The Lure of Stealth

By Suzi Chase, 1/17/2016

https://www.susans.org/2016/01/17/the-lure-of-stealth/

At first glance, the stealth lifestyle is enticing.  Trying to date as a post-op transgender woman has frustrated me, and being seen simply as a woman has a powerful allure.

Stealth, as I'm defining it, is a life where no one knows I've transitioned or those few who do are committed to keeping that secret.

It would change dating. I wouldn't have "transgender" on my dating profile, so cisgender straight men and lesbian women would see me romantically as a full-fledged member of my gender. I'd have the same chance as any other woman of my age and attractiveness, without the extra burden of being seen as not completely female. I wouldn't face the often insurmountable obstacle of convincing people I've never met that I'd make as good a girlfriend as a cisgender woman.

I admire those who live openly.

I'm kind of stealth, in that I'm continuing to live male when I should have socially transitioned already. I don't like the hiding and fear of being outed, and its getting more oppressive as the years go by. I'd hate to socially transition and end up doing the same thing again.

I don't think its ethically right to lie to your partner. I can understand why people do, but you're basically pushing your problems onto them. I can't imagine being capable of doing that myself.

Passing has definitely been a blessing for me.  It's nice to just go to the mall or anywhere and just be another girl in the crowd. 

to e it just doesn't matter if you want to live stealth it's no ones business. If no one seems to question you even though it's non of their business I just go with the flow. People seem to be taking me as a woman lately  and I have no need to interrupted them to tell them there is a qualifier. To me it's a need to know bases. a future partner is the only one for me that needs to know.

Living within the woodwork (stealth) has issues that, I assume, those who are openly transgendered don't deal with. As a dedicated woodworker, I have to be careful how much of my past I reveal so as to not be caught in a lie. Example: I smile and nod when a friend talks about how difficult childbirth was for her.

There are also inestimable rewards. Within my circle of friends I'm just one of the girls. No one second guesses me. I'm in a lesbian relationship (she's cis, we met in the AOL TG chatroom) that's lasted 20 years, so I don't have to worry about dating; my condolences to those of you who do.

My question would be, when you lay in bed at night, imagining your future, do you want to be transgendered, or do you want to be accepted as the gender you wish? There's nothing wrong with wanting to be seen as transgendered (thank you from the bottom of my heart), but I think most of us just want to live our lives as a socially accepted gender, man or woman. I didn't write society's rules, but I do try to live within them.

Well, there's stealth and then there's stealth. I couldn't be stealth to a lover, but I keep silent about my past when I make new acquaintances.

I work at one school where many of my colleagues know because I started my transition while working there. But the people who have known me since grad school have also known about my gender identity from the beginning, so maybe that's why nobody seemed to find my situation particularly gossip-worthy. That, and they're a good bunch of people. Anyway, a few years have passed since I started looking unmistakably male. If there was any drama, I never saw it, and it has long since passed.

I understand that this information could leak out to an uninformed colleague or a student. I doubt that such a colleague would even mention my status or ask me questions about it. I don't know whether a student would; my students are young and may lack certain social finesse, and their generation tends to be less private than mine. But I'm prepared to be matter-of-fact about it. The less fuss I make, the less likely someone is to consider the information juicy and worthy of spreading.

Being stealth in this way does have its stresses, but I don't think it can compare with the stress of being stealth with a sexual partner. I couldn't handle that, and I would want full disclosure anyway.

The link was thought provoking but it missed a couple of things.  To some people, a confident transgendered individual  is a step up, not a step down.  I have far more women and men interested in me now than I ever did before.  It's because I'm not hiding.  It's because I've been through a terrible ordeal.  It's because of honest strength.

The other thing it missed is random events.  Old, forgotten and buried facts comming to light due to computers and data that lives forever.  It will find you, even if it's just an inquiry.

We need to live true to ourselves, even if at times that is very uncomfortable or very unpleasant.

I wish stealth was possible....

Hugs

Jen

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 17, 2016, 07:51:43 PM
I admire those who live openly.

I'm kind of stealth, in that I'm continuing to live male when I should have socially transitioned already. I don't like the hiding and fear of being outed, and its getting more oppressive as the years go by. I'd hate to socially transition and end up doing the same thing again.

I don't think its ethically right to lie to your partner. I can understand why people do, but you're basically pushing your problems onto them. I can't imagine being capable of doing that myself.

Sorry but that is not what stealth for a transwoman means. If you are a biological male, presenting as a male ( nothing wrong with that btw) then that is different than being a post op transwoman leading her life as a stealth. The first one is called living in the closet. The two  scenarios are totally different and have completely different implications.

