How does being transitioned feel?


My goal is to begin transitioning by my 27th birthday, but in the interim, even though I have incessantly wanted to be female since I was 5 years old, I often question if it is the correct path for me. The reason is, I feel there are more things I would like to experience than my life will allow, and I could always find something more fulfilling than altering my body.

Some advice I've read on this issue, is to try small steps, such as cross-dressing, or blockers. While both suggestions are excellent, let me give my responses in advance, so you can more fully understand my mindset. As to cross-dressing, while I appear feminine in order to reduce my gender dysphoria, I do not wear women's clothing, because it just reminds of what I am missing (It is embarrassing to admit to my vanity, but it is the truth). As to blockers, I believe if I took steps in that direction I would want greater results, so starting blockers would be the equivalent of me committing to transitioning.

The reason I am asking how being transitioned feels, is so I can better deliberate my decision. I know the experience of being transitioned is subjective, so only I can decide if it is correct path for me to take, but it would greatly help me if you could juxtapose your pre and post transition experience, so I can more accurately predict how being transitioned would feel.

I think this is a great question to ask , especially in your case because it sounds like you want to be as prepared for this as you possibly can. And I totally relate in that regard since I have not physically transitioned either. I can't speak from a MtF's perspective, but I think the only way you will authentically know what it feels like to complete this the way you see fit is to go through this process yourself with all the help and support you need to help you along the way. After all, as you yourself said, Autumn, our transitions are very subjective and therefore, differentiate from one another. Though getting some feedback of positive experiences from others here can aid in shedding light on what seems bleak and hard to see at first. For that, I think its only natural for you to wonder. I do all the time. What will the fully, physically female-to-male transitioned Phoenix Spark Cayman look like?

Do I think this question was a bad idea? Absolutely not. But what better way to find out how being transitioned will make you feel physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually until you begin?

I wish I could be of more help here. But when it boils down to it, I'm in the same boat as you, really. So, its not my place here to offer you any sound advice or some kind of guaranteed expectation uniquely tailored to your situation. All you can really do is go forward in faith, my friend.

I had surgery in 1982 and the best way to describe it is not feeling. No longer feeling the transgender discomfort, no longer feeling the depression and going months without thinking about it. if you want a single word to describe it, I think content would be the word. I am happy often because I don't have the depression weighing me down so the small joys in life just make you feel good about life.

Quote from: autumn08 on January 13, 2016, 09:11:04 PM
How does being transitioned feel?

It feels smooth.  Really smooth.

I'm at 4-1/2 years HRT, 4 years full-time female presentation, 2-1/2 years since GCS.  Most people in my life are unaware of my history and I like it that way.  I've been passing 100% for 4 years now.

For a number of years before deciding on transition, I probably would have been defined as gay.  I had a femme presentation, often dressed in female clothing and wore makeup, and dated men.  But inwardly, I had wanted for many years to be and to be accepted as a woman.

I agree with Dena's remarks.  The great thing about being at the tail end of the process is a certain sense of ease.  Something that was a big struggle that dominated a lot of my life is now ordinary.  There's very little conflict.  I wake up a woman and go through my day with no worry about passing or being challenged.  Nobody doubts my gender.

In some ways, my outlook has changed a lot.  I'm much more self-confident.  Before actively seeking transition, I was (pathetically?) overeager to please the men I dated, and some of them really took advantage of me sexually and emotionally.  I still like being with guys, but it's different now.  I can take them or leave them.  Turns out I'm a really independent person, and I like it that way.

While I still enjoy the company of men sexually and romantically, I've always also been attracted to women.  My biggest high school crush was a lesbian two years older than me.  She lives in another state now, is married to her female lover, and is a mom to two kids.  We are still friends, though not in close contact.  (Her wife is fabulous!)  I think I'm bisexual, and that this is a side of me that will develop further in the future.  I look forward to it!

Another change is the reduced amount of effort I put into gender presentation.  Before the active phase of my transition, I put lots of energy into the minutiae of gender presentation: makeup, dress, grooming, etc.  Although I was clearly male, I wanted to make the best, most attractive, most glamorous impact I could.

At this point, much later in the process, I don't do that any more.  I rarely wear makeup.  I dress pretty much like an ordinary woman in her 30s would dress, and I'm not out to make a splash or be recognized as a fashion showplate.  I no longer have that crushing drive towards perfect feminine presentation that I once had.  I don't need it.

