I have to admit I love wearing women's clothes and makeup. It started when I was a child and my Mom would use me as the mannequin for my sisters costumes. That would have been enough, but she often put on lipstick blush mascara. Then tell me how cute I was. I believe it was the only time I was acknowledged by my Mom as being anything special.  I had a hard time in grade school in that I was very shy. Sill am. But I made friends with the girls often playing dress up with them but I was always assigned the Dad. We played hop scotch, four square, jacks while the rest of the boys played kickball. I was molested when I was 10 by a family friend. I have always loved and admired women. Heck I want to be one.
However in my era it was a taboo. So I suffered in silence. While maintaining my inner desires, I succumbed to convention. Married the love of my life than watched it be destroyed by my secret. Married a second time and this time my wife found out early on that i liked to dress however she has never seen me en femme. She is gender neutral on the subject.
We had babies and I was always scared someone would find out about my secret life and think I was a pervert and take my kids. I am not the least bit perverted I was nurturing, feeding,changing diapers, playing and watching the dreaded Barney. I do not want a man. I want to be free to be me. To do daily things. Visit my women friends and have girls night out.
I cannot have HRT because of a heart condition but if I could I definitely would. Because women are special beings, women are not afraid to wear their heart on their sleeves. I want the ability to cry without the guilt of masculinity. If there is a God and he preforms miracles, I would have loved to be a mother. This would be my prayer.
.  My friend of thirty years Dee and I were having a discussion the other day and for some reason I told her about my secret. Instead of disgust she inspired me. She said to come to Vegas for your outing. If you don't fit in there you won't fit in. So we have a date for March.  I would be open to any suggestions,
Thanks for allowing this forum to express my true self. It feels so good.

Welcome to Susan's Place. A lesson I just learn about HRT the hard way is to keep asking questions. I have been off HRT for about 10 years and some of the changes it gave me have been reclaimed. Tomorrow I will see what I can do to reverse 10 year of improper medical advice. I understand why the doctor may have refused you HRT but there is something you should ask about. The blocker drugs started out has heart drugs that had an interesting side effect. It's possible one of the drugs you are on could be replace with a blocker and that might help with some of the discomfort you feel. Another thing is low dose estrogen. Changes might not be very fast but there would be much less risk involved than what would be associated with a transition dose.

Many people on this site cross live with not intention of having surgery. It is very doable and we will be more than happy to help you with what you need. Some like you do it for medical reason and other because they are in the non binary area of gender. Feel free to explore the site and if there is anything I can help you with, let me know.

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I'm really happy to hear that you're finding and living yourself.  It's really encouraging to me.  The way you said that you want to be a mother; I've said and felt the exact same thing many times.  It's great that you have a friend who wants to help you.  Just keep being positive.  You have every right to be happy.

have you had a medical consultation with a board certified physician to determine if you are a candidate for hrt or not as well as a second opinion? 

Its never too late to live your life authentically. Go to vegas and see how being out and about as your feminine self.

Hello and welcome 

This might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,203560.msg1810411.html#msg1810411


hugs