Up until late last week I was feeling really good about myself with little steps I was taking and things I've been doing to make myself more comfortable and find who I am. Then randomly I felt myself "flip" back into male mode, (consciously for the first time, but not in a way that I could control.)Ever since then I've been trying to ease myself back into femme mode or somewhere more in between because I didn't want to get back into the state I was in a few months ago where I was bouncing back and forth as to "what I am" and "where I stand" and was constantly either angry or depressed.

So even though I wasn't feeling full femme I took it upon myself to paint my nails this weekend anyways. It did make me feel a little better and they came out looking great. A nice shade of blue that matches really well with my eyes and is one of my favorite colors. I loved em and didn't want to take it off at all. Well yesterday I had plans to go watch the football game with my girlfriend over at my buddies place. We got up a little late and made breakfast and I showered and everything and by the time I was done we pretty much had to leave and I had no time to clean off my nails. I struggled for a second as to whether I should take the extra 10 mins to do it but my gf reassured me that it would be fine, that no one would say anything to me or care so I said screw it and just went. It was just my friend and his buddy. My friend definitely at least noticed but like she said he didn't say anything and I was pretty much fine while we were there and everything.

Afterwards I can't help but still be self conscious about it and wonder what was running through his head or how much he noticed or cared. With all this in mind I still didn't even want to clean them off for work this morning but I did because I'm just not ready to completely throw all my cares aside of how others at work will react to this sort of thing, and the rumors or whispers that could go on behind my back.

On top of this, I slept very restlessly last night, especially after having a dream that my mother told my sister I was trans, even though I haven't come out to either of them yet. It was fine and they were just asking me what my plans were in the dream, but when I asked my mom where she found out I woke up before she could tell me.

The anxiety and dysphoria has just come back really strong, all of a sudden it seems, and I am feeling really self conscious and unsure about everything. It's really hitting me hard today. I am SO thankfully that I have my therapy appt tonight. Hopefully I can sort out some of these things, but in this moment I feel just as lost as I ever was.

I suppose this was mostly just a vent, but any advice or opinions as to how I can get back to that happy more carefree state I've been in the last few weeks are welcomed!


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Hi,

I think we have all done something similar.  It's good that your appointment is tonight, it's good that your girlfriend is there, supporting you. 

Dysphoria just plain sucks.  It comes, and it goes and then it comes like a ton of bricks.  For me, a person who resisted, it just kept coming more often and more often and then stronger.  Until it never left, it was always there. Dealing with it now is a good thing.

Hugs,

Jen

When we diminish our need to express this part of ourselves, we revert to experiencing some of our former internalized transphobia. Great job recognizing this, and continuing to do something that makes you happy!

Thanks Autumn and Jen. Yesterday was just one of those days but my appt last night gave me some perspective on the progress I've made in the face of this fear and doubt that creeps in. And I was beginning to again allow my fear of the judgment of others to dictate how I feel or what I want. I feel refreshed today, and ready to continue doing what I need to do to just be myself! Thank you for the support! It is truly great to have Susan's place here when you're hurting, and to help those that are hurting in return! The pay it forward aspect of life is strong here [emoji74][emoji51][emoji4]


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Yes , Susan's is that wonderful oasis in the desert of time. You wander aimlessly and all of a sunden you come upon a place where their are a lot of people like yourself where you never ever thought there was anyone else.

Too true Stephanie!


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Quote from: Rp1713 on January 25, 2016, 01:06:51 PM
Up until late last week I was feeling really good about myself with little steps I was taking and things I've been doing to make myself more comfortable and find who I am. Then randomly I felt myself "flip" back into male mode, (consciously for the first time, but not in a way that I could control.)Ever since then I've been trying to ease myself back into femme mode or somewhere more in between because I didn't want to get back into the state I was in a few months ago where I was bouncing back and forth as to "what I am" and "where I stand" and was constantly either angry or depressed.

So even though I wasn't feeling full femme I took it upon myself to paint my nails this weekend anyways. It did make me feel a little better and they came out looking great. A nice shade of blue that matches really well with my eyes and is one of my favorite colors. I loved em and didn't want to take it off at all. Well yesterday I had plans to go watch the football game with my girlfriend over at my buddies place. We got up a little late and made breakfast and I showered and everything and by the time I was done we pretty much had to leave and I had no time to clean off my nails. I struggled for a second as to whether I should take the extra 10 mins to do it but my gf reassured me that it would be fine, that no one would say anything to me or care so I said screw it and just went. It was just my friend and his buddy. My friend definitely at least noticed but like she said he didn't say anything and I was pretty much fine while we were there and everything.

Afterwards I can't help but still be self conscious about it and wonder what was running through his head or how much he noticed or cared. With all this in mind I still didn't even want to clean them off for work this morning but I did because I'm just not ready to completely throw all my cares aside of how others at work will react to this sort of thing, and the rumors or whispers that could go on behind my back.

On top of this, I slept very restlessly last night, especially after having a dream that my mother told my sister I was trans, even though I haven't come out to either of them yet. It was fine and they were just asking me what my plans were in the dream, but when I asked my mom where she found out I woke up before she could tell me.

The anxiety and dysphoria has just come back really strong, all of a sudden it seems, and I am feeling really self conscious and unsure about everything. It's really hitting me hard today. I am SO thankfully that I have my therapy appt tonight. Hopefully I can sort out some of these things, but in this moment I feel just as lost as I ever was.

I suppose this was mostly just a vent, but any advice or opinions as to how I can get back to that happy more carefree state I've been in the last few weeks are welcomed!


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I get like this too. Like a nagging, worrisome feeling tapping your back and it like, doesn't ever want to let up!

Best way for me to deal with it is to deal with it, ignore it, stay occupied and if necessary, I take medicine to help control the damaging thoughts from both dysphoria and bipolar-depression. I think you were right to paint your nails the way you did. Especially because you said it made you feel much better, right? Keep that up, then, and don't let anyone or anything get in your way!

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 26, 2016, 12:17:17 PM
I get like this too. Like a nagging, worrisome feeling tapping your back and it like, doesn't ever want to let up!

Best way for me to deal with it is to deal with it, ignore it, stay occupied and if necessary, I take medicine to help control the damaging thoughts from both dysphoria and bipolar-depression. I think you were right to paint your nails the way you did. Especially because you said it made you feel much better, right? Keep that up, then, and don't let anyone or anything get in your way!

Isn't it the most annoying feeling? But you're right, I need to just deal with it however necessary in the moment. and you're right about the nails too! It did made me feel better and I must keep pushing forward like this to get through the bad days to keep the good ones coming!


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