Love is such a weird emotion.

I don't shop at the kids ever, I find my jeans on the men's if I'm lucky and I use to pull up a few inches at the bottom of the pants since "short". But that's it. It luckily works for me. Yes, I have seen those shoes, it's like a rainbow threw up on them but of course I never buy those. I have found a lot of nice shoes at the women's actually. And I'm very picky with shoes.

Really, maybe asian wear will fit you better. They tend to have smaller sizes. My size for shirts is usually small since I like when it's a bit loose on me but I need at least medium even large at the asian sizes. Maybe you can try that out. I'm picky but I'm very casual. I use to just pick "buy 3 get 1 for free" kind of shirts. But t-shirts always fit me so that's not my struggle. I guess I'm lucky.

Okay, Thanks.

Yeah, you could say that. It's not that crazy of a difference though. The major difference happens when I'm around girls.

Well, looking perfect in your cosplay isn't really what it's about. My cosplay doesn't look anywhere near perfect either (had absolutely no idea what I was doing when I sewed it, even worse was going and picking the fabric) and I pretty much noped out on any kind of makeup the one time I did wear it (no other opportunities so far). It was really hot outside and I'm generally a lazy person, so as long as it looked okay without it, I decided not to use it. I guess you could say I'm knowledgeable about the (local) cosplay community, but I certainly don't have experience. All of what I know comes from observing.

Yeah, the "trend" is pretty sad. It's been around for a long time (the "bi is cool" part, then later being gay became cool, and now I hear it's trans), and I don't think it'll be going away for a long time. A lot of the people who are into these "trends" are girls around the age of 12-15.

You could say my exception with him is like what you described, yeah. The people who know keep telling me I'm actually lying about being into girls and am actually into guys, but oh well, I guess it probably seems like it to them if I suddenly date a guy after saying I only like girls. Labels aren't really all that important if you ask me though. Sure, humans really love labeling things, but is it really important for life to know exactly what label to use? Not really. In my opinion, if you sort of understand how you work, even if you have no name for it, who cares? A random person whom you're not going to date surely shouldn't. Not to mention that even if you date a girl once or twice and enjoy it, if you still feel you are exclusively into men, you're probably exclusively into men, and the girls you dated were exceptions.

Yep, I'm picky with shoes too. But I'm picky with pretty much everything, to be honest. I considered asian stuff too, but there are literally zero stores like that nearby, and buying on the internet would be too expensive, or I'd end up not being to find a store that ships to here, or one that has the right size. I've noticed a lot of those stores are geared at locals, not shipping outside of asia, and then the ones that are geared at foreigners usually only have large and extra large sizes. I used to be the "buy 3 get one free" kind of person, but I sort of had a change of mind in that and am now even more picky than with anything else when it comes to clothes. So, yeah, pretty hard time finding anything. But that's my own fault.

Quote from: elapse on January 07, 2016, 04:35:46 PM
in the beginning when i realized i was trans, i had a lot of chest dysphoria but it seems like everything have moved down to the bottom now. i can't stand it. i'm very jealous of cis guys but even more jealous of cis children (boys). i know i shouldn't waste my time being jealous but the knowledge that a baby's penis will and are forever bigger than mine until i might have surgery but it still gets me every time but i try to think "not every guy have a penis, theres intersex, and there's micro penises and there's trans people that may be stealth." but i'm still so jealous. lately i have been crying a lot. at least once a week up to thrice a week when no one hears because of the dysphoria. i so badly want a penis. i want to be able to be hard and be able to ejacuate but no, i will never know and it makes me sad and depressed. i also know all the "embarrassing boner stories" cis guys tells and what do i have "embarrassing bleeding through my underwear stories?" it sucks.

i'm a perfectionist so i put the goal very high, and i'm super hard on myself even if i shouldn't but it's hard to not. i'm very happy i have learned so much, i have experienced so much due being trans but i wish i could be reborn as a cis guy  or knowing earlier to stop the female puberty.