I was very fortunate in my genetic inheritance.  I have a slender build and my features weren't strongly masculinized.  In high school I was a tenor in the school choir, so my voice falls pretty naturally within the normal range of distribution for females.  My challenges with respect to speaking weren't in pitch or resonance so much as in habits of expression, thought, and vocabulary, and the transition to female modes came easily to me.

My boobs are small (A cups), but that's okay.  They have a nice shape and feel great, and bigger boobs would probably look out of place on me due to my slender build.  My features are a little sharp, but still within the range of normal for a woman.  I'm built pretty much straight up and down, and it would be nice to have a more hour-glassy shape.  But I'm healthy/athletic.  I'm happy with the physical outcome, and won't be making changes.  "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

How does it feel?  It feels terrific!

Pre-transition, my emotions and life experience, I would describe as the following: I constantly felt like there was some sort of thin fog hanging over my life.

Basically, your default state as a person is something that you aren't supposed to notice, right? You're simply supposed to be you, doing the things you like to do, feeling the emotions you're supposed to feel that come with the various ups and downs of life, working, seeking after pleasurable things like friendship, love, following your artistic passions and needs for self-expression, right?

Pre-transition, it felt like there was a fog hanging over all of this.

I experienced joy, absolutely. My favorite joyful things pre-transition were being able to walk alone through a beautiful natural setting, the feelings of love and trust and closeness that I had with my romantic interest at the time. And yet something always felt... off. I was constantly bothered by this feeling that I couldn't fully express myself, and that my hormones and my body were constantly in conflict with how I saw myself.

Like, the way that I saw myself was as someone who was cute and nice and non-threatening. And yet people treated me like an adult male. Which means that they gave me this sort of respectful treatment, one where they hold me off at a distance with respect rather than looking down on me and smiling, and they didn't understand that I wanted to be close to people, and that I liked cute things and sweet things and being adorable and beautiful things. Every single social interaction with people had this broken-reality feeling to it, where it felt like people were always fundamentally treating me like someone that I wasn't, like they couldn't see the real me, the person that I saw myself as, because my body and gender didn't match the feminine self that I felt like.

Body dysphoria was constantly intruding into my life. I hated my body hair, I hated that I had this big blocky frame, I hated that I couldn't look beautiful and couldn't look feminine and couldn't be in a body that was smooth and soft and shapely and feminine. I hated having facial hair and a deep voice. I would basically constantly be looking at my own body, feeling those feelings of "wrongness" with it, and then looking over at women's bodies and realizing that that was what my brain was expecting to be there. I wanted smooth skin like them, I wanted a feminine body shape like them. And this also manifested itself in interfering with my romantic life. I was in a relationship with a girl pre-transition. And when we were intimate together, she was in complete and total bliss, enjoying every single second of it. And at the same time, I would constantly be dealing with this feeling of "what the heck is this erection down there? That feels so wrong," and wishing that I could have a vulva instead, that I could feel the same feelings that she was feeling, that feeling of a body being completely flush against your romantic partner, able to squeeze them and hold them with your body without that weird feeling of a body part poking against them like that. I pined for the feeling of strong hand caressing my soft smooth hairless body, the feelings of what someone with a vulva feels during physical intimacy. So even though I loved the snuggling and the calmness and the emotional intimacy so much, I couldn't enjoy it physically, because the act of intimacy with this body felt wrong.

My emotions felt wrong all the time. I constantly felt irrationally angry, and I hated myself for it. There were many times where I was watching a sad movie or had a tragic life event happen, and my brain kept telling me that it wanted to cry, it wanted to release that sadness and let it all out. And yet it felt like there was a cap on my emotional expression. I couldn't cry. I couldn't laugh like other people laughed. I couldn't enjoy life like other people simply enjoyed life, and I could see it. Other people enjoyed their social interactions with others, enjoyed their sex-drives, enjoyed intimacy, while I felt like I was constantly fighting against it and constantly felt like a slave to it. No matter how hard I tried, I always felt like I was constantly fighting to get people to see me as I saw myself, constantly fighting against my body and wishing that it was female, constantly dealing with the depression that comes with knowing that I couldn't be them, that I couldn't just be the person that I saw myself as. I survived just fine, and I tried my best to be as happy as possible, but again, it felt like I was living in a fog.



