Hello all,

I am an 18 year old college student living in university housing. I've known that I'm transgender ever since the age of 15. However, my family has prevented me from transitioning due to their lack of understanding of it. After several arguments and my dad threatening to disown me, I've now given up and convinced my dad that I'm in the process of "curing" myself and "ignoring" my transgender thoughts. However, I'm still thinking about transitioning and I would like to do it as soon as possible to become as "passable" as possible. I know that sounds vein, but I don't want to regret anything later on in the future.

My college offers three paid internship cycles to gain hands-on experience in my field. The average pay is $20/hour (i'm not making this up...). It's a normal Monday-Friday internship for 6 consecutive months. I will be doing this three times over a course of five years. Thankfully, my parents said I can save the money for myself because they will be paying for my food, housing, etc.. In total, it's estimated that I will make $35,000 after taxes which is plenty of money to transition and save up for the future.

I will be starting the internship next year and I was wondering if I can hide my transition for five years without my parents noticing.
I'm already really small/feminine for a guy (5'4", size 8 shoes in women's, really small/feminine face), and I used to get mistaken for a girl back when I had long hair a year ago. My mom also has a really feminine body and prominent, feminine cheekbones so I'm concerned about that showing too much when I start HRT...
I've seen the way cheekbones transform with HRT on other people and I'm seriously concerned about my transition being way too obvious.

Do you guys think I can hide it for five years? Any tips/advice? thanks.

I will be going home once every few months.

Quote from: richie on January 15, 2016, 02:15:48 PM
I've seen the way cheekbones transform with HRT on other people and I'm seriously concerned about my transition being way too obvious.

Do you guys think I can hide it for five years? Any tips/advice? thanks.

Wow, that's a tough situation.  But I think you really need to come up with Plan B, an alternative of some kind.  The whole reason TG folks use HRT is because it has a transformational effect.  Although it's gradual, it will be noticed by your parents (unless they're really obtuse) when you show up after an absence of several months each time.

Beyond the physical changes from HRT, there is also a more emotional side to the process.  HRT has a feminizing effect on personality as well as the body.  And the transformation process develops a kind of emotional momentum as it unfolds.  These will make it extremely difficult for you to conceal what's going on, even for brief visits at home just a few times a year.

The internship possibility seems really promising from an education and career perspective.  But I think you have to find some alternative if you want to move forward with transition.  We feel for you.  We've been there.

I've done it more than 5 years, so it is possible for me at least. No idea if you can do it.

I've kept my facial hair, and it makes a huge difference to my presentation. I'm not sure I could do it otherwise. That and short male haircut, and being able to hide the breasts, which is a matter of luck.

Some people wouldn't be able to cope with the facial hair, and some can't hide the breasts. And once you start HRT you might find you just want to fully transition immediately. It has very strong mental effects.

I'm a lot older than 18 as well, so its possible that "helps".

Quote from: richie on January 15, 2016, 02:15:48 PM
Do you guys think I can hide it for five years? Any tips/advice? thanks.

At 18? I doubt you'll be able to hide it after a year, let alone 5.
Maybe you could just take blockers and not estrogen or blockers and a low dose of estrogen.

Quote from: KarinMcD on January 15, 2016, 03:03:31 PM
At 18? I doubt you'll be able to hide it after a year, let alone 5.
Maybe you could just take blockers and not estrogen or blockers and a low dose of estrogen.

I've looked into blockers but I'm not sure how they work. Wouldn't the imbalance of hormones be really unhealthy since hormones do a lot more than just give you secondary sex characteristics?

Quote from: itsApril on January 15, 2016, 02:34:10 PM
Wow, that's a tough situation.  But I think you really need to come up with Plan B, an alternative of some kind.  The whole reason TG folks use HRT is because it has a transformational effect.  Although it's gradual, it will be noticed by your parents (unless they're really obtuse) when you show up after an absence of several months each time.

Beyond the physical changes from HRT, there is also a more emotional side to the process.  HRT has a feminizing effect on personality as well as the body.  And the transformation process develops a kind of emotional momentum as it unfolds.  These will make it extremely difficult for you to conceal what's going on, even for brief visits at home just a few times a year.

The internship possibility seems really promising from an education and career perspective.  But I think you have to find some alternative if you want to move forward with transition.  We feel for you.  We've been there.

Well, with the program I'm in right now, I will be in school for a total of five years because of how much time internships take. I won't have any summers off and I will be graduating at age 23. I'm kind of afraid of how not transitioning during college will impact me emotionally

If you're that afraid of your father's reaction, I would avoid HRT until you're done with college and officially on your own. What you can do though is to work on a wardrobe, hair removal (or reduction), voice, makeup, meeting accepting people, therapy. You could probably get away with shaving, but I don't know. My father was every bit as irate and then some. I ended not visiting him during the summers anymore because he lived too close to a beach and I didn't want to hear it.

*** Edited to comment on a post that happened while I was typing this:
You can still start a transition in college without HRT though. You'd just need to learn to cope with reverting to old self mode when you visit the folks for awhile.