When I first started learning about transgender and what it meant to be transgender, part of me was pretty upset. I have never been a sexual person because my sexual dysphoria is horrible to say the least. At some point I was kind of jealous of those who could perform relatively normally, but that was fine until I started meeting other trans people and even helping some of my other friends realize they were trans. By doing this, they are going through the stages of HRT and working on surgery and I'm still yet to begin HRT because of my living situation. Sometimes I feel a lot of anger an envy because of that, not that I would wish harm on anyone but because as living people we are all given a very different deck of cards and in that way I feel like I relate to you on wanting a normal sized penis like a cis guy or the certain and specific stages of life that direct to manhood. Only way I really cope with it is by reminding myself that my sexuality and gender is not a race and that I have to do the best I have with what I got and that there is no shame in that.

Quote from: elapse on January 07, 2016, 04:35:46 PM
i'm new here and i basically just joined to read, and feel less lonely and learn.
i'm 19, pre-everything and ftm. if you're wondering.

it may have some trigger warnings.

something recently have been bothering me and i know how to kinda deal with it (no) but i guess i'm seeking understanding and people who can relate to me because i sometimes feel very lonely. i have no friends whatsoever in my life that's trans who can sort of just be able to relate, rant or in general just know that we're not alone and be there for each other. i have one cis girl who is the most amazing person ever, i love her so much and she have helped me through so much and i'm not kidding but i own her so much but sometimes i do feel lonely.

in the beginning when i realized i was trans, i had a lot of chest dysphoria but it seems like everything have moved down to the bottom now. i can't stand it. i'm very jealous of cis guys but even more jealous of cis children (boys). i know i shouldn't waste my time being jealous but the knowledge that a baby's penis will and are forever bigger than mine until i might have surgery but it still gets me every time but i try to think "not every guy have a penis, theres intersex, and there's micro penises and there's trans people that may be stealth." but i'm still so jealous. lately i have been crying a lot. at least once a week up to thrice a week when no one hears because of the dysphoria. i so badly want a penis. i want to be able to be hard and be able to ejacuate but no, i will never know and it makes me sad and depressed. i also know all the "embarrassing boner stories" cis guys tells and what do i have "embarrassing bleeding through my underwear stories?" it sucks.

i'm a perfectionist so i put the goal very high, and i'm super hard on myself even if i shouldn't but it's hard to not. i'm very happy i have learned so much, i have experienced so much due being trans but i wish i could be reborn as a cis guy  or knowing earlier to stop the female puberty.

another thing, sometimes it feels like i'm stuck in time. i see all those guys i used to be with in school and they're all grown up. masculine and deep voice. they're very tall where i live and my heigh is extremely short so it feels like i'm just a little boy that got stuck in time.

i have ranted enough, on the positive aspect. i do pass about 80% if i keep my mouth shut.

Mod edit: No swears thanks

A penis is not all that great. The only real use for it is penetrative sex with a woman. Other than for that it is totally unnecessary, inconvenient, useless and unattractive. What you have is much nicer.

Quote from: mac1 on January 18, 2016, 07:47:08 PM
A penis is not all that great. The only real use for it is penetrative sex with a woman. Other than for that it is totally unnecessary, inconvenient, useless and unattractive. What you have is much nicer.

Not sure you quite get the concept of ftm trans?

what i forgot to say though ;p you'll end up in front of people boobies all the time. lol. and my cheeky friends are like do the motorboat, do the motorboat. lol. being short is not the end of the world after all

better get the bloody right puberty this time. lol. i just had my first shot today. oh my poor butt cheek. it hurt for the last 2 hours. i don't know why but it does. i don't mean the needle but it feels like the whole context is working and spreading from my muscle. i feel like i'm a bit high on drugs if it makes sense. lol. but it feels overly excited like you need this and you got your wish!

keep us posted. i'm still looking for the "always hard" penis. lol. the prosthetic one that looks as real as it can be, and not rip my wallet off of course. lol.