Hello all,
Here is my introduction.
A few months ago I began to see cracks in my reality that hinted I may have some deep soul searching to do. I've been uncomfortable in my body my whole life, but have lived a gender-normal life for the most part. I'm married with a daughter and another on the way. The only inkling I had that I was different was that I began reading transgender fiction/erotica/captions/comics in college and continued to read it throughout my life. I felt shame about it but over time chalked it up to a kink. I even considered writing some myself or doing captions.
Fast-forward to 6 months ago. It began with crossdressing, something I'd never done my entire life that I can recall. I decided on a whim to try on some things, and I frankly enjoyed it way more than I thought I would. I was excited by the feeling and tantalized by my image in the mirror, but the reflection wasn't satisfying though. The silhouette was wholly wrong, and I was upset about it, it looked wrong. I went on a diet (25lbs lost so far yay!), bought breast forms, padded hip/butt pads, and began working out to improve my thigh, butt, and hips. I started dressing en femme regularly at home, practiced makeup, tried out foundation (I hate my beard shadow), grew my nails out a bit, painted them red then pink, tried artificial nails, got a pedicure with pretty red toes, pierced my right ear (left was already pierced from my teen years).
About two months later I told my wife that I had started to crossdress and did so in front of her. She was supportive, but obviously was shocked at first. We've slowly taken steps since then. I've gone out in public as Gia, the female name I've taken for now, with my wife to get a pedicure. We've shopped for clothes together (not en femme though). I now wear women's undergarments (including a cami or sometimes a bra) almost daily under my boy clothes. I change into girl clothes when I get home. She's commented that she can tell it makes me more comfortable and relaxed when I dress, not sure what that means.
Still my body doesn't fit the image in my minds eye. I went online to find more information about feminizing my body, looked at breast growth pills, herbal stuff, but to be honest I doubted any of them would work. I stumbled on some of the transgender sub->-bleeped-<-s and spent several days plumbing the depths for information, experiences, and stories about those that are transgender. Now looking back, if I had all the information I have now I may have hit this point 10 years ago or more.
As this has been going on I've been exploring my feelings, and trying to understand more about the changes and what is going to happen. At first I didn't think I was transgender, just a crossdresser maybe. Now though, as I read more about it I begin questioning the validity of that stance. There are too many signs point to it maybe being more.. when I crossdress I'm never happy with how I look in the mirror. I want to lose weight, have a thiner waist, shaplier butt, get better more convincing breast forms, maybe grow my own breasts.. So you see where this is going.
I began to question my gender, and knew it was time to talk to someone about it so I setup my first gender therapist session last Thursday. It was difficult talking about things that I've never uttered a word about to anyone else in my life, there were tears, and I rarely cry. We ended the session and planned another session this coming Thursday. I don't know what's going to happen, and don't know for sure if I'm transgender, but part of me at least thinks I am. All I really know is that I've been different somehow, and that I've been changing slowly over the last few months and continue to. It feels like I maybe seeing a light ahead, but there is still lots of uncertainty, shame, fear and anxiety.
I often wonder if maybe I did this to myself somehow, did my sexual preoccupation change me somehow.. I suppose this is a chicken or the egg thought experiment though, with no real answer. I've often seen the thought experiment of "If there were a button you can press and magically change your gender, with no complications or changes to the rest of your life would you". Yes, I would smash that button home and become a female, but that isn't reality.
I feel like I need more answers still, to try to help me figure this out, but I'm also afraid where this is going.. It's a surreal experience.
At this point I'm fairly certain that I'm transgender, but I need to figure out how far this will lead me.. If I let my euphoria/dysphoria run wild, I'd probably want to be on HRT tomorrow. But I've been a male for 40+ years, so there is a ton of issues mentally and socially I need to consider.
Anyways, I wanted to introduce myself. Sorry it's long but there it is.
Cheers,
-Gia