The blockers will stop any additional masculine development and will help you live with the TG feeling. You could work on beard removal and add estrogen the last year or two of school. I could have gone 5 years on estrogen without people noticing but my body was fairly unresponsive to hormones. Others are far luckier that me and start showing physical changes after a few months.

You can do a good deal of the work in 5 years without detection as long as you are careful not to start estrogen until you are ready to handle the changes it will cause.

I don't think it's a good idea to be on blockers and no estrogen as this will reduce energy levels needed to get through school and life, in general. It can also cause depression/anxiety, reduce bone density despite supplementing with Vitamin D/calcium. It can affect memory as well. Low dose estrogen would probably be healthier and not "out" you.

It appears, however, that one anti-androgen in particular may perhaps naturally increase E levels (just enough but not so much) so that they protect you against the loss of sex hormones. It is called bicalutamide. It doesn't block androgens (testosterone) in the brain but blocks it everywhere else. Increased T production due to blockage BUT since T is blocked, it naturally converts to E and you end up with increased E. Neat!

Options to be discussed with a competent, knowledgeable and understanding doctor.

Thanks for all the advice, guys

I'm sure that going straight to HRT will produce very noticeable results on me though.. I'm only 18, my body is reaaally small and my face already looks like a girl's LOL
I know cis girls with bigger hands, feet, etc than me! Not trying to sound cocky, but I'm just trying to let give you guys a better picture of my scenario.

But at the same time, blockers seem kind of scary.

I'm so eager to transition but I know that I'll get disowned as soon as my dad finds out. It's such an awkward situation for me. I already take saw palmetto and stinging nettle extracts to kind of "tone down" my male hormones. So far, all it's done is make my hairline thicker and obliterate my desire for anything sexual. That's it..

I guess I'll just use some of my internship $ to meet with an endocrinologist to see what's safest for me ??

I'm still in the early stages of everything for myself (Very similar to you but about 10 years older). I can't comment on how or when to transition, because for one reason or another, I always felt I wasn't able to.

But 5 years is a long time to just save every single dollar that you get. Things come up. Car wreck, new housing, health insurance or even just clothes and personal items.

Plus you gotta factor that after your done with school, your going to need some cash to setup housing and transportation before you start your new career. If you don't do this on your own, you are going to be relying on your dad, which will keep his current hold over your life.

While I know it doesn't make sense, consider paying your own way in terms of food etc... Instead of having your family do this for you. The longer you let that happen, the longer they will have some kind of "control" or at least something to "hold" over your head. The faster you can be a complete "adult", the faster your decisions will be your own.

Plus, I know $35,000 seems like a lot, and it really is, but over the course of 5 years, I think your independence would be much more valuable. Remember, anytime someone pays for anything for you, it's giving them the go ahead to comment on your life.

Do everything you can, not to let someone have that power over your life.

I assume you are a male to female transgender.   If you consider yourself a female, you can choose the butch lifestyle and let people think what they want.   This  way you can be a female and let others think that you are a male.    If I have this all wrong let me know.

I am male to female and I have taken the view that for the first 53 years I was a female living the butch lifestyle until I discovered that being butch was not the way I wanted to live.

You can do this for five years where you need to and decide later on your lifestyle.   If I am wrong about you being male to female,  then you can just reverse be a guy who is living fem for 5 years.   

The point being you don't have to give up your gender identity you just have to choose the lifestyle that you can live with under your current situation.   However, if get you education under the gender you do not identify with then you have that gender identification on your education records and with all of the people you that you could use as references when you apply for employment.   

Your life leaves a paper trail and whenever the forms ask for your gender identification and you list the one that you matches your physical characteristics and not your gender identity than sooner or later you will have to change it and notify your references. 

I had a long paper history with a male identification including many colleges and teaching jobs.  I have draft registration, social security records, job records from the time I was 19,  college records for my degrees and every time I had to update my teacher's licences, and over time I had driver's licences in five different states.   I have voted in five different states. 

The point being the longer you wait to change your gender on your official records the longer the paper trail you leave as well as the personal relationships.   You are starting out on your journey and only you can decide how you wish to deal with your life.   

Do what you need to to survive the next the next five years of your life, but remember they will leave a paper trail on every record that asks if you are a male or female.

Five years from now when you are applying for your first job with your degree what will your decision be then as to the gender identification you will put on your forms.

As a female if you like living butch and don't mind being labelled as a male,  then what difference does it make.

I think at least some of the changes would be noticeable within months.  I think the people who haven't noticed changes after five years are the few unlucky exceptions, but there are charts and generalizations that do have a reasonably good approximation despite everyone's differences.

Congratulations on your working opportunity!  I am a student too.  I didn't start HRT simply because I am transgender...  my struggle was being aggravated by my academics and career goals too.  Consider this: You're sitting in a challenging course and 90% of the lecture you are thinking about this struggle.  When you go home to study or to do homework, you'll spend time browsing forums like this one and watching videos of other successful transitions you wish you had.  When there is an opportunity to be with your friends, you'll let them go without you so that you can spend time in the room alone doing whatever you can to relieve yourself of this struggle.

