Are there any FtMs on here who are very afraid to go outside alone at night?

I mean, I will do it if I really have to. But otherwise I do avoid it as much as I can. I think its because I have been socialized as female to either stay indoors during the night time or when I do have to go out at night I need to always be armed with a weapon (i.e. pepper spray) and/or be accompanied preferably with a male companion like my dad or brother.

So are there any FtMs on here who feel like me in this area also? Thanks.

Also, should I feel guilty or wrong for feeling scared to go out at night like this? I think it isn't "manly" for men to be afraid to go out at night. But I can't help but to be scared because of how I was socialized to begin with. I guess that's a bit of internalized sexism too. Sorry. >.<

I don't blame you.  Male or female, going out at night nowadays is a dangerous thing.  I would prefer to get my business done during the day as well.  Recently, a cis guy at my church was walking at night, and he was jumped by a pack of guys and mugged, and this dude seemed like the type who could handle himself well.

I don't think that there will be anyone on this forum to tell you to feel guilty about such a thing.  My father used to tell me when I was young things like never going fishing alone, and only guys should do that......or a lesbian (his words not mine).

There's no shame in wanting to be accompanied with a male.  I know it could seem unmanly, but there there's power in numbers. 

I think it depends on where you live.  If it's dangerous there then caution is smart.


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I'd say do as you feel comfortable.

Don't overthink, if you do not feel comfortable you don't.

You might try to pass as well as its reasonable, and have a look at how people react.
If they perceive you as male its very likely you feel more comfortable, and get used to possibly having more space for yourself.

Its possible this way you get used to going out later and finally at night.


hugs

Quote from: Deborah on January 15, 2016, 02:20:18 PM
I think it depends on where you live.  If it's dangerous there then caution is smart.


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I don't think its as dangerous as the city. I live in a small town. But I remember walking down the street at night once and two guys started walking towards me until I started walking towards the street where all the cars were. And one other time, I remember someone shouting at me, "Could you eat my butthole?!" while walking down that same stupid street during the broad daylight hours. O.o Yeah, I kid you not.

I feel uncomfortable walking in the downtown during weekend nights when there are lot of drunken people. You never know what they're gonna do. Fortunately most of the bars and pubs are concentrated on one area there so I can avoid it quite easily.

Now I feel reluctant for other reasons. It's related to the things going on Europe at the moment. Not gonna delve deeply into it...

From what I've understood, pepper sprays are under permit here and both open and concealed carry are very illegal. So I just opt to avoiding the areas than breaking the law.

Quote from: King Malachite on January 15, 2016, 02:15:03 PM
There's no shame in wanting to be accompanied with a male.  I know it could seem unmanly, but there there's power in numbers. 

This. And nothing wrong about being concerned about your own safety.

There's a real disconnect between the ways that men and women are socialized about fears and dangers.  MtF folks often experience exactly the opposite of what you're feeling now.  Socialized as males, they often have an under-appreciation of risks they face on the street in female presentation.  In MtF transition, we have to pay conscious attention to learn how cis-women act and react in relation to risk.

I don't know how far along you are in the transition process.  If you are still largely female in appearance, it wouldn't make sense to run risks that you wouldn't take even if you weren't transgendered.  Male on female violence is real.

As your transition advances, you may end up re-evaluating your attitude towards social risk.  But your safety is paramount!  If something inside you is telling you "I shouldn't do this," please listen to that feeling!  And don't feel guilty about it.  It's not about guilt.

Every once in a while, we read a story in the news about a TG person being violently attacked, and some of them (too damn many!) have died.  Don't end up a dead hero.  You have a long life ahead of you.

I don't usually post here, but being "socialized" on the other side of the fence, I felt like I had valid input. Men aren't really taught to not be afraid, they're just not taught to be afraid. It never even occurred to me that it was dangerous to go out alone at night until I started seriously considering a transition and heard from my girl friends about how they won't go out at night in what seemed like a good neighborhood to me. That being said, I was smart enough to avoid bad neighborhoods at night and be cautious around certain types of people. I think it's better to be cautious than to be oblivious to the dangers though.

Definitely don't feel guilty.  It's not internalized sexism, it's a real threat women face so there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that it (and socialization for it) exists.  I was raised very non-binary and, as such, I have always under appreciated the risks and am probably lucky nothing ever happened to me.  I personally feel 100% safe doing things like jogging at night now because of the reactions I get from men I pass.  (I usually get a "bro nod".). But I still wouldn't walk through a really bad neighborhood at night or even alone with a female.  Not because I don't think ladies can handle themselves but because I know that it is unlikely that possible muggers would see a female companion as a threat.  You should do what makes you feel comfortable but as someone who used to work as a teacher in the ghetto I would suggest that no one who didn't grow up in those neighborhoods walk alone in them after dark.  Personal safety is important, and better safe than sorry!

