hello I'm married to a man and we have been together for 24 years, during this time we have had 2 children, one is grown and out of the house and our youngest is just starting middle school. During our marriage we have had challenges like any marriage but we have survived it all because we love each other and we wanted to build a future together, and quite frankly finding someone that fits you is challenging at best IMO.

I'm here because my husband is not honest with me about what he wants.

I have found him wearing my lipstick and my mascara and now I suspect he is wearing my shoes and clothes too. I've asked him about this and he told me that he is gender fluid, but thinks he may be trans gender. which of course I was immediately concerned about and didn't even understand either one of these terms.. When I pressed him on his intent, he started back peddling and saying he is confused, so I asked him to see a psychologist, which he has been.

I have been patient and after a few sessions I  asked him what he is talking about and he gives me a song and dance about being healthy and working through his problems. The problem with this is that he is acting female around me, I can tell that something has changed. I believe he is planning his transition to becoming a woman and I'm scared to death of what this means. I'm having dreams of him wearing girl clothes and waking up, upset and angry. I find hints on our computer that he is looking at wigs and clothing.

so I asked him if he thinks he is a woman and he says quickly "no!" I ask him if he wants to be one and he says he was confused and he is working with his counselor to fix the problem. He used the analogy of being sick. Saying that his counselor explained that people can become confused and see an illusion of themselves that is not accurate.  So he says to me he had confusion and sickness, and the mind is powerful and anyone can get sick. Yet I don't believe him, part of me WANTS him to do it to just transition because then I would be validated that this is real and I'm not living through some crazy situation that I can't talk to any of my friends or family about. Part of me wants this to NOT be real as I want my husband, I like his hairy body and I like male/female sex. I like having that guy there that can protect me. I like being the girl, the mom, the woman in the relationship.

Anyone else dealing with this sort of "I'm in the closet, I'm not in the closet" type situation? I love him(maybe her)... I just don't know what to do here any more. What if he becomes a she... I mean I don't know if I can handle this embarrassment, no offense meant, but it would be embarrassing and humiliating to me.

Hi mrsdarcysays, welcome to Susan's!

I can understand your concerns, but please be aware that there is a huge spectrum within the transgender community. Experimenting with women's clothing etc doesn't necessarily mean your husband is transgender, and if he is transgender, it doesn't necessarily mean that he will need to transition. If he does need to take things further, it doesn't necessarily mean he will need to transition fully or even socially.

You really don't know for sure what is going on in his head or is being discussed in therapy, so perhaps you could let him know that by him not being transparent with you, you are jumping to conclusions and fearing the worst.

Hi, maybe he is really confused and disoriented by what it's happening to him. I cannot evaluate that from here.

The fact that your husband shows himself to you in a feminine way may signify that he is waiting for your support.

Many do not show that to their partners, they just do that "in the closet", and they don't do that outside the closet just because they are themselves confused about what is happening, and do not want to hurt or worry their beloved ones showing something that do not understand totally themselves.

Pheraps your husband really do not know if he has to start a transition or not. In such case he is not cheating you, he simply needs time and help to understand.

Aly

Hi Mrs Darcy, welcome to Susan's Place! You two face a long road, and open, honest communication is going to be the key. This is the best place for you to learn about what he is facing. Here are some helpful links about using the site:

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Here are some definitions that may clear things up for you a little bit:

Quote from: Susan on January 26, 2009, 10:04:38 PM

Community Definitions:

Transgender: an inclusive umbrella term which covers anyone who transcends their birth gender for any reason. This includes but is not limited to Androgynes, Crossdressers, Drag kings, Drag queens, Intersexuals, Transsexuals, and Transvestites.

Androgyne: An androgynous person

Androgynous: Being neither distinguishably masculine nor feminine, as in dress, appearance, or behavior.

Crossdresser: a person wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Drag kings: performers, usually gay women or transgendered men - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the male gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag kings often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Drag queens: performers, usually gay men or transgendered women - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the female gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag queens often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Intersexual: a person born with the full or partial sex organs of both sexes; with underdeveloped or ambiguous sex organs; a sex chromosome karyotype other than XX or XY; or sex hormone receptor problems which prevent normal absorption of Estrogen or Androgens. Intersexual persons may seek to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

Significant other: for the purpose of this site, someone close to a person who is transgender. This may be a mother, father, son, daughter, sister, brother, family member, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or friend.

Transsexual: a person who is mentally one gender, but has the body of the other. They desire to live and be accepted as a member of the mental gender, this is generally accompanied by the strong desire to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

Transvestite: a person who wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally a strong sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Other terms:

Post-Ops: Transsexuals who have had surgical procedures to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex. For MTF transsexuals this is generally considered to be after Genital surgery (GRS, orchiectomy, and/or penectomy), for FTM transsexuals it is generally considered to be after top surgery.

Pre-ops: Transsexuals who desire to to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex, but have not yet had the surgical procedures for whatever reason.

This is not intended to be a glossary of all tg related terms. This just defines the make-up of the community on this site.

Proper Pronouns

Always use proper gender terms and pronouns based on the person's expressed self identity. Intentionally misgendering someone will result in a ban no matter what provocation you think you experienced.

For Male to Female Transsexuals: Male to Female transsexuals are women, and should be addressed in the feminine,  Brava instead of Bravo. recommended pronouns include She, Her, and Hers.

For Female to Male Transsexuals: Female to Male transsexuals are men, and should be addressed in the masculine Bravo instead of Brava. Recommended pronouns include He, Him, and His.

