My name is Crystal.  I'm a 30 year old married mother of 3  I'll try to keep this short as possible.

So ever since I was a small child I have felt that I was supposed to be born a boy. I have also known that it is "wrong to feel this way" since I was small.  I dressed and acted like a boy still I just never told people that I felt like a boy on the inside. People just assumed I was a tomboy and so did I I guess.

Fast forward to puberty years. Around this time I had accepted that I will never be a boy so I tried the whole teenage girl thing (makeup, dresses, purses...etc.) and I absolutely hated it. It was just all wrong for me.  Instead I just started dressing gender neutral and have been ever since. In secret I would cross dress and imagine myself as a boy.

So in high school I got pregnant and married my husband.  This is the time that I started suppressing the voice in the back of my head. Untill a few years later when I saw a documentary about transgender people on tv. I related so much but like a lot of uneducated people I thought gender and sexual preference went hand In hand and since I was into men I couldn't possibly be transgender.  So I continued ignoring the voice in me.

I've never followed the traditional gender role. I've always worked except when I was pregnant and for a few months after having my children.  My husband was a stay at home dad for a while. Currently I'm a truck driver and I go to school at night to be an industrial electrician.

About 2 weeks ago I acciedently came across the transgender community and was amazed by what I found. So many things became clear and I started understanding myself more. The  more I research the more I think I want to come out to my husband and discuss me trying Hormone therapy sometime down the road after we've both had time to fully research and process everything.

The problem is I'm terrified of losing him  I love him so much and can't bear the though of losing him or hurting him, so I'll probably just keep my little secret forever.

I really just needed to get things off my chest. This is the first time I've ever told anyone how I feel and it is a relief. So anyone who reads this thanks for listening.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I sugest you not keep your secret but instead consider options that both you and your husband can live with. We have members who live in the male role without T and have found their comfort zone. What you will decide will take time and you should consider seeing a gender therapist to explore your options. Transgender isn't just the binary(male/female) but has many shades in between so it may be possible to have it all.

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Thanks for the input. I will get all of the links read.

I do know that transgender is a broad spectrum and I honestly have no idea where I fit in it. All I know is that I have never felt feminine or had a desire to.  While I don't exactly hate my female body, I've always desired a more masculine body.

I convinced myself a long time ago that this isn't possible so I've just been living life the best I can. I kind of wish I could go back to being ignorant because now the voice that I suppressed so long ago is in the front of my mind and won't shutup lol.

I know I will figure things out one step at a time at my own pace.

Hi Crystal, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston. We see a lot of relationships suffer from feelings of betrayal and "things being hidden" from the partner. I know this wouldn't be an easy thing to do, but if you showed your husband the introduction you just made here, and told him this is what's going on and you wanted him in from the beginning it might be helpful. You're going to have to face it someday anyway. I hope this helps.  See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Crystal 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M