Definitely don't feel like you're somehow less of a man for feeling unsafe being outside at night. It's just common sense. I'm always afraid if I have to do the same thing even though I live in a nice suburb near a large mixed city. I tend to try and make myself seem as intimidating as possible  (standing up straight, nice dark mens clothes, plus a glare if needed) so I don't get jumped on. It sucks even more for trans men though because we tend to be less than average in height compared to cis men, making us an easier target.
Additionally part of the reason I haven't gone to a trans social group for a while is because they're held late at night :/

For me, it depends on the place. I grew up in a developing rural community and generally wasn't socialized to be afraid of much aside from certain kinds of wildlife. Any place I've ever lived, I've felt fairly safe out at night. When I first moved to the city I currently live in, I got followed once while walking my dog late at night. Applied for a concealed carry permit the next day. I don't go anywhere unarmed anymore.

But there are some places I can't legally carry, like DC where I work. And given a lot of the crime trends (apparently attacking people with your friends is very popular for high schoolers nowadays), I do feel unsafe in certain situations there. I've just had to make choices about clients I will/won't work with based on geography, or times of day where I won't work. I don't take public transportation. I have a dash cam in my car. I've made myself a very unattractive victim by reducing my vulnerability.

You may not be able to stop people from doing bad things, but you can make it inconvenient for them to do so and empower yourself at the same time. It's good to be aware of your surroundings and to recognize when you're not in a good position, but don't stop living your life.

And I wouldn't say there's anything not manly about it. Everyone is afraid of something. Men just typically aren't conditioned to fear physical violence. Women are. As a FTM, you're kind of lucky in that way. Like Emileeeee said, MTFs have to learn how to read and respond to those situations. You already know.

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for those replies. They were all helpful and very appreciated.

Also, does anyone here take any martial arts?

I know you do Judo, Max. You never had to use it on the streets to defend yourself have you? And even if you haven't, does the knowledge of knowing how to defend yourself with Judo make you feel more comfortable outside at night? There is a martial arts school nearby my house that teaches Krav Maga. I'm thinking about checking it out later down the line. I think that if I learned a martial art, that would help ease alot of tension I feel about being outside at all, night or day.

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 15, 2016, 09:16:47 PM
Hey everyone. Thank you so much for those replies. They were all helpful and very appreciated.

Also, does anyone here take any martial arts?

I know you do Judo, Max. You never had to use it on the streets to defend yourself have you? And even if you haven't, does the knowledge of knowing how to defend yourself with Judo make you feel more comfortable outside at night? There is a martial arts school nearby my house that teaches Krav Maga. I'm thinking about checking it out later down the line. I think that if I learned a martial art, that would help ease alot of tension I feel about being outside at all, night or day.

You might pick up a martial art if you like it.

But there are courses going for a day specifically for people showing how to defend themselves.
Included are usually lessons in how to be aware its the persons right to defend themselves, and which soft points to go for.

Imo much of this is also a mental thing.
Being overly fearful attracts people, they can sense this. Being confident and ruling out violence might be helpful.
A lady having a regal stance is usually not threatened.
Same for male persons.


hugs

To expand on Laura's comment, there are some thing you can do to both be and feel less vulnerable.  This coming from a male socialized perspective.

The most important thing is just to be constantly aware of your environment.  See and hear what's around you and if something isn't feeling or looking right then leave the area before trouble starts.

Then you have to project an aura of invincibility and not outwardly show fear.  I honestly can't really explain this well other than to say it's learned and practiced.  It's not the same as being simply oblivious either nor is it the same as acting thuggish.  It's more a thing of silent confidence.  Think James Bond or Steven Segal from the movies.

And knowing self defense moves and being confident you can use them helps you project that aura.  Some of these are very simple too, knowing vulnerable areas of the body that can instantly disable or kill.  Keep the attitude in your mind that you will never instigate trouble but that if someone else does then one person will die.  Be mentally prepared to be a bezerker.

Lastly, maintain a decent level of physical fitness.  That shows in how you carry yourself and gives you self confidence.

Anyway, that's how it's always worked for me and the last time anybody tried picking on me was when I was 13 and decided that it wasn't ever going to happen again.


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Well... no. I enjoy going out at night by myself. I have no fear of it. I used to wander about in whatever city I was living in at all hours, sometimes I had a job that meant I got out at 5 a.m. and walked home through the city center. Which was usually a ghost town at that time.

