Hi everyone! I've been hanging around here for a while, but I felt that now's a good time to create an account and post something. I hope I'm posting at the right place.

So what I'd like to talk about is starting transitioning. I'm an 18 year old who discovered his true gender identity about a year ago and I was too scared to get treatment or even tell anyone about it. The situation hasn't really changed but I'd like to get treatment as soon as possible, and that would lead to me transitioning at an inconvenient time. I'm graduating from upper secondary school this spring and I should try to enter a university after that, but I'm not sure how well I can handle transitioning so openly (I think most of the school would end up knowing about me being transgender). It would be convenient if I could simply have a gap year or two and then start anew after transitioning, but I can't really afford doing that without working a lot.

I'd like to hear your experiences: If you transitioned while studying, did it get noticed by a lot of people? Could waiting for a better timing really work, or will there always be new stuff getting in the way? Can something like a 'perfect time to transition' exist?

Ask anyone here and the most oft heard answer is, the sooner the better.  I am involved with higher education and consider most campuses to be progressive places often with their own LGBT groups, diversity committees and more.

Welcome to Susan's Place

Quote from: swamp on January 05, 2016, 07:01:46 PM
Hi everyone! I've been hanging around here for a while, but I felt that now's a good time to create an account and post something. I hope I'm posting at the right place.

So what I'd like to talk about is starting transitioning. I'm an 18 year old who discovered his true gender identity about a year ago and I was too scared to get treatment or even tell anyone about it. The situation hasn't really changed but I'd like to get treatment as soon as possible, and that would lead to me transitioning at an inconvenient time. I'm graduating from upper secondary school this spring and I should try to enter a university after that, but I'm not sure how well I can handle transitioning so openly (I think most of the school would end up knowing about me being transgender). It would be convenient if I could simply have a gap year or two and then start anew after transitioning, but I can't really afford doing that without working a lot.

I'd like to hear your experiences: If you transitioned while studying, did it get noticed by a lot of people? Could waiting for a better timing really work, or will there always be new stuff getting in the way? Can something like a 'perfect time to transition' exist?

Nope, there's never a perfect time!

You might want to go ahead and go to the university and proceed with the transition as a student.  I know it's a lot of change all at once.  But honestly, I think you'll find it easier transitioning in school than in "the real world."  Universities have lots of educated, open-minded people.  There will be some kind of LGBT group on campus.  You'll have access to some health and counseling resources.  And there's a long history of folks experimenting with new things and "finding themselves" in college life.

If you make the jump during your university years, you may have most of the transition out of the way and be ready to start your career in the new gender, with your degree in your new name and all of your documents squared away.  Details like that are really burdensome if you wait until later and try to deal with it while you're already working in your career.

Whatever you decide, we wish you every success!

Thank you for your replies! I understand that since transitioning takes a long time it's impossible for me to do secretly, and waiting around would not change that fact. Taking this into consideration it'd be better to start as soon as possible, so once I figure out how I can start transitioning in my country I'll try to do something about it.

Personally I felt the best time to do it was as soon as possible because of the whisperings of the socialized health care system beginning to fall apart in my country, and that's the only option I can afford. I might even be too late if there's some massive economic depression on the horizon. It's already been a year since I was medically referred and nothing's been 'done' for me yet.

Depends on the route you're going who you will be depending on to give you hormones and/or surgery etc. but most people will tell you the wait is long enough as it is, so I would get on it asap.

Excellent question. 

In general, the younger the better.  However, evaluate the school you would be attending and the environment or support for transgendered individuals.  It may be better to transition and work, depending on the environment in the s hool. 

Also, transition can be expensive.  How are you going to cover this cost if you are in school?

Then, how hard would it be to wait?

Best thing to do is to start right now with a psychologist.  Also, keep posting and reading.

Hugs

Jen

Thanks for the new replies!

I think that transitioning is covered by tax money in my country, so that shouldn't be much of a problem. All the transgender diagnosing and most of the treatment stuff is available in only two cities though, so there would be a lot of traveling expenses (I'd have to use the train, and it costs a ridiculous amount).

