Hi peeps,
I'm 43 years old (44 next month), born female, legally married with a woman and I've taken the 1st step to alight my mind with my body.
Growing up I was a Tomboy, growing in Lisbon suburbia in early 70s in Portugal wasn't easy, nor for me or for my mum. I grow up listening non-stop that I should wear dresses, that I shouldn't play on the streets with boys and or have boys' play like marbles and go-karts.
So when at the age of 7/8 I was raped by a group of 3 boys, I didn't say a thing. It was definitely - I thought - my fault for being playing with boys instead of being at home playing with dolls.
I was then sexual assaulted over the years, until the age of 12, mainly it started with them blackmailing me by saying "If you don't do this, we'll tell your parents that you had sex with us".
I never felt a woman and I sure had problems with emotions and boys. I had boyfriends, good relationships and bad relationships.
At the age of 24 I finally accepted that I was a lesbian and things got better, yes, but not completely. Even as a lesbian I had certain hangups. I certainly always felt more masculine instead of a woman being with other woman.
Still, I was never butch or felt butch, even if I've always have prefer to use boxers.
And when buying clothes, I'm immediately drawn to the Menswear aisle.
Before coming out as a lesbian, I was a Marketing Director in a shopping centre and did wear tailored suits with skirt and jacket and did the all make up thing. It was shorted lived. For me it was more playing a power role rather than being myself. A sort of Demi Moore in The Firm kinda of thing.
A lot has happen since then.
I am now a person that for over a year wears ties and bow ties to work. I have a very vibrant personality, a very I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- to what you think. It's my life, it's me that it's going to die this life, so I'll live it as I find fit. You do whatever you want to do with your life, I do whatever I want to do with mine! So, I come out of the closet as a woman who likes to wear a dapper style.
All was going "well" until last month.
On my way home after work, I was attacked my a man. I know that I was target for being a woman wearing a tie. He was very violent and fixated on my tie. ---- Google "Deaf woman attacked London Tie) or check out the hashtag #tieforhelena on Twitter --- The all attack just prompted me to think ... Why do I do this? Why do I make myself vulnerable like this?
On top of this, for the last 2 years, here now and again, when I see or read articles about transgender kids, I always tell my wife "One fact is: If I was born today or if all this transgender kids was as visible as today, I honestly don't know if my gender path had been the same."
Last weekend my wife and I were speaking about me and my body and the conversation just took a turn that neither of us was expecting. That I really want to explore the core of my gender.
So, tomorrow I have a GP appointment where I'm going to ask to start the all Gender Dysphoria process.
I really don't know what's going to happen.
I know what I want now ... I want to remove my breasts. They're a DD cup, I've always HATED them. I've been told that due to the size of them, nipple reconstruction might not be possible and I'm to expect large scars. I might decide to have them reduced and then wear binders.
I do want to remove my ovaries.
I don't want to take Testosterone.
I don't know if I want to fully transition to male.
I don't know if I'm a she or a he. I sure feel like I'm both. For now I'm definitely non-binary.
I am a scared as hell. To be honest, I feel as scared as <Not Permitted>.
Scared of all the ->-bleeped-<-e that will come out of the Pandora's box as soon as I start verbalizing everything that goes on my mind. Not to mention, all the things that are on my subconscious.
Scared that I'll loose my wife (which I love beyond belief).
So, I guess this is it, this is my hello post. I've been browsing a few posts on the forum. I'm keen to hear from those who are on the same path in their 40s or 50s, or from anyone with a similar story.
Warmly,
Helena
Mod Edit:Language