That said. I ALWAYS carried a defensive object of some sort, knife, kubotan, whatever. The city I grew up in was known to be 'rough'. My dad taught me some useful martial arts. As a kid I would sometimes just go out and wander around in the night to avoid listening to my parents trying to half kill each other. Happy families.

I wasn't socialized to be afraid of it - my parents didn't care where I was most of the time. But I am aware of what I'm doing and I'm careful. Probably wouldn't still be around if I wasn't. It's wise to be aware of your surroundings at all times.

Women are socialized to avoid going out alone at night but statistically speaking, men are far more likely to be violently attacked out there than women are.

I carry but situational awareness is still key. I avoid certain areas at night like downtown Newark or Paterson.

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 15, 2016, 09:16:47 PM
I know you do Judo, Max. You never had to use it on the streets to defend yourself have you? And even if you haven't, does the knowledge of knowing how to defend yourself with Judo make you feel more comfortable outside at night? There is a martial arts school nearby my house that teaches Krav Maga. I'm thinking about checking it out later down the line. I think that if I learned a martial art, that would help ease alot of tension I feel about being outside at all, night or day.

I took jiu-jitsu classes as a kid. I boxed and kickboxed as a teenager. I've got a black belt in Judo. In the police academy we were taught Krav Maga. I've trained with some recognizable names in the mixed martial arts world. Yet I have only had to defend myself a few times, and those were all as a police officer in the line of duty and not a civilian walking around at night. I think that is largely due to the way I carry myself.

I will co-sign what Deborah and Kate said - it's not necessarily having the skills, it's having the confidence and knowledge. Part of that is having situational awareness and making yourself an unappealing victim. The other part is not showing fear. If I'm an attacker and I have a choice in attacking a guy who seems to be aware of what is going on around him, who is looking around/doesn't have his eyes glued to his phone, who looks confident - or a guy who's walking quickly, eyes down, maybe with headphones in, hands in his pockets, or looking at his phone. I'm going to go for the second guy. He's given me non-verbal cues that he will not put up as much of a fight as the other guy, or that it will be easier to overcome what fight he does bring.

A disadvantage you have as someone AFAB is that you've likely been socialized to placate and appear nice, or ignore anyone that bothers you. Don't do that. Make eye contact with people, address them in passing. You can avoid 99% of conflicts by making yourself unappealing and knowing what is going on around you. The 1% that are unavoidable can either be run away from or fought out of, and both of those will come down to skills.

A lot of martial arts schools teach some situational awareness in their lessons. I would say focus on something that is meant for self-defense. Krav Maga is ideal because that is solely what it was designed for. It would give you skills, understanding, and confidence. That would get my vote.

^ Great points by FTMax.

I'm sure I've avoided trouble most of the time by appearing confident. Apparently I have a glare that is very off-putting. When I first went to uni at 19 and was living alone in a new city by myself, another student I was rooming with said: "whoa. You have scary eyes. Like 'touch me and you're dead' eyes. I've seen you walking about looking like you're going to kill someone." I never knew I was sporting this look but apparently I do whenever I'm wandering about alone. I look at people and size them up, and never wear headphones and stuff like that while walking. A more lively gait and looking like you're fully aware of your surroundings signals to would-be attackers you're ready for them.

On the occasions I did get trouble - of a different kind - open threats have done the trick, not least because I'm usually not bluffing about what I'll do if someone lays hands on. Stay away from groups though if you're not in one yourself. 

^Definitely a great point here also, by T.K.G.W. about having The Look.

I was told I had that a couple of times throughout my life by relatives. Like the kind that is very reminiscent of gangsta rappers like Ice Cube or something. Like a look that says "stay back or die," like what you said. The thing is that I don't always sport that look when I know I should or really want to but for some reason I can't at the time. I guess when I get time I should practice this, but I think one reason I am not as willful with it at times is because I've practiced quite a bit to be the opposite of that; friendly. I see now how this can work against me in times of danger. Haha....yeah...

From how you describe The Look, T.K.G.W., I'd stay miles away from you. Haha. I mean, I think some people have to seriously be mentally challenged if they keep doing things to intentionally set people off who's got a mean set of eyes the way you described.

I can't say that I am. Even when I was being socialized as female I would go out at night often and so would my friends, many of whom were female. I think it just depends on what you were taught when you were younger and what kind of experiences you'  had with being out in the dark regardless of gender (although girls are more commonly taught not to be out during the night). I know guys who don't like to be out at night, there's nothing to be ashamed of about it.