Gender Neutral: Whenever possible avoid the use feminine or masculine forms. Recommended pronouns include Them, They, and Their.

Note: ->-bleeped-<- and ->-bleeped-<- are considered extremely pejorative and should not be used on this site. Terms like Ladyboy should be limited to use in their specific cultural reference.

Looking forward to seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you for the welcomes, and I didn't know transgender was such a broad term, thought it was same as being a transsexual.

I found the S.O forum, so likely will be reading and hanging out there, hoping other wives S.O.ers can give me some perspectives and maybe some coaching too.

I want what is best for him, I love him dearly, and I'll let him go if I have to.

Kudos to you for coming here to help understand it all. It is really not an all or nothing thing when it comes to the transgender spectrum and he may be trying to figure it all out for himself. I know it is scary, it has to be for everyone but he is the same person you married, grew and changed with. This is just another one of those life changes/challenges, hang in there

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am a little nervous about what your husband said because there might be issues with the therapist. The current thinking on Transgender is that it's a birth defect. At a critical window in development, MTF weren't exposed to sufficient testosterone to masculinize our brain. In the case of FTM it would be exposure that causes them to become masculine. There is no way to undo this so it becomes a matter of finding a life where you are comfortable.

If you husband is gender fluid/bigender, that means his gender identity can shift between male and female sometimes in the middle of the day in just a minute or two. For people who are fluid, this can be very confusing and they have developed a number of way to be somewhat comfortable with a constantly changing identity. I have posted with several fluid people on this site and fluid seem to be somewhat rare or people are not being properly diagnosed. Some people I have posted with report that there doctor is pretty clueless about the concept of gender fluid.

I am providing a link to our Wiki where you will be able to get an even better idea what transgender is about. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have as I am a 33 year post surgical transsexual who is here to help other deal with the problems of understanding themselves.

Hi MrsDarcy 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the conversation

Hugs

V M

welcome

Mrs. Darcy,

I think it's wonderful that you came here to learn about the transgender community.

I am new here myself but I want to let you know how the very most important things are trust and acceptance.  My wife's acceptance has been crucial.  She was at first surprised that I was wearing her underwear and a little scared when she saw a receipt that I had purchased a bra, though it turned out her fear was mainly that I might have bought it for someone else, it was far too small for her and she didn't have any idea why I would want one for me!  Then her fear turned to fear that I was going to "become a woman" and leave her.  Because I was scared to share my experimentation and my questioning with her, when she found out she was scared and distrustful, which made me more scared to share.  We've largely overcome that now, it helps that we already had a very open and trusting relationship, I just had to mend a few fences for being secretive.  She still doesn't "get" why I would own bras or camisoles with tucking for breasts but today she told me how she's always liked the fact that I'm "a feminine guy" (which was a surprise to me to hear!) and suggested I wear her new stretch leggings and her turtleneck.  She did this after I opened up and told her that I was transgender/non-binary.  By opening up to her she has trusted and accepted me, by accepting me I have trusted her and felt I could open up.

I fear that if you don't try to accept your husband, he will be afraid and will hide things from you, which will only create distrust in you, driving you apart.

But it's obvious that you are willing to be open to new ideas and that you are willing to challenge yourself to keep your relationship strong, this puts you and your husband at a huge advantage.  Let him know you trust him and you support him in learning about himself, let him know that it's OK with you if he never figures it all out and most of all let him know that you love him, then be open an honest about your fears, too.

Hugs,
DeeDee

MrsDarcy,

Welcome to Susan's.  You will find this a very open and supportive place to come visit. 

There is a lot of fear of rejection that occurs with us.  Some very real from experience, and a lot from what is projected in our minds as a result of that experience or the experience we've seen.   The biggest hurdle for me as a MtF, was the fear of rejection.  You have shown wonderful support to your husband.  As much as it has been there, you are right that he may be in denial.  For some there is embarassment in being exposed, and the reaction is to deny it, as obvious as it was.  For others, there is relief in being known for what we are. 

The most critical component of marriage is communication and it is easy to be frustrated when you feel you are on the outside of the thoughts that are going on with him.  You probably have done this, but clear time for just the 2 of you to sit and talk.  Keep it as a conversation that is non-threatening.  Keep it open.  You are not wrong to want what you want, but if you want him, you have to accept exactly who that is, and he needs to continue knowing that.  That is where our minds can go rampant.  Your's thinking he's going to want to do certain things, and his, probably not knowing what is to come of his life right now, and not having a good understanding or admission of what that is. 

I'd also suggest finding a good couples therapist.  The dialogue in a session can set the tone for knowing how to handle and be supportive to him and just as importantly, how he can be supportive and understanding of what you are feeling as well. 

I wish you nothing but the best.   Thank you for coming here. 

Dear mrs darcy,

I have given you access to the SO forum so you can post there as well.

This is a very difficult time for you and you have my every sympathy and full support.

I am married and my marriage has survived and is indeed stronger than it was, however my partner knew I was a crossdresser and a possible transgender person before we married.

It is to my mind important to set some boundaries with your partner. It is not right that they wear your clothes etc without your permission. That is just rude in my opinion. You have a total right to your privacy and dignity.

If your partner wishes to wear female clothing they should go and purchase them and boundaries set when and where they can express themselves until such a time that therapy has been undertaken and decisions made.

There is a strong need for mutual respect in these circumstances because only then can proper and meaningful communication be opened.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you can both work things out to your mutual satisfaction.

Cindy

thanks so much for your thoughts and shares, im posting on the so board now, and well, trying to figure this out.