I'm sorry everyone, if you thought this title was way too long. I can't think up a better way to title this I suppose. I hope its not too dreadfully confusing and does at least serve its purpose by letting you guys know what my thread is basically all about. Moving along....

So this morning I pretty much had a misgendered dysphoric reawakening because the idiotically oblivious (and perhaps a little blind and hard of hearing?) cab driver kept on calling me "ma'am" throughout the remainder of his service until I got to dialysis even after telling him that I prefer to just be called Phoenix. No, I really didn't bother to tell him the terribly mundane trans 101 like I used to do with every new driver because its just that; terribly mundane.

As a result, I got "ma'ammed" to death, it seems like, almost in a literal sense because I found myself mute in a heartbeat and having no desire or compulsion whatsoever to speak as soon as I arrived to dialysis, my destination. Not that I spoke to this slowpoke cabbie before I got there, but seems like after taking that misgendering beating I really couldn't speak.

I noticed this happens alot. As if when I am seemingly proven wrong about being a man and have it constantly reinforced somehow (like being called "ma'am" over and over and over again as if that is my name even after telling the person what I like to be called), I don't know what else to say anymore and just "give up" on talking because its like no one listens to me in the first place. You know? >.>

I mean today was worse than usual. Hardly anyone could get a word outta me. Just a mess. But it was better they didn't cause I would of just whined like a big ol'crybaby who thinks he's entitled to every damn thing under the sun (including being referred to as "sir" and not ma'am).

Its even more of a downer to get the misgender mashup like that cause, dude, how much more "manly" could I look after getting my haircut like this yesterday?:


windows 7 print screen

I know, I am definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to "manliness," but how can someone just blindly misgender that nonstop like some misgendering marathon or something?!

Then another qualm I get with gender dysphoria that's pretty annoying is jealousy. I mean, there are days where I get so jealous of cis guys and 100% physically transitioned transguys that I want to end my life because I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. I'm not sure if anyone else's jealousy in gender dysphoria is as extreme as mine's. Mine's gets to the point where I have to avoid certain threads and members on here cause it seems like they either brag alot about the things they got that I wish I had or like they're better than me in some way because they are more privileged. I know, I shouldn't be jealous but the sad, rotten, undeniable truth is that I just am jealous.....Heck I even get jealous towards cis women and 100% physically transitioned women because they are far more comfortable with their bodies and know how it feels to be so. I do not. Major jealousy trigger there. Sorry everyone that I am quite a hater, but its not like I want to be. You know?

Anyone else here have these feelings of selective mutism and gender dysphoric jealousy? And I wonder if and how these two things are related besides having to do with gender dysphoria?

I have a real jealousy streak  too. I can be out of the house doing whatever and see other girls just being themselves and all I can think of is missed opportunities. It can be a real downer and on my more shy days, I can be really quiet afterwards. If I can get involved in something that I get a lot of joy out of ( like shopping or playing with my hair) it helps take my mind of my problems. Other than that the jealousy gives me fuel to be the best girl I can be.
As for that cab driver.... You tried to fix the problem but he didn't listen. You get some really arrogant or really dumb people sometimes and all you can do is shake your head. I get the feeling that I am more abrupt than you and I wouldn't have been so nice. I would have put him in his place the moment he called me something I'm not.

^ Awesome points there, Danielle!

I think I really should have stood up for myself in that regard about being called something I am not. I should have sat back and called him a ma'am too. But the thing is, if I did that I get worried that he might kick me out of his car or something. I've had that take place before for a different reason.

In that instance, I remember telling this cab driver my assigned name like on three different occasions so he could identify me legally. And for some reason the way I said it the third time really set him off and he said that I was being too rude for me to be transported back to my home. He proceeded to have me removed from his vehicle and re-enter the dialysis facility where I was scolded at by a tech as if he were my father for being kicked out of the cab.

So after a horrid experience such as this, I sometimes bother not to say anything. I mean, when you think about it, it gets hard to see why they wouldn't misgender me. They see me identified as female on my records and that my name is effeminate beyond reason. Like the type of name that could never mistaken me (or more like correctly) refer me as a man. And I guess I am just so sick of explaining myself. Its so repetitive. I think if I run into him again (and I probably will) I am definitely saying something because its like he didn't know to call me Phoenix even after telling him that once like he has a hard time understanding and I doubt he really did have a hard time.....