So earlier today, before deciding again, that I want to stop dialysis forever until I die, I text my therapist that I've had enough therapy. What really upsets me about this is how nonchalant he seemed about it. As if I would just come crawling back to him in no time soon enough.

Another thing that upsets me is how he is almost impossible to reach by either text, email and by phone. In other words, he is never there when I need him most...ever!

I understand wholesomely, that he sees other clients besides me, ok? But he never returns these things after weeks of sending them! Like, what the hell?!

You know, even though he never charged me a cent for his services it sure as heck seemed one-sided enough.

And even though our sessions were supposed to be more geared towards gender-related junk, I wanted him to help me explore whatever sexuality I have left in me. But that never happened and probably never will. I want to not feel like a freak for wanting to take on the gender roles of a heterosexual man, not a butch lesbian, you know? Like my cis brothers. I hate them so much because they can be with their wives and not get chewed out for it the way I would for being with a woman in a heterosexual way.

Anyway, I got what I really wanted; the letter of recommendation for HRT. The issue here though is that I keep pushing the date back to see my endocrinologist. Why? Cause his office is a pain and they are lazy and do not answer my phone calls during business hours all the time like they should. And get this? My therapist recommends them. Utter disappointment is all I have to say. I mean, I at least was able to get the letter. But honestly, what is the point of therapy anyway? Just to sit down and waste some one else's precious time to talk about your problems with them, who'd rather be doing something else if they could.

Sorry for being a huge bump on a log, but I tend to get this way when I've had enough....

I kind of wish I could stop therapy cold turkey, but I have genuine issues to work out that truly bedevil me. And yet I sometimes think that if I WEREN'T in therapy, all of this unpleasant crap wouldn't always be on my mind the way it is now. Maybe I'm dredging it up only because I am in therapy. In addition, I'm less and less fond of my therapist; I used to be crazy about him.

It's quite a dilemma, so I've decided to start tapering. I'm going to skip an appointment a month for a couple of months and see how it goes. If it goes well, I'll see about every other week.

But you seem to be in a completely different place. Honestly, if you don't need therapy, why continue? But if you want the support, can you find someone else, or is this guy the only one you can see?

I wasn't a huge fan of therapy because I felt like I didn't need it. I had known I was trans for almost a decade prior to coming out, and I wasn't confused about anything. I was living independently in a stable environment. I had a supportive social circle and the resources and means to transition. Thankfully, every mental health professional (with 1 exception who I fired) who I saw throughout my process was extremely professional and gave me referrals with the bare minimum number of appointments needed. I had nothing else to process or that I needed help with - I just needed my letters so that insurance would pay for my surgery.

It sounds like you do need someone to help you process things though, based on this and other posts. Obviously you're going through a lot. Perhaps this therapist just wasn't a good fit for you. Now that you've got your letter, I'd consider finding someone else to speak to about your issues with your family, sexuality, etc.

And if you've found an endo who is willing to do HRT, I wouldn't quit them so easily. Unless you've been able to find another option that is.

I think the thing to focus on is that you got your HRT letter. That's a win, right?

Hey, I think I remember from my long time visiting here that you were in the Jax area? I think you said you saw Dr. Matt Borer? I've also been seeing him since late last summer. So far he's been great for me. But I do know of the frustration of trying to contact him. I originally only contacted him through email to set up and confirm appointments and whatnot, but sometimes it would take him a while to respond. I eventually just went ahead and started texting him because the email thing was getting annoying and he usually responds within a day. Have you brought any of your frustration up with him? It might be a good idea, because he's been generally good to me.

I imagine he recommended Jacksonville Center for Reproductive Medicine/Endocrinology? I actually just had my first appointment with Dr. Fox last week at their Fleming Island office. I was generally surprised that he gave me scripts for spiro and norethindrone on the first meeting (I guess it did help I had some blood tests done in October already; just waiting on more lab results and my E injections now). Anyways, so far they've been helpful and responsive to me.

It just seems really odd to me how wildly different our experiences have been so far.