So I'm having a bit of a problem. 60-70% of me wants to transition ASAP, the other 30-40% of me says not now. As far as I can tell one of the main things that is holding me back is a disconnect in my self image. When I try to picture my ideal self alone, (e.g. sitting and watching TV) I see a woman. But when I think of myself doing romantic things, dating, courtship, spending time with a girlfriend I see myself as a man. Here's the kicker, while I think of myself as a man during romance, when I think about sex I see myself as a woman.

Because of this there's a little voice in the back of my head saying "Now that you know what's going on in your head you can find a good relationship and make it work as a male. However I think this is just a return of the whole "I need to try harder" mentality. On the one hand, I will most likely not start hormones until the fall, and I would like to have a relationship, but I wonder if it's a good idea to try before transitioning. Finding a woman who is OK with me transitioning and actually meaning it may be difficult. Furthermore since I'd feel obligated to tell her if things got serious, she might react badly and start outing me before I'm ready.

On the other hand I don't want to have any regrets, and having at least one good relationship would be nice before I change sides. I've spent most of my life looking for someone who could "fix" me, and because of this things tended to get weird. I've accepted that I don't get to have a normal life, so it would be nice to at least have an eventful one.

But on the gripping hand I'm not getting any younger. If I were 23 instead of 33 I would be willing to take the slow approach, but I'm worried about my age. I want biological children of my own one day, and assuming I stay attracted to women it is still possible if I don't wait too long.

Another quasi-related problem is that I'm a 33 year old successful professional who has mind melded with an 18 year old girl. I feel like I want to have my 20s back so I can go through them as the proper gender, however I worry that if I spend my 30s reliving my 20s I'll hit my 40s and find that life has passed me by, that I'm too old to have the adulthood that I want and I will have squandered my life. In other words I'm worried that it may take so long for my internal maturity to catch up to my physical maturity that I've spent my whole life just getting back to zero.

Has anyone been able to thread this needle? I can't just ignore the part of me that wants to wait anymore than I can ignore the part of me that wants to go forwards. Has anybody figured this sort of thing out?

I'd say watch a few movies to get mentally a picture of what you would like.




And you might be aware that quite a few transgender people have a change in orientation when on hrt ... so its well possible you come to like boys more ... it feels naturally to you then ...

so I'd say don't overthink ... try to get used to a few thoughts, and of an image of yourself as woman ... and enjoy 


hugs

Thank you for that web series, I hadn't heard about it before.

Quote from: Laura_7 on January 20, 2016, 12:43:19 PM
And you might be aware that quite a few transgender people have a change in orientation when on hrt ... so its well possible you come to like boys more ... it feels naturally to you then ...

I understand that, I think this works into the original title of my post. I feel like I really identified with Vi and Allie in that series, and I feel that I would probably lean towards women when finding a partner. However I also feel that once I'm post-op I would not be opposed to experimenting with guys. For me romance and sex seem to be disconnected.

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on January 20, 2016, 12:27:44 PMI don't get to have a normal life, so it would be nice to at least have an eventful one.

Oh, wow, be careful what you wish for!   

Transition is slow, glacially and (in some cases) blessedly slow. Especially the hormone bit, and hormones work in just the right way as a test of what you're doing. The mental changes start and can be assessed before the physical changes become noticeable or irreversible.

You say that you are torn, between waiting to see if this is right for you and between pressing forward. You shouldn't be torn, because you can do both. You can start the hormones, come out to select groups, live small gaps of your life as a woman in transition. You can try it on for fit, see if it feels right for you. Starting transition, any of the steps, is not a one and done choice. You get to assess it every day, see if it's something you want to keep doing.

The best way to answer a question is evidence. You've lived life pre-transition for a long time, and something about it isn't working for you. You'll get more evidence at this point, either way, by trying life in transition.