I don't really know what to write. To be honest, I'm not sure I really believe in forums like this, and normally when I read them it only causes me to be depressed, so I stop. I'm not sure I really believe they help, I'm not sure I believe they empower people, and to be honest I feel quite uncomfortable here.
I mean, I'm sure you're all lovely people. I suppose I'm talking about other forums when I say this. Mostly, what I see is nothing I can relate to. There are people younger than me (I'm 18), already getting on with things, coming out, and developing an identity. There are older people who feel empowered and liberated, and there's everyone else who generally gives unconditional support.
And it doesn't help that I'm still not convinced of the legitimacy of the entire condition. Just because lots of people think something, doesn't make it so. In the back of my mind when I see forums for Transsexuals, I'm reminded (to my disgust) of those forums encouraging anorexics and supporting them. I know the comparison isn't valid, but in a dark part of my mind I can't help shake that it could simply be a huge delusion, something that might not be healthy for me. And then I just feel lost. There are forums where people post pictures, and everyone instantly responds with extremely flattering comments; as if the poster is six seconds from suicide if they hear anything negative. It doesn't seem truthful, because - honestly, unless you're particularly lucky or in the later stages of transition, people generally don't look attractive at all. And every time I see this happen, a little part of me screams that everyone must be crazy.
Or I see the enormous view-count, and wonder how many of those are fetish-masturbators who get turned on with an accompanying story to match their visual kink. Unregistered, of course, but lurking and enjoying. And that really makes me sick. Saying transsexuals are objectified doesn't quite cut it - we're the absolute, bar none, lowest of the low in terms of jokes and culture. In nearly every sitcom I've seen jokes about girls "turning out to be men!" and other references towards transsexuals are normally always as kinky or deluded. And this isn't even just fiction - there was a support site with articles from a transsexual, which I read, but the stereotype of the kinky transsexual was ultimately proven in her biography (living in a group marriage which is currently welcoming new partners). I felt like maybe it was all true.
And the public health websites don't make me feel any better. I look at them, and between the lines I read: "We swear it's not just Monty Python and adverts which like to be funny; you're real people too, in case you weren't sure. Here, look at these people. They're just like you. Don't you feel better?"
And then just below:
"Oh, the first thing you should know is this is totally normal and others feel the same way. If you've come here because someone you know has expressed these feelings, here are a number of links to help you deal with this emotional boatload. Remember, we're against suicide. "
And science isn't even on my side. Gender Identity Disorder is still a mental illness on the DSM, which is actually what put me off doing Psychology as a degree. Oh sure, write letters and complain and maybe they'll change it, but that doesn't mean we've supplied any scientific evidence - they're just caving to political pressure, not changes in understanding. It doesn't accomplish anything. There's no scientific test you can take to prove you're a transsexual - only answer a few standardised questions - the perfect answers to which, I'm sure someone must have posted on a support forum. So there we go.
I can't do anything. This has totally frozen me psychologically; I can't take myself seriously because I can't take what I'm going through seriously. Well, I know it's serious, but that doesn't mean it makes any sense. It's literally a black patch on my brain which is starting to effect everything else, and I know I'm getting worse and I don't know what to do. And I hear that half of all untransitioned transsexuals are dead before the age of thirty, normally by their own hand - I think it was called the 50% rule? So that's just fantastic, isn't it? If that statistic is true, then everyone with this condition must be one of the most probable groups for suicide on the planet. That's the type of thinking I really don't need.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant. And I don't mean any offence to anyone, but if I wasn't honest there would be no point in me signing up. This isn't a positive thing for me, this is something which drains the life from me every day and makes me feel so lost and miserable that I would sign up for a lobotomy if I was offered it. I'm sorry again, I needed to say this.
