I'm going to whine here a bit if that's okay.

A few weeks ago everything seemed to be going really great for me. I was happier and had more hope for my future than I ever have before. For the first time in my life I loved waking up as me, or at least didn't hate it. I didn't go to bed every night hoping to not wake up. I was loving what I saw in the mirror, and the better I felt the better things went. Even to the point of being (?)gendered for the first time in December, which totally made my day/week/month/year/life.

Then I got really stressed out for a few weeks, still kind of am though it's not at the ridiculous levels it was for a while. It's more of a slow burn now. But whenever I get stressed I noticed my dysphoria increases, and the longer I stay stressed the worse it gets. And the worse I feel the less cheerful and open I am in my interactions with others, and I end up adopting many of the old defense mechanisms I used to keep myself isolated. And I hate being isolated now, even if it is "safer" from a "others can't hurt me if there are no others around" standpoint.

I can't stand seeing myself in the mirror or any other reflective surface at this point. I hate my body, I hate myself. I feel like things got as good as they're going to get and I'm going to be stuck in a body I hate, being a person I hate for the rest of my life. Like even though I'm on HRT I'll never escape that angry, despairing guy I once was. That I'm fated to be that person, that some things just can't be changed no matter how much we wish otherwise.

I try to convince myself it's just a rough time and things are getting better over time, that it's a gradual process. A marathon, not a sprint. But while I get that, I can't help but feel I started the race too late, or from too far away from the finish line or something. I don't know this metaphor's getting pretty stretched at this point.

I get that it's a sort of negative reinforcement cycle or whatever, and I've been fighting against it as hard as I can but...I've been fighting it for a minute now, and it gets worse every day.

Anyways...thanks for being here for me to vent, Susan's. I'd donate if I could.

I was feeling further and further down each day and having trouble just getting out of bed and functioning. I was diagnosed with dysthymia by my psychiatrist and put onto SSRI which has helped IMMENSELY function day to day even though I have dysphoria. It hasn't made the dysphoria go away, just restored my ability to function and get my head above water so I can deal with things.

What's stressing you out the most? Can you remove just that one stressor?

If you're on HRT what are your hormone levels at? Are they at the right levels to make you feel 'right'?

Do you have a good therapist who understands GD who you can talk to?

Take loving care of yourself
xx sami

Thanks for reaching out Hon.

How long have you been on HRT? The first 3-4 months are often a real struggle, after the initial euphoria many people can drop into a bit of a funk. Do talk to your therapist and do remember it does get better.

And of course keeping talking here.

Thanks for the replies you two, it means a lot.

I don't have any idea what my levels are at. The doc prescribing the hormones said they've changed how often they test for that stuff, which for me has been never. I had to demand to be tested before starting just so I knew where I was at before messing with my natural levels. I started about 4 months ago I guess, with a dosage increase around Christmas time.

And there aren't really any stressors I can get rid of.

My therapist is cool but doesn't always do much good, especially if I'm closed off because I'm in a bad place. A gender therapist might be good, but $$$.

My psych wanted to put me on SSRI's, but I've resisted for a few reasons.

I've typed several novels in this post box and then deleted them because self-critical/wall'o'text. So I'll just say good night. Thanks again for responding 

Hey

Did you get my message in Tapatalk? It has an error next to it so please let me know.

Everyone needs a bit different dosage of hormones. The only way to tell what's an effective level for you is by measuring blood levels (estrogens, androgens, progesterone, FSH, LH usually). If your GP or endocrinologist isn't testing for these I'd be asking how they know whether your levels are too low or too high? (The answer is they don't...)

If your therapist is skilled and they care about you, then the best thing you can do is be as open as possible. Perhaps aim to go a bit deeper with each session to ease yourself into it. If on the other hand you don't feel they're skilled or care about you, perhaps keep an eye out for someone else and switch once you've found someone.

