What would a compelling future, apart from your wife, look like for you?

Quote from: autumn08 on January 31, 2016, 07:02:11 AM
What would a compelling future, apart from your wife, look like for you?

Well not being trans is impossible. That would have definitely been compelling.

well if I don't end it in the end when the pain starts to out weigh my reason to life. Well a compelling future will be one where I don't hurt anymore really, I think if I can get over her if ever I will be happier. If I choose door 1 I will want to be a happy tg woman that want to be a great parent and find someone that accepts me for who I am I will also want to start a new family with me as the woman in the relationship. That means I will obviously look for a man to make my husband.I would not be able to have kids so would adopt one. Passing is very important too me. I don't want to embarrass my child or a partner with not looking like a woman and it will only make finding one easier.

This is a future without my wife. One that I can conjure up but I already am in tears just thinking of this.

Well door two I don't know if this will work without my marriage. Maybe I will end up at door three then if I take this option or eventually again at one.

I'm sorry it is agonizing to ponder, but I think the future you described is your best hope, and to move towards it is the only way to alleviate your pain. A point exists though, where you again will want to live with every inch you, so please give yourself a chance.

Quote from: autumn08 on January 31, 2016, 07:48:58 AM
I'm sorry it is agonizing to ponder, but I think the future you described is your best hope, and to move towards it is the only way to alleviate your pain. A point exists though, where you again will want to live with every inch you, so please give yourself a chance.

Well my therapist told me the same she told me I must give Amoray a chance and if I am still not happy she will assist me in assisted voluntary suicide which is legal in South Africa now apparently. She told me I will never be happy in the marriage that I had because it is to broken and there was too much hurt. Also that I will never be truly happy until I am not my authentic self. Well I don't know being Amoray is nice in a way but starting all over again after what I had is heart wrenching.

When you think about you had, make a habit of instead thinking about what you can have.

I know much of what I am saying is trite, but maybe the more you are heard and receive the same response, the more conviction you will gain.

Good luck! 

Quote from: autumn08 on January 31, 2016, 08:28:44 AM
When you think about you had, make a habit of instead thinking about what you can have.

I know much of what I am saying is trite, but maybe the more you are heard and receive the same response, the more conviction you will gain.

Good luck! 

Thank you I will try that for a change. It is a really hard thing to do but maybe it is the only way forward.

okay I had the strangest thing now I looked at myself in photos and the person in them doesn't feel like me. It feels unreal that I looked like that and how I look now and especially how I look in as female.

It makes me feel bad because I did not realise I changed that much I feminized that much already I don't know how I feminized but my features definitely softened.

No wonder my wife is not attracted to me anymore also and said I changed

Quote from: Amoré on January 31, 2016, 12:22:32 PM
okay I had the strangest thing now I looked at myself in photos and the person in them doesn't feel like me. It feels unreal that I looked like that and how I look now and especially how I look in as female.

It makes me feel bad because I did not realise I changed that much I feminized that much already I don't know how I feminized but my features definitely softened.

No wonder my wife is not attracted to me anymore also and said I changed

Hi Amoré:

Reading this thread today, I wonder what the last sentence of the post about might have sounded like had you written it from the POV Autumn08 suggested most recently.  I'd really love to hear that, as I'm pretty sure it's a beautiful recognition/hopeful/exciting view of who Amoré has become and opens an equally beautiful look into her future. 

Give looking out that window a try . . . you've got everything to gain and almost nothing to lose, except possibly the remnants of a past that was toxic and can never be had again.  However, the past can poison the future unless you let go of it.

Offered with love and hope my dear,

Rachel

I'm sorry your going through so much pain, but to be honest you had 10 years of what you believed was love and you created a child

I've read several times that in THE top stressors in a persons life are:
a) Marriage / Divorce
b) Loosing your job / Looking for work
c) Moving

And you have all three at once! Oh yeah, plus the trans thingy just to make life even more interesting.