Post-transition, I feel normal.

There never was a cathartic release where I said "YES!!! I MADE IT!!! I'm a woman now!" and danced for joy and celebrated and my life was happy from then on. Now that it's been 3 years I don't even really remember having "transitioned." In my mind, there's still continuity. I'm still me. It's just that the more time goes on, the more I look back on the things that used to be a serious hindrance to my quality of life and I realize that wow, I don't feel those things anymore. Life is simply much more normal now.

When people talk to me, it's ME that they're talking to. When I have emotions, they finally feel like my emotions again, happy or sad. As I'm following my passion, that disease called dysphoria interferes with me much less often and I'm simply able to be, to enjoy life, rather than having it constantly interrupting. My body finally feels more like my body. (Not completely there yet, though... dysphoria doesn't completely go away.) My sex drive finally feels right instead of feeling like I'm a slave to it or it's wrong. I'm finally so much more able to feel normal, to feel like I'm free to be me and do the things I want to do without dysphoria constantly getting in the way. That's the feeling. Being normal. Finally being able to take life and your own sense of self for granted

The way I see being trans, it's a medical condition. It's something that hinders your ability to enjoy life, to feel connected with your body and connected with your identity in the same way that everyone else is. Transition is not about "changing" from one thing into another. It's simply about being the person that you've always seen yourself as.




TL;DR:

Pre-transition: was always trying to feel "normal" and yet was constantly derailed by feelings of fundamental "wrongness" and this feeling that a sort of fog was blunting my life experience.

Post-transition: doesn't really think about it anymore, I'm mostly just living my life.

Quote from: autumn08 on January 13, 2016, 09:11:04 PM
How does being transitioned feel?

It feels quiet. The hammers in my head stopped.

Quote from: autumn08 on January 13, 2016, 09:11:04 PM
How does being transitioned feel?

I'd say it's calm. I was perpetually depressed and totally confused before. Now I'm not.

Quote from: autumn08 on January 13, 2016, 09:11:04 PM
My goal is to begin transitioning by my 27th birthday, but in the interim, even though I have incessantly wanted to be female since I was 5 years old, I often question if it is the correct path for me. The reason is, I feel there are more things I would like to experience than my life will allow, and I could always find something more fulfilling than altering my body.

Just don't get stuck in the rut of, "I can't do this thing that I enjoy if I transition", because it's not true. I blocked myself so many times with thoughts like that.

Quote from: Emileeeee on January 14, 2016, 09:53:31 AM
Just don't get stuck in the rut of, "I can't do this thing that I enjoy if I transition", because it's not true. I blocked myself so many times with thoughts like that.

I have explored this part of it for me extensively.
I love motorcycles. My wife and I do day, weekend and week long trips on our motorcycles. I was worried that this would stop...then I realized *DUH*, my wife does it and she is way tinier than I will ever be!
My other hobby is home theater and audio. Nothing to prevent me from doing that regardless of my plumbing!
I enjoy computers...it is a hobby and my profession. Again, nothing I can't do there either.
I enjoy exercising and riding my bicycle. Aside from the energy hit once things really get rolling (HRT), I seriously doubt it will stop me from enjoying being physically active.

Obviously, I will have to give up my World's Strongest Man ambitions (I'm kidding hehe)...but really, the feminist in me screams that there isn't anything I can't do as a woman if I want to.

First off I am only been on hormones for 7 weeks so you know where I am. I think you need to take a long hard look at who you truly are. Because if you are not 100% sure, this can be a very hard and dark road to go down and you need to know it's what you need to do to get through it. Everyone will have different stories, some positive, some negative. Mine so far has been positive but I also have just begun.

You know how you feel inside and if you know the outside doesn't reflect the inside you need to accept it and start to change it. I am now 37 and I regret everyday that I did not do this sooner. Everyday you wait is another day it becomes harder mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I fell into a very dark place because I tried to deny who I was and be who society said I was. It almost cost me my life. The moment I made the decision to be true to myself and told my wife was one of the happiest of my life!

That is why I think putting such emphasis on the journey as a big factor on your decision is wrong. Where your emphasis should be on who you really are. I don't want you to put it off because you heard something that scared you and then 10 years find yourself in that same dark place.

It's good to know what you are getting into but don't make it a big part of your decision. Choose the right path because it is who you are.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

(my personal experience ahead, may not be the same for everyone)

It feels awesome!