I'm on SSRIs (in my case fluoxetine), which has helped me function again daily, generally keeping my head above water. A common misconception about SSRIs is they make you feel numb. I don't find this at all. My understanding is there are several types of SSRIs, and different people respond better to different types, so sometimes it takes a few shots to get it right. I still feel highs and lows, but on SSRIs I'm able to pull myself out of the ditch - without them I just stay in the ditch. SSRIs are a short-term solution for me until I have my own place and start seeing my endocrinologist.

SSRIs need to be administered skillfully and professionally, there are risks, and many drug interactions. If a doctor is flip about prescribing them I would start prompting them to understand the risks and interactions.

You can type novels! I don't think you'll find any judgement here

Let me know you got my message?

xx
sami

Quote from: SamKelley on January 25, 2016, 04:38:51 AM
Everyone needs a bit different dosage of hormones. The only way to tell what's an effective level for you is by measuring blood levels (estrogens, androgens, progesterone, FSH, LH usually). If your GP or endocrinologist isn't testing for these I'd be asking how they know whether your levels are too low or too high?

I personally disagree. Looking at levels won't reveal anything about how effective your HRT is for you. You are assuming from the get go that a certain level is desirable when really, we don't know and besides, sensitivity to levels varies, from one individual to another, from one week/one month to another. LH, FSH are just a gauge of how much sex hormones are in your body. The more there is of E, for instance or even P, the lower these numbers. They don't say anything about if enough is being had to produce adequate feminization, feel good, energetic, etc.

Levels also fluctuate from one moment to another so blood test results won't tell you what is going with levels in the larger picture. Anti-androgens also block androgens so part of what is measured is blocked and we don't know how much...if total estradiol and total testosterone are measured, part of that is inactive due to binding to SHBG. Progesterone will only be higher if one takes bio-identical progesterone, otherwise, very low.

The best way, in my opinion, to determine effectiveness is by looking at how your body reacts, its feminization and how you feel. These two markers will let you know if the doses you are taking,the HRT is doing what it's supposed to be doing. It's as simple as that.

How does that post help the OP, KayXo.

I feel you, IDontEven! There are times when it seems that everything is glacial and what you see in the mirror is heartbreaking. There are times when you think you're doing great. Stress doesn't always seem to be a factor. The best advice I can give is to try to remember what got you riding high and try to recreate that. When things are bad shake things up to see if that's better. It doesn't always work, but when it does, oh! Also, I find that when I'm down a bit myself I tend to get misgendered more. It's a vicious cycle!

Sometimes things just suck. Venting is cool. However, try not to keep yourself down.

Easy to say... I feel very much like what you described. The self questioning and hatred can really creep up on you. It amazes me how quickly and fully formed some of these negative beasties are when they show up.

Stay the course. Try to find positive things in the small unexpected places. I keep trying to find love in the world around me, hoping it will find it's way back to me. I am not so successful at this but lets keep trying?

With warmth, extending a hand.

Joanna

Thank you all for your kind responses, they really do mean a lot to me. Things have been getting slightly better over the last day or maybe two, I'm hoping to turn it back into a winning streak

Some things in my life are still rather precarious so this may be just a small moment where I can come up for air before being dragged back down, but I certainly feel less darkness than I had been when I made that post. And that's in large part due to all of you and your kind words of empathy and support.

I hope someone's that kind to you the next time you need it. I've tried to be there for people on these forums but sometimes this place feels like one giant trigger. Reading people's posts, like mine, that are so full of darkness and negativity can throw some shade on even the brightest day. So to all of you who waded through my bit of despair to say something nice to me, thank you. You're an angel 

Be well.

Thank you, I'll admit that sometimes posts here seem like a trigger for me, too. When that happens I avoid them. When I'm stronger I respond. Luckily there are thousands of us active here and it's rare that someone isn't ready with advice and a kind word. That and the chance to be that person myself are the reasons I'm here and probably always will be. It's will always be one of my ways, given that I'm so poor just now, of giving back.