I had my baptism of fire too several years ago. I lost my job, found another one some 350 miles from home, and my wife was hating me, almost glad I was gone and not doing much of anything to take advantage of the relocation package I had. A few months into that situation, 30 more pounds added on, and drunk most nights and even more depressed by it all.

Then, and only then, rock bottom in my life of serial disasters, did I know I needed to take the trans beast on for real. And things looked even worse after dropping the T-Bomb.

I transitioned. I changed. I am still growing as a person. It does get better. It does take time. Time to forget. Time to heal. Time to learn new ways of looking at yourself. Even more time not to blame yourself. Time to nurture that inner you. Time to understand who the real you is, or can be in time.

Quote from: Qrachel on January 31, 2016, 01:33:06 PM
Hi Amoré:

Reading this thread today, I wonder what the last sentence of the post about might have sounded like had you written it from the POV Autumn08 suggested most recently.  I'd really love to hear that, as I'm pretty sure it's a beautiful recognition/hopeful/exciting view of who Amoré has become and opens an equally beautiful look into her future. 

Give looking out that window a try . . . you've got everything to gain and almost nothing to lose, except possibly the remnants of a past that was toxic and can never be had again.  However, the past can poison the future unless you let go of it.

Offered with love and hope my dear,

Rachel

The sad reality about this for me is I don't see that as a realistic outcome. I would love to mother children have a baby that I can breast feed that is what really triggered the dysphoria and brought it back stronger then ever it was not that I could not live as a woman in everyday life but I felt robbed of being a mom and mothering a child having that bond with my child that I could see between my daughter and my wife. That was what really activated my whole dysphoria and I started to hate myself for thinking this stuff and why would I be jelous of it.

Sadly for me I can transition but feeling a baby inside me living and kicking is something I will never know and that makes me depressed beyond compare that is the part that I wont have. I don't know even know if I will get a husband because why would they choose me over a cis woman.

Then I can't have babies. The thing I wanted most as a woman. The part that hurts me the most before she came out as lying about being bisexual and drove me to attempted suicide we tried for a child and it was also her idea that I can experience mothering my own child my blood child even if I could not carry the baby and we would have been parents together sharing motherhood on both kids. That I what really broke me losing her and losing that with her.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 31, 2016, 01:52:10 PM
I'm sorry your going through so much pain, but to be honest you had 10 years of what you believed was love and you created a child

Please don't diminish someone's feeling like that ever again? It was true love for her towards her wife. Just because it didn't end in a happy ending doesn't mean it wasn't true love from her side.

I myself am from the good old RSA and understand a lot of the social things that you are going through. I lost my fiancé to similar reasons as you lost your wive. I am pretty much pre everything for all the all the social realities you mentioned previously.
My suggestion is to find something that is you, that transcends gender definitions, that brings joy to your life. A personal example form my life was starting to play Cricket again. It brought a wholeness to myself that will go beyond gender boundaries. Find that for yourself and your transition will be just another step on the road that we call life.

you know that everything you've said can be applied to  everyone on this forum. The thing is we survive and move on.

Quote from: Andrea Rosalie on January 31, 2016, 02:53:56 PM
Please don't diminish someone's feeling like that ever again? It was true love for her towards her wife. Just because it didn't end in a happy ending doesn't mean it wasn't true love from her side.

I myself am from the good old RSA and understand a lot of the social things that you are going through. I lost my fiancé to similar reasons as you lost your wive. I am pretty much pre everything for all the all the social realities you mentioned previously.
My suggestion is to find something is you, that transcends gender definitions, that brings joy to your life. A personal example form my life was starting to play Cricket again. It brought a wholeness to myself that will go beyond gender boundaries. Find that for yourself and your transition will be just another step on the road that we call life.

I'm not diminishing anyone that's one more child and one more marriage that I had had. I said I was sorry for the pain , but there are those of us that are in the same way.

Honey, the only way to go is transitioning. There is a woman inside your spirit, heart and soul. Hiding her will not make anything better.