I'm still pre-op, but I've been living as myself full time for about one year and 4 months...

Before my transition I was very shy, close and had almost no friends. My life was lonely and I hated my body,  I hated my clothes, I hated my life...

I spent almost all my youth hidden behind videogames and virtual worlds like Second life, the only places where I could be myself.

I had no expectatives...  Thinking about the future always Led me to a dark place in my mind...  I was very depressed...

Then one day something happened and made me see how life is short...  You can die any day...  And you cant leave things for tomorrow...  Today is the day of being happy.

I started hormone therapy and leaving my house as myself... My familiy supported me and that was all I needed.

At the beginning I was extremely unsecure about passing, fearing being spotted, worried about looking feminine enough...  but after I went fulltime I never had any problem at all and that was a great boost to my self-steem.

After about 8-9 months I was already feeling more confident and I was gradually coming back to life. I went back to my studies and now I am waiting to check if I was approved at the unniversity so I can finish my studies.

After I legaly changed my name on my documents everything became a lot better... no more worries about not being allowed to use the feminine bathroom, no more shame when waitning people to call my name at the hospital, etc etc.

Today living as myself seems each day more normal... now it just feels right! Everything is settling down and my life is going back to normal, as it should have been since the beginning... and being able to live your life without wearing masks is priceless.

I feel I am finaly in peace.

(sorry any mistakes, my english is rusty)

It feels oddly normal like I don't know how to describe it honestly. All my life I felt off, wrong, never felt right, now that feeling is gone mostly.

*

Autumn:

Transition is exactly as you wrote - it is subjective for each of us as we share our common experiences among our own perspectives as events unfold.

You will read 'YMMV' (that old slang term from the used car dealer - 'Your mileage may vary') many times in many posts and threads.

For example, we M-F endure electrolysis / laser to eliminate facial hair (our common experience) yet what we do and how we complete it is different among us all.

Before I transitioned, I felt depressed having to live presenting as a 'male' though I was frequently mistaken as female or femme male and abused for it.  Perhaps some strangers saw me as a Lesbian trying to present as femme male.  Presenting as female ended that contradiction.

When and how you transition will be your own.  Some simply get up one morning and begin living their identified gender full-time.  Others such as yours truly gradually changed different parts of my life from male to female until one day all facets of my life were female and I completed my transition; mine endured for 11 years, yet it was my way and I am satisfied.  My only real regret is that I could have done better had I known better, but my era was far different than today where you have much better and much easier.

Wearing female attire before ERT or not full-time did not make me '->-bleeped-<-'.  I have always been female and was merely doing what is customary in my culture - a female wearing female clothes.

As Carrie wrote, I have quite a difficult time remembering my 'before' life.  My 'male' adult life was brief and ages ago.  Since I had no 'male' sexual experience, I know only female and that has a certain true female quality that pleases me.

Emily is quite accurate about her assessment.  Every day you delay could be one more day lost.  I was fortuneate, I began at age 18.  In many ways I began at age 3 when my memories begin.  I was open to my family by my feminine protesting tantrums; I presented my female self-identity to my family.

Perhaps I can describe transition as a process that eliminated an incapacitation.  The decision to transition and change can be a major life decision for some; it was not that major decision for me but rather any other 'normal' decision.  It was the decision for me to correct my incapacitation.

I know that my life is an enjoyable life that would not be had I not transitioned.

My post- life is normal - at least my 'normal'.

In conclusion, you can't know transition well until you begin it.  That decision to transition remains held in the palms of your hands and ready for you to experience it.  Know that as long as you take no irreversible action, you can revert.

*

For me it just feels right, and natural; I get to be 100% me, 100% of the time, and it just doesn't get any better than that. 😊

I've heard that it's not so much a high and a happy as an absence of (emotional/mental) pain or anguish.

Thank you everyone for responding! 

All of the adjectives related to contentment and your enticing experiences are exactly what I would hope to achieve from transitioning. I know feeling entirely content is impossible, because life requires a direction, but I also thought maybe I was romanticizing transition, and feeling content with any consistency was also impossible. Thank you for giving me some hope.

Thank you also for sharing your experiences with me, and allowing me to empathize with you, and know that I am in great company. Hopefully I will continue to have my present fortitude, so that after I take care of some my other priorities, I can give myself a chance at being happy.