Susan's is one of the many resources I've used over the years that have provided support and knowledge in some of my darkest hours. It is the most comprehensive forum that I have found where honest, wise, and caring individuals reside. My name is Jimmie, I'm 44, and over the last 4-5 years I've perused the countless messages on this forum. They have helped me realize that I wasn't alone...going crazy progressively worse each day like a bad pop song playing repetitively over and over, more often, and more intensely. That is why I'd like to use this forum to dialogue with you all as my journey progresses, maybe it is my turn to give back based on where I am right now. As I write this, I'm pretty certain I know what my future is destined to be, but I'm scared as hell to face it for so many reasons. Wife (of 20+ years) family, kids, business and drinking buddy's. I don't know how transgender people before the internet could have ever been more scared, and lost, and desperate. So to those of you that are pioneers-my respect and admiration goes out to you!
I know this family, Susan's, is ready for me, but I'm not sure I am ready for this family. In other words, I'm not ready to fully accept that I am a male to female transgender person. I'm not going to go into the details of my "story" because hundreds of you have already told my story; and it is astonishing to me to look at a "transgender" support site like this; To see about 1 person every few hours introduce themselves. Many of you are telling my story with a few variances here and there. When you have people that have never met, or been brought up the same way, yet have had precisely the same thoughts and situations happen over the years, I find that fascinating, compelling, and comforting. This to me is confirmation. Making a decision to use feminizing hormones is onfirmation. Feeling right...once on estrogen is confirmation. feeling so very much compelled and obligated to painfully and awkwardly admit to your wife that these feelings have been there over the years, but you
were too scared to talk about them is confirmation. Which is what I did, Christmas Eve 2015.
The way my dysphoria came out was in a drunken conversation with my wife that gave me no choice but to honestly communicate my feelings when confronted the next evening. Although I wasn't expecting this to come out the way it did, I was ready to explain everything. And relieved beyond belief to know that she now knew my struggles. The pent up lies and deceit were eating me. And even though we shed tears, and talked until the sun came up, her reaction was unexpected. Pleasantly unexpected. At her recommendation, she supported me in medicating with (for the second time) female hormone therapy, which I've recently started again.
We've had a couple weeks to let this soak in, and tonight she is telling her best friend about my disphoria. I'm so nervous and scared. When two people know, then 4 people know, then 8, and 16, eventually it makes it's way to those you never fathomed, like family, kids, business and drinking buddy's. And that is why I need a family that understands. Hello to you, my friends. Looking forward...