I had originally planned to wait for a more convenient time to start transitioning, and that would have been possible since I don't experience severe dysphoria. However, I doubt such a great situation will ever come, and transitioning is going to take a long time too. If I gather enough courage by then, I'll try to visit a doctor within a few weeks to get things started.

Sooner is generally better but the only person who can answer your specific situation is you.

Are there family issues? Would they improve over time or just stay the same? How is your financial situation? How will transition impact that?

The general ground rule is "sooner" and even medical professionals will tell you this, but the specifics per case are always unique and have to account for your own circumstances.

I actually visited a local health center today and reserved a time to meet a doctor early next month. Something unexpected happened too: after leaving the health center, I've been feeling strong dysphoria for the whole day  . I was not prepared for this, since I've never experienced it very strongly before.

Since I'm not out to anyone yet, I hadn't truly realized how scary the thought of starting to present as male and not passing is to me. That made me feel like it'd be better not to come out or start transitioning yet, since I think I can manage as I currently am. I'd probably have to cut ties with most of my relatives when I come out too, and that is the very reason why I haven't dared to do it yet.

I'd really like to transition as soon as possible, but now after feeling dysphoria "properly" for the first time it feels a lot harder. If the doctor gives me a referral to the diagnosing place, I hope I'm able to figure out more things there.

Hi,

When I transitioned, I kept my wife.  One sister is supportive, another doesn't care and one won't talk with me.  Both parents are dead but my mother would have supported me.  She supported cross dressing so that is an indication.  No friends cut ties.  However, I don't see many of them as much as my interests have changed somewhat. However, I have grown closer to several as well.  My job is still stable. 

I have ran into a couple people who just find me disgusting.  There is an inner revulsion that they have.  As I felt the same about them prior to my transition, it's not a big issue.  They are just odd.

Most people don't care: some are supportive and some are not.

I think you are feeling anxiety about the possibility of transition.  I had that as well.  It's hard.  However, the fear is most often worse than the reality.  Only by actually doing it will you know.

Hugs,

Jen     

There's no such thing as a perfect time, but I believe from my own experiences that the sooner, the better is true. I kept thinking that when I got older and had more money and less issues with bullies that it would be easier. Well what I found out is that there are always bullies, no matter how old you get. Also the more money I have, the more financial responsibility I have, and therefore the less money I have available for a transition.

The longer you go before transitioning, the longer the list of people you need to come out to gets too. It won't be just your family and current friends. It will also include new friends, coworkers, bosses. Let's not forget all the bills you'll wrack up. For instance medical offices,  rent/mortgage, utility companies, insurance, credit cards, car payments, driver's license, discount cards for stores, banks, your company. That's a lot of people to need to come out to, not to mention having to contact your school after you graduate to get them to update your name so you can prove you have a degree. It would have been so much easier in my opinion, if I had done it in college so I started life in the real world having already transitioned. At 18, you also haven't hit the full effects of T yet, so you still have a chance to beat some of it out.

You also start to form opinions about how the news will be received. My opinions were all wrong. Everybody in my family that I thought would be accepting, walked out of my life the day I told them. The few I thought would have a problem with it, are still in my life. I honestly didn't know how my friends would take the news and every single one of them not only still talks to me, but they still go out into public with me too. But I spent far too many years dwelling on my incorrect expectations. All that could have been cleared up decades ago.

FTM from the UK here, I was in a similar situation when I was the same age.

There is never a right time to transition. Throughout your life there will always be something that you can use as a delay- when one issue disappears, another can easily appear in its place.

I wanted to start my transition before I enrolled at college, but in the end my fears got the better of me. On top of being much older than the rest of the students, I felt that I would become an easy target. I was training in a very female dominated industry, and ended up in an entire class of thirty females.

I cant describe how terrible it was having to get ready every morning, putting on the female uniform and slipping into this lie that just wasn't me. When I got home I couldn't wait to take it off, wipe off my make up and go back to being me.

Those two years were a complete misery for me. I regretted my decision to wait every single day, and once I got my qualifications and left I knew that I wasn't going to make excuses any more.

After my last day I changed my name and then went looking for work.

I felt free!

Sometimes it wasn't easy, but it was rewarding in the end.

I cant tell you what to do, but I can tell you about my experience. I wish I had made the change sooner rather than later.