I tried to hide the man inside me, and live life like before. I would cry daily and couldn't look myself in the mirror. I felt suicidal and had many thoughts of going with it. I didn't see a clear future; my life was very dark, and looking back on it, quite a blur.

But things will only get better for the woman inside you, if you let her be free. Yes, she is in love with someone who doesn't love her back. But one day, the woman inside of you will find a lover better. A person who loves you as the trans woman you are.

The man inside me was in love with a man who didn't love him, too. And it hurts. Like hell. But once you get out of hell, there is a wonderful life waiting for you.

Please don't give up. I'm extremely glad I didn't kill myself, and one day, you'll look back, and be glad that you didn't as well.

Quote from: Amoré on January 31, 2016, 02:35:01 PM
The sad reality about this for me is I don't see that as a realistic outcome. I would love to mother children have a baby that I can breast feed that is what really triggered the dysphoria and brought it back stronger then ever it was not that I could not live as a woman in everyday life but I felt robbed of being a mom and mothering a child having that bond with my child that I could see between my daughter and my wife. That was what really activated my whole dysphoria and I started to hate myself for thinking this stuff and why would I be jelous of it.

Sadly for me I can transition but feeling a baby inside me living and kicking is something I will never know and that makes me depressed beyond compare that is the part that I wont have. I don't know even know if I will get a husband because why would they choose me over a cis woman.

Then I can't have babies. The thing I wanted most as a woman. The part that hurts me the most before she came out as lying about being bisexual and drove me to attempted suicide we tried for a child and it was also her idea that I can experience mothering my own child my blood child even if I could not carry the baby and we would have been parents together sharing motherhood on both kids. That I what really broke me losing her and losing that with her.

When your gender dysphoria is triggered by seeing a woman with her child, could you the reframe the situation, and envision yourself being the mother of your future adopted child?

Quote from: stephaniec on January 31, 2016, 02:57:37 PM
I'm not diminishing anyone that's one more child and one more marriage that I had had. I said I was sorry for the pain , but there are those of us that are in the same way.

Then I apologise for my message. I took it up wrong. I am a bit sensitive when it comes to that as too often in my life I have been told how I feel.

Hey guy's thank you for all the advice I will try to envision myself as the woman with the child but it does not replace what I lost really.

I know it can be applied to everyone on this forum but what if this makes me so damn depressed because of what I would have had if it worked out how many lost that having a biological child with their wife that they love. I will probably survive or not I don't know everyone is different and feels pain different.

It was true love I know she still loves me or the male part of me but she can't live with the female side. She is not bisexual and I can understand how that in a way can end true love for some people. She let go of her husband beacause in her mind she lost him he is dead. That is how she sees it the person walking here is not the husband she married in her believes. So the husband she truly loved is gone.

For me personally this pain is becoming unbearable at stages so much that I am feeling suicidal at stages and it scares me because I am afraid of snapping and going through with it because I am at so emotional and delicate stage.


Me the B that killed her husband is left. I am a broken and tore apart person because she loved him not this person I am. In her mind it is two different people. So I lived true love everything about it was real. Why will I be so broken if it wasn't. I would not hurt like this believe me because I know what I lost and I am grieving. I am going through hell and I am at rock bottom in my life also.

I started mountain biking again with the idea of losing weight and dropping muscle mass but it is great fun except that I get reminded of her at some places.

Quote from: Amoré on January 31, 2016, 11:22:58 PM
Hey guy's thank you for all the advice I will try to envision myself as the woman with the child but it does not replace what I lost really.

There are an infinite number of things you could imagine and a great many of them would not have the loss and failure aspects you now are encountering.  Are you setting yourself up here?  I don't know but you should know before wishing for something with the pretense of improving your outlook.  I say this with powerful love and the deep angst as I remember well my time of grief in transitioning.

I know it can be applied to everyone on this forum but what if this makes me so damn depressed because of what I would have had if it worked out how many lost that having a biological child with their wife that they love. I will probably survive or not I don't know everyone is different and feels pain different.

First, see my statement immediately above.  Then, everyone is different - yes we/they are.  And everyone lives with the same general rules of time and place, cause and effect, belief and fact.  It's senseless to impute these things to others; you are you and while you share much with each of us your circumstances are yours.  That said, it's our differences that creates the opportunity for new and yet unforeseen possibilities.  If you focus on pain you'll find possibilities with more and more of it.  Your old self feels as if a mortal blow has been stuck, but reality says different and all the different lives reflected here on Susan's are a testament to an infinite set of possibilities other than pain. In the end it's got to be about love of yourself as you are and the beauty of that person (yet to be be fully developed) she will become.  (Note: Would love to talk about motherhood at a later time - still a deep and powerful conversation for me and possibly others.  I could start a thread . . .  ☺  )

It was true love I know she still loves me or the male part of me but she can't live with the female side. She is not bisexual and I can understand how that in a way can end true love for some people. She let go of her husband because in her mind she lost him he is dead. That is how she sees it the person walking here is not the husband she married in her believes. So the husband she truly loved is gone.

The hard reality of that matter, i.e. she loved you, is something you created as a result of being with her.  It is simply impossible to 'know' another; all we can do is speculate and hope that speculation is workable enough for us to feel as we would like to feel - it's often a crap shoot (U.S. for chancy).  I'm not depreciating what you each created for yourselves, just take responsibility for what truly happened; i.e. she made you feel loved and then she didn't.  This is important because you are going to have to own and live with that reality, and how you do so has everything to do with your happiness going forward.

For me personally this pain is becoming unbearable at stages so much that I am feeling suicidal at stages and it scares me because I am afraid of snapping and going through with it because I am at so emotional and delicate stage.

Please understand that the world and certainly many, many here at Susan's understand and have deep empathy for you.  If I could, I would come over and take you out for coffee/tea and snacks daily while we idled away a little time in a sisterhood for one another . . . we/I deeply care.  Please keep talking here, and see you if can't find our/your gifts given to you as part of something bigger and more beautiful than anything one might imagine humanly possible.  You my dear, sweet one are part of that and we are made so much more complete and beautiful because of you.  For my part, enough of this and please let this beautiful world you are a part of embrace you and you them/us.

Me the B that killed her husband is left. I am a broken and tore apart person because she loved him not this person I am. In her mind it is two different people. So I lived true love everything about it was real. Why will I be so broken if it wasn't. I would not hurt like this believe me because I know what I lost and I am grieving. I am going through hell and I am at rock bottom in my life also.

Your loss is truly sad and so unfortunate.  That does neither change who you are nor your future, unless you permit it to do so which only ensures the difficulties of the past will continue to fill your future.  There is a time for grief, and you are in it.  It can hurt and often does.  We/I get that as many of us have been there, some of us for decades.  Speaking from experience don't go long-term here; it totally sucks!!!!!  It's true though, that it is a trial we all seem to face.  I offer my deepest feelings of knowing, feeling and surviving such pain, and only ask that as you feel your pain many of us feel with you and await your turn away from the pain - if only a little bit for a short time, and then again, and again . . . just little slices here and there.  Eventually, slice by slice you will create a whole loaf of life anew and the blessings you seek tempered by great wisdom and new strengths you never knew before.  (P.S.  Don't underrate being a B . . . it has it's useful purposes    ;-)  )


I started mountain biking again with the idea of losing weight and dropping muscle mass but it is great fun except that I get reminded of her at some places.

Keep riding; you love it so.  Bike riding was one of my salvations too.      

Sent with love to you my dear, sent with love . . . .

Rachel

Thank you Rachel I always appreciate your input. I am totally floored this morning she hurt me so badly again. Telling me awful stuff like she will find someone that can be a dad for my child and someone who wants to spend time with her and be a role model for her.

She told me that being trans is a big problem(she had a swear word here) and that I am a big problem. Telling me she is glad I came out as trans because this exposed all our problems in our relationship.

She is really bashing me for being trans this morning and that is why she is divorcing me