You can't change your sexuality but you... can choose whether to act on it or not act on it and shelve it? If you start thinking about it you can stop short and tell yourself to think about something else. I mean it's not controlling you and everything you do, it's just an irritant.

Essentially what I've been trying to do for 8 years and failing. It's the reason that for 6 of those years I refused to consider what this feeling actually meant. If I did happen to consider it the first thing I would think would be well before I could know anything I just have to stop the sexual part of it. But I mean that really is like stopping getting hungry or stopping needing to sleep. You can't just shut that down. I have the same shame feeling it as much as I do acting on it.

But the overlap between the sexual and non sexual side of it feels impossible for me. The two feelings sort of drive each other. When I'm beating one side of it the other one rears its head . If I manage to avoid acting on it but still feel the desire to be female in a non sexual way then I think screw it I may as well indulge the sexual side because I hate myself for feeling this way anyway and I'm never going to be ok, im never going to be able to turn this around and feel good about my life and who I am, So I may as well feel some relief for a few seconds. I then think about it and turn in into a sexual feeling.

But still to this day I would say the first step for me would be to stop that side of it. But I'm realising that is tantamount to not having a sexuality. Which seems impossible. Your sexuality is just there you don't choose it. Sometimes I really do think if I just chopped it off down there then problem solved. Bit who knows. It's like a chicken and egg situation for me. This whole deal just sucks so much. There are much tougher things  that can happen to you in life. But this has to be up there with the worst in terms of feeling trapped and hopeless.

Quote from: orangejuice on February 12, 2016, 04:34:14 PM
This whole deal just sucks so much. There are much tougher things  that can happen to you in life. But this has to be up there with the worst in terms of feeling trapped and hopeless.

I agree, it's a continual torment that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Based upon your history, it's unlikely this will improve unless you try a different approach. Have you considered trialling a low dose of HRT, just to see how you feel? It does seem to reduce the intensity of the dysphoria.

Hi Violets, yea I mean of all the hopeless options that could maybe be way out of this. But then at the expense of a whole other mess of problems popping up. But the thing is I actually was on an anti-androgen for just 6 days prescribed by a private gender therapist. It did something scary to me. I felt really good at first. Calm in a way I haven't felt since I was 16 or something but then awful. Really weird feelings like my head was severed from my body and my heart and breathing felt really weak like they could stop. I'm terrified it's done something permanent. This was a year ago and the headaches have stopped now as has most of the chest pain but I still feel way off normal. My hands have turned all see through and veiny like an old persons and anytime I attempt exercise I feel really really bad. Like my heart is blocked up. But hey I've seen a cardiologist and a neurologist and apparently nothing's wrong so I just have to proceed on that basis. It's unbelievably hard though I thought I was pretty low before that is why I took action but now that I don't even have exercise which I've always loved to distract me and I'm even worse.

But ye even still I'm on a 4 month long waiting list to see a therapist on the NHS this time as I couldn't keep paying for private. I don't really know what I want out of it just that  I still have enough hope left to at least try something. But I'm not on waiting list to get hormones. Seems like the two are separate which seems kinda dumb to me. The waiting list for that would be much longer. Like a year I think. So it's not really something I'm thinking about again. But if things get so bad maybe it would be worth another shot.

Sorry to hear you had an adverse reaction from the anti-androgen, that sounds scary! You're probably already aware of this, but there are several different types of AA on the market. If you're game (and I can't blame you if you're not), you could try a different one. Alternatively, you could try ditching the AA altogether and try estradiol on its own.