I was beginning to feel very isolate and losing interest in everything else.  I can't say that your focus would be going to all the wrong areas, but it is extremely challenging to juggle that dual life.  What are you going to do when you finish your academics too?  What's next?  Wait for family to pass or move away?  I'm still working on it myself so far as the family goes, but I started HRT and it has made an extremely positive impact on myself.  I can now focus on my challenging coursework; I can put time into studying, doing homework, asking questions in class, and attending office hours; I spend all the time I can with my friends, and I have been feeling very happy and confident.

What do you study?  I'm an electrical engineering student myself!  If I may guess: $20/hr for a youngster sounds like a computer science and engineering major?    I love programming!

My best answer to you, my dear Richie, is to not put a bandaid over the situation and hide, but to confront it head on.

It will be well worth the effort to go over the truth with your parents, talk about the real issue, address it, and move on together, as a family. You will be happier in the long run, and the initial discomfort will fade. Granted, most fathers react terribly at first, some do come around, but you may be lucky with him. Between me and my mom, we've grown closer bc of my transition. You may grow closer together as a family.

I am 80% out. I have obligations in the military that where I can be kicked out bc of my TG status... and it sucks to go back and forth between two lives. I'd rather just have one and be happy.

Whatever you decide, everyone here will support you

Audree

*

Richie:

You ask if you can hide your transition for five years.  Obviously you can.  I hid mine for 11 years.

Okay, that's not totally fair.  My family knew all about my transsexual expectations since when I was at least age three.  When I started my transition, I had no idea how long it would take, only that I was of age (18 years old) and ready to go.

People who see pictures of me during high school and young adult years - before late puberty masculinised me during my early 20s - tell me that they see female, not male.  A photograph my dad took of me (age 16) getting an autograph got his ire when family saw it and asked why he took a picture of 'that stranger girl'.

My dad must have seen return correspondences in the mail when I began contact with both Stanford (1977) and Janus (1978).  He found my new Social Security card when the Postal Service delivered it (September 1978).  I started ERT and changed to uni-sex female attire at age 22 (1979).

My family took no interest when I tried to tell them all at once during what was to become a final family gathering (1979).  My father would have seen my physical transition changes when he travelled cross-country to visit me (1980, 1981, 1982); surely he must have snooped while I was at work during the day.  My mother said nothing to me when I visited her (1983 and 1984).  I see pictures of those visits and I am clearly feminine; my mom's mind's eye must have still seen male that was long gone.

My family was not otherwise around during my few adult male years.  Only my father ever saw me with shadow; that began going away after the last time he saw me (1982).  I certainly began my male fail by 1983 or 1984.  By 1985, I finished those 11 years of stealth transition and went female full-time forever; my family finally saw me changed, and it was too late for them to do anything about it.

What Michelle wrote about paper trail is important.  I was lucky that I had few issues there.  I legally changed both my name and sex early - at SSA (1978 - age 22) and with my state (1980 - age 23).  I had only one employer that might have mattered; that ended when they fired me for being transsexual.  That was a gift horse.  I won at Unemployment Insurance; that forced them to change my personnel file and acknowledge my entire career as Sharon / female.

Nor was there any discrepancy to worry about because my legal records already conformed as having a female past.  I re-started my work life in a new career where my references were not immediately critical; everything thereafter was female.

As with StillAnonymous, my ERT and transition kept me focused throughout those 11 years allowing me to do well at work and school and have a social life along the way.  Co-workers were cruel with gossip as my appearance changed, but I survived.  Some in my social circles made guesses about me that I deflected.

I knew my family would be complete rejection and their absence from my life.  The final analysis is how well you know your family.  You can work through it with those whom you expect to be on your side.  You may need to prepare yourself to expect losing those others.  I wish you well.

*

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 15, 2016, 02:54:48 PM
I've done it more than 5 years, so it is possible for me at least. No idea if you can do it.

I've kept my facial hair, and it makes a huge difference to my presentation. I'm not sure I could do it otherwise. That and short male haircut, and being able to hide the breasts, which is a matter of luck.

....

I'm a lot older than 18 as well, so its possible that "helps".

Almost 4 years on my part.   Electro effectively complete.  The girls are getting harder to hide though.

Body language helps I suppose.  Also, much older than 18 as well.

You mention being young... Listen at 3 months I was already male failing and I am 37. It's a crap shoot. Be prepared to come out at any time is all I can say.

Otherwise keep your facial hair and wear baggy clothing.

At one year on HRT I male fail a lot around people I don't know.  That's with long hair and a close shave.  But that's ok with me and makes me feel good.  At work and around people I do know the only Issue is my hair which people comment on a lot.  But I don't care about that.  I've been told that some people at work are talking but I don't care about that either.  So, I doubt that after a time you can remain invisible but beyond that it just depends on how much you care what others say and think.


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Well, I've decided to start my transition a little earlier than expected! I found a very supporting, affordable clinic that specialized in LGBT care in my city. They receive grants/donations that allows them to give affordable care for young people like me  I'll be having my first consultation today!

All I can say is, thank god I go to school in a pretty liberal city! Even my university has a transgender resource center that will handle all of my documents once I change my name and legal gender to avoid the "paper trail" of documents.

Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread