I felt great , beautiful and me last weeks then here come this moment AGAIN where all I see in the mirror is that damn men I used to be , no Matter how much makeup I use , how I dress or what hair I use .

All I see is HIM this men that ruined all my childhood and teenager years . Will he ever dissapear ? I lost all confidence i earned and I dont want to go out anymore

Never got to see anything else than that guy. Sometimes he's wearing makeup but it's still the same old self.

Quote from: archlord on January 31, 2016, 12:47:21 PM
Will he ever dissapear ?

No.

But hopefully, you'll learn to accept him as a part of your past and love yourself as the complicated person you are (rather than the simple person you might wish to be.)

Quote from: archlord on January 31, 2016, 12:47:21 PM
Will he ever dissapear ?

He is your past, your strongest psyche impression so probably never. Even I still see him 10 yrs + after transitioning. It's a mental thing, more than anything else. A distortion when others see you as female, unequivocally. A distortion resulting from how the mind, the ego functions. As long as the past perceives the outer, the outer is distorted by the past.

But, the more you live as female, the more you spend time around ppl who see you as female, the more you will begin to see a female in the mirror. Also, I noticed that alcohol and progesterone sedate/suspend my mind, so that the mind, now silent, disconnected from the past, perceives I as female. The distortion disappears, between past and present.

It's a complicated psychic phenomena to explain that also applies to those who have known you as "male" since the beginning.  Jiddu Krishnamurti dwelves into this phenomena qute intensely.

Quote from: archlord on January 31, 2016, 12:47:21 PM
I felt great , beautiful and me last weeks then here come this moment AGAIN where all I see in the mirror is that damn men I used to be , no Matter how much makeup I use , how I dress or what hair I use .

All I see is HIM this men that ruined all my childhood and teenager years . Will he ever dissapear ? I lost all confidence i earned and I dont want to go out anymore

aren't you the one that gets Godlike on that facial recognition web page. I don't think you can go much higher than that.

Yes KayXo I understand that my mind cannot Forget the reflection I saw for 23 years . It is just .. Last few days , even last night I saw my reflection in mirror and I was like omg who is her ? She looks pretty It cant be me . I couldnt see him anymore then today booooom no Matter how I arrange myself all I see is my face back before HRT . And It is Weird because I know It changed but my mind is overwritting my current look to make me feel like crap .i agrée about alcohol helping to feel more female . I however want to feel great not intoxicated. I am alone all the time too .. It doesnt help . I cannot make new friend here . Everywhere I go remember me my past. I plan on moving to montreal where no one know me after my FFS recovery and finally try to be happy and have those teenagers years I didnt have .. But for now I am alone and I hate my job

Yes stephaniec but that doesnt make me feel better in anyway. I would prefer being an average ciswoman then having to go through all this pain . I started transition the moment I couldnt handle It anymore , It had drained all my energy . I am trying to refill the energy with finally being me but I honestly cannot accept me yet . Thats not about looking good or not , I feel like my childhood has been stolen and I feel soooo incomplete.

Oh how I hate seeing "The sad old man" in the mirror. Then I know for sure I am depressed over something, usually being trans or otherwise helpless to change things for the better.

I chalk it up to being really really good at beating myself up. What better way then to to totally smash your dreams, your hopes, your desires?

well, I guess the fact  that I lived 60 years without the help to be put on the proper path in life that mean old man thinks he deserves a plate at the table. I tell him he has no rights, but he yells back at me saying that I made you who you are without me you would be nothing and I yell back at him telling him how much I hate him and he never should of existed and he yells back at me saying you ungrateful wench . Maybe the answer is acceptance.

Quote from: archlord on January 31, 2016, 02:07:51 PM
Yes KayXo I understand that my mind cannot Forget the reflection I saw for 23 years . It is just .. Last few days , even last night I saw my reflection in mirror and I was like omg who is her ? She looks pretty It cant be me . I couldnt see him anymore then today booooom no Matter how I arrange myself all I see is my face back before HRT . And It is Weird because I know It changed but my mind is overwritting my current look to make me feel like crap

Good and not so good days. I've been through this countless times. I know how you feel, it sucks. And some days, you are on cloud nine! It feels so right and makes all this, the suffering, the transitioning, worthwhile.

QuoteI however want to feel great not intoxicated.

Agree. You want to feel this way naturally. ALL THE TIME!

QuoteI am alone all the time too .. It doesnt help . I cannot make new friend here . Everywhere I go remember me my past.

That explains it partly but the mind follows you everywhere you go! Something you will realize later on. You can run, leave but eventually, you must face it and ACCEPT IT. This alone is the most powerful tool to resolve this issue. Accept things as they are. Don't fight it. The more you fight it, the worse it will be, the worse you will feel. Do nothing, accept.

Quotehave those teenagers years I didnt have

I know how you feel.

QuoteI would prefer being an average ciswoman then having to go through all this pain

Me too. But, alas, things are not that way. Accept your situation. The sooner, the better. Love you as you, don't compare, don't envy, don't try and be someone else.

QuoteI honestly cannot accept me yet . Thats not about looking good or not , I feel like my childhood has been stolen and I feel soooo incomplete.

Again ditto. Hopefully, the day will come when acceptance will be.

 
   You win this fight by surrendering.

Our past is part of who we are.  I know that it was very wrong and we missed so much.

We need to take what is good from it and leave the rest behind.  When we can do that, we are free to be ourselves..
Hugs,

Jen

Quote from: Stevie on January 31, 2016, 02:53:15 PMYou win this fight by surrendering.

Your childhood is gone. Sunk cost. Dont let your past dictate your future, you are transistioning and living your life. The past is only a memory now. Needless pain about your past miserable life wont fix a thing. Acceptance is the only way.

Plus youre probably at your most beautiful state that youll ever be today than at any other time in your past.

well, the problem is you can't change the past and if you could you as you are would not exist and that's includes everything not just the fact you had to live as a male. I'm 64 and just started transition 2.5 years ago. If I let it get to me which it does, I'd be crying everyday and hating my life because 64 years of it was bull. You need reality in life not fantasy, I'm here now and from now on. I may only have anywhere from a year to 20 years left of my life so I can't waste it wishing on what I can't have and all I can do is work on what I can have.That old self isn't going anywhere because that self is you.

thanks for kind words everyone