Thanks for the new replies! Listening to other people's experiences has helped me with thinking things through.

I'm still planning on getting diagnosed as soon as possible, but for now I think I'm not going to let that disrupt my studies. I've still got lots of insecurities with this timing to start transitioning, but I'll have to manage. The fact that two of my friends are going to study the same thing at the same university with me may help me feel a bit more at ease (if they are accepting).

I also had a nice experience when I went out yesterday presenting as a male. Sure, I wear men's clothes almost every day, but it felt different now, since I also acted differently. I was feeling so happy that I didn't really care whether I passed or not.

I'm planning on coming out to my friends and family next month (and cutting ties with some relatives). Hopefully I'll figure out what I want to say to them by then.

Physically speaking, the best time to transition is at the earliest.

With that being said, I transitioned when I could no longer live a lie and continue to deny who I was inside any more. Since that time, I live as I am and have never looked back.

Some people genuinely accepted me but a lot of others whom I thought were good friends left like they owed me money or something. Trans isn't contagious but in the long run, it's their loss, not mine.

The decision is yours, sorry I can't be of more help but there's lots of support on here no matter which way or when you choose.

Love,
Clare

I have and am transitioning at my school and everyone knows, and us totally fine with it. People will know about it and that is fine! You can't keep something like this a secret and it's been a successful policy of mine to be as open as possible to anyone. Just saying what's worked for me.


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I would echo what others have stated: very very interesting question. Lemme give my two cents on this one:

- The sooner the better: This applies mainly in two aspects.

First one is the physical dimension. The sooner you start the better the outcome is. HRT would do better in younger people. Less feminizing surgeries would be needed, and those surgeries performed would bring nicer results. For example, FFS would have more feminine outcomes when the starting point is more feminine. Healing would be easier  and better for younger people too.

Second one is the time dimension. As you said, transition is a long proccess, so the most things you have done, the less you would need to worry about to do in the future.

- The right environment: There's no absolutely perfect environment. You may find more accepting circles, but also you may find unaccepting people everywhere. So here you have to consider how good is your actual environment and if you're likely to be in a much better place somewhere in the future. Also you need to consider if difficulties in your actual environment can outweigh advantages of starting sooner.

- Disrupting your performance: To me, if transition is disrupting your performance, the problem may lie in "the right way to transition" rather than in "the right time to transition". Dysphoria may disrupt your performance too, so I think it's wise to consider first how is the right way to transition for you before considering not transitioning or postponing.

- The right way to transition: Plenty of things can be done without public disclosing. Seeing a therapist and getting diagnosed, starting HRT, growing your hair, facial/body hair removal, learning about makeup/fashion/stylism, training your voice... even going for some surgeries like FFS or adam's apple shaving. Lots of things can be done without disclosing and even without drawing much attention to you. This is mainly about keeping a low profile.

Quote from: JLT1 on January 06, 2016, 09:37:15 AM
In general, the younger the better.  However, evaluate the school you would be attending and the environment or support for transgendered individuals.

Yes, openly transitioning at, say, Bob Jones University might be a bad idea.

As another person in this thread has said, there are a lot of things you can do without coming out to everyone.  The sooner you start on HRT, the better, to avoid the irreversible effects of the wrong hormones.  (And HRT isn't generally the most expensive part of transitioning.)  Most of the rest of the stuff can be done at your convenience.

Any suggestions about what I should do with my name when school starts this autumn? It would take about a year from now until I can start taking testosterone (sorry about having been a bit unclear about it earlier, I'm AFAB), and I'm probably not going to be able to pass before that. Should I inform the school about my preferred name when/if I get accepted into the university, or maybe once I start passing better? I'd avoid the trouble of having to inform the school if I managed to change my name legally before school starts, but that seems quite unlikely to me.

I would respectfully suggest you start your classes with every one of your faculty and admin. folks on board with your preferred name, pronouns and gender identity.  It is often the change that throws people.  You have a great opportunity to go in as just who you are and start clean and fresh. (not a laundry commercial;)  Passing is subjective and may never be perfect for some of us.  If you are in the US and your school gets any federal funds they are required to actively prevent discrimination.