Quote from: Ritana on January 17, 2016, 11:19:57 PM

Sorry but that is not what stealth for a transwoman means. If you are a biological male, presenting as a male ( nothing wrong with that btw) then that is different than being a post op transwoman leading her life as a stealth. The first one is called living in the closet. The two  scenarios are totally different and have completely different implications.

I know that, that's why I said "kind of". Its the closest I could relate my experience to the subject at hand. I've been on HRT for years and I'm pretty far from male at this point.

May I ask the reason why you haven't taken the step of transitioning? (BA, body surgeries, etc?).

Quote from: AnonyMs on January 17, 2016, 11:57:21 PM
I know that, that's why I said "kind of". Its the closest I could relate my experience to the subject at hand. I've been on HRT for years and I'm pretty far from male at this point.

Stealth is kind of like living in the closet; you're still hiding a part of yourself

Quote from: Ritana on January 18, 2016, 12:43:49 AM
May I ask the reason why you haven't taken the step of transitioning? (BA, body surgeries, etc?).

Family, money. I'm not desperate enough yet. I take little steps as I have to, and so far haven't crossed the line.

I thinking SRS next; no one has to know. BA, FFS, electrolysis, all could out me, so I'm leaving those for if and when I socially transition.

Edit: I forgot fear, I have a healthy dose of that.

But no reputable surgeon would perform srs without a 2- year RLE.

Going back to topic, I think stealth is a double-edged sword. I can't and will never tell a guy I'm trans. In a real straight guy's eyes, you are just a man pumped up with hormones and surgeries.

For many reasons I could never go stealth. I'm way too well known for a start.

Also I am proud of being me, the fight I had the struggle I had and yes my bravery in finally overcoming my fears.

I am lucky, the society I live in doesn't care if you are TG, Gay, Lesbian a combination of them or want to walk around dressed as Ronald McDonald.

I would walk around in a T-shirt saying 'I came out as Transgender before it became popular'.

Why not? I have nothing to be ashamed of for being the woman I am.

Quote from: Ritana on January 18, 2016, 01:17:16 AM
But no reputable surgeon would perform srs without a 2- year RLE.

Going back to topic, I think stealth is a double-edged sword. I can't and will never tell a guy I'm trans. In a real straight guy's eyes, you are just a man pumped up with hormones and surgeries.

Not sure about that, some insecure men may. I met a guy on the weekend who used a cute pick up line and I responded in kind. I told him I was TG before we got hot and steamy, his reply was 'I don't care, you are one of the most fascinating women I have met'. Ye he had good lines!

I'd like to live like Cindy does. That I can admire.

Quote from: Cindy on January 18, 2016, 01:22:09 AM
I would walk around in a T-shirt saying 'I came out as Transgender before it became popular'.

I'd like to see that. I wonder if you could sell them.

Quote from: Ritana on January 18, 2016, 01:17:16 AM
But no reputable surgeon would perform srs without a 2- year RLE.

That's a widely held belief that's actually incorrect.

personally , I think people make this into  issue where there is no issue. I live my life within the laws of government , that's all anyone should be concerned with. I think we went through this about 40 some years ago with the Hippies and what did society get from that , but granola and health food.

It is very easy to use the word incorrect without elaborating, especially when it's based on wishful thinking.
.
Any of the reputable surgeons would like to see that you have lived in you identified gender during the RLE. Plus, you will need approval from two gender specialists.

Prior to my SRS I contacted many world known surgeons and I can tell you that they all wanted to see two referral letters from two different psychiatrists specialised in  gender issues.

Quote from: Ritana on January 18, 2016, 01:53:21 AM
It is very easy to use the word incorrect without elaborating, especially when it's based on wishful thinking.
.
Any of the reputable surgeons would like to see that you have lived in you identified gender during the RLE. Plus, you will need approval from two gender specialists.

Prior to my SRS I contacted many world known surgeons and I can tell you that they all wanted to see two referral letters from two different psychiatrists specialised in  gender issues.

This comes back nicely to stealth. I'm not elaborating on purpose; I don't wish to cause anyone anyone any trouble. Why? Because its not accepted in the trans community, just like being trans is not accepted in the wider society, which is why people hide behind closeting and stealth.

It's also Internet, there's nothing I can say that proves anything. However you can judge me by reading my posts and seeing what kind of person I am. I like to think I'm not given to wishful thinking.

 

I am aware of this situation and I feel it more useful to move back to Suzi's original thread before we get bogged down.

Thank You

Cindy