I am in near constant conflict with "her". When she's here I love her and want her to stay and yet I hate myself because of "her". I hate putting "her" away, almost to the point of crying, and dream about "her" until the next time she can come out to play. I feel shame to the point where I wish I wasn't like this and yet I hate the idea of NOT being this. It is most confusing and often disturbing to me. I have suffered with anxiety and depression most of my life and most of it stems from that side of me. She's only had a name for a couple of years; she didn't really exist as an entity before,  just the occasional trying on of clothes.  Oddly enough it was my wife who helped me meet her and yet, my wife isn't entirely keen of her either. I was going to therapy for awhile but was unable to bring it up during my sessions.  I'm afraid to be "her" and yet compelled to.
Do others share these feelings?

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I have the dysphoria about my self all the time

Luanne

I am on the far end as a transsexual and until I did a full transition, I wasn't comfortable in life. Others on the site have found they don't need a full transition but something less will do. I think therapy would help you a great deal but for now you need to understand there are other  ways you could live your life that you might feel comfortable in. Some people feminize their wardrobe while others live full time without surgery. The transition isn't always surgery but is what you want it to be. I have two links that I provide when I have people who uncertain and they will help you understand the transgender world. The first is our Wiki where you will learn the names and descriptions that fall in the transgender spectrum. The second is "the transition channel" where you will see a therapy session and it may ask enough question that you will get a better idea of what you feel.

I am post surgical 33 years and know a good deal about ->-bleeped-<- and transsexualism. I am not a doctor but feel free to ask me any questions you might have. I will do my best to help you explore what you feel.

I think just about everyone feels something like this at first. You don't want it because it will upset your life. But you do want it because it is an over powering feeling. It may grow to be overwhelming. If it does, you may not be able to control it and it will force you on another track in your life. It's best to get her out in the open. Do talk to your therapist. This is pretty mainstream stuff in psychology now. You need not feel ashamed. It only proves you aren't a pervert to talk about it. By all means, don't bottle it up. Don't keep it inside. It really helps to talk to the right people. And be totally honest with your wife. She deserves that.

Chin up!
Cindi

Going through much the same anxiety. My wife is a saint. I remember how po'd I was when I found out my first wife was cheating. But she has taken it in stride. It's got to hurt. This was a couple of weeks of firsts and I am so glad I found this site. I started cross dressing at an early age and it's been my little secret all these years. I have gone the therapist a number of times but could not admit what was happening with me. But this week I went and talked about it. Boy has the weight been lifted. So much so that I told my sister. I will get around to telling the kids but I am not up to that challenge yet.
  Next month my friend Dee has invited me to Vegas for an outing. I'm going public. Do I care if I pass? Hell I have size 15 feet and am 6' 3". In my life I have seen only one woman this size. No I do not care. I want to go and have fun with my friend just being girlfriends out for some fun.
I understand there is going to be a gathering at the Tropicana in May. There is also an Espirt Convention in Port Angeles, WA May8 thru 16 2016.
  Good luck with your quest and remember good things come to those who wait. Haven't we waited enough?

It's stories like these that re-affirm my belief that this is never a choice.  We spend so much of our childhood trying to fit in and deep down know we don't.  Its no wonder there so much depression within our ranks.  For me it wasn't until I finally accepted who I am that the guilt and depression about my dressing went away.  It cost me a marriage but it had to happen (I think the marriage was doomed anyways).  In my 30's it just clicked; I'd found the internet and people like me and it was like the weight of the world slid off my shoulders... I'm me, I'm a cross dresser, and that perfectly ok.  Since then I've met someone who accepts me for all of me.  I don't have this need to sneak in a dressing session anymore.  We have had some live in relatives that hinder my dressing but I have been able to wake up and sit in my living room in a nightie.  Its so refreshing to just be able to be you and not be judged.

Whether you decide transitioning is right for you or not acceptance of 'her' is paramount to your happiness.  She will never go away.  You can squash her, hide her, ignore her, etc.  But she's a force to be reckoned with and she will make herself known.  By accepting her part of and in you, you can achieve a balance and that's when peace happens and living really begins.

KayleeDenson,

This is how I felt for years. However, I did not look for resources or help. I just assumed I was a very messed up pervert. It wasn't till the depression overtook me after many years that I finally took the step to see a therapist. So we may be kind of opposite that way. I went to be seen about this all and how to make it stop. I think I knew there was not way of that happening but I had to do something, I was making everyone around me miserable and thinking of ways to end life.

I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you where you might be on the trans spectrum. I can urge you to go to your therapist or find one specializing in these issues. I think you might need their help to move beyond this wall you may be experiencing. Don't worry about their judgement. If they are a therapist worth their salt, their concern is your well being. Not being freaked out or judging patients.

I loved the feeling of "her" but never let "her" stay. My big worry now is "she" will be reluctant to come and stay. I want help from "her" now. I think she is what is saving me.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey,

Joanna

Joanna, that how I feel for many years, and all I thought that I was crazy. I had try to purged her out of my life so many times, but she kept came back. Now I just accept her is me, and at age 56 she will not goes any where soon. That why I visit my Gender Therapist last week to clear my mind, and go ahead with my transition.

Luanne

"Her?"  Yeah, her. That geeky little strawberry blonde who loves running around in swing tanks and short shorts, or sundresses and wedges, or T shirts and skinny jeans, with her girl geek glasses and pink lipstick.

Yes, I love her, and I love being her.  She unlocks an expressiveness I never had as a man.  And I cry every time I have to take off that beautiful strawberry blond wig and put it back into the closet and wipe off the makeup.

I am out to my wife, and I have the run of the house and yard.  I can go out with my wife dressed androgynously, but I have yet to go out in the world as Carly.  I am not quite ready yet, still learning to walk in heels and still figuring out makeup.

But since finding her cowering in the dark recesses of my mind and inviting her out into the light, I know that to love her is to love myself for the first time in my life.  She is not only a part of me, she is the best part of me.

I highly recommend reading Luna, the op really reminded me of that book. While you may just enjoy the X-dressing, we all fall under the trans umbrella of ubiquity


     Hugs,
- Katie
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I can relate. But I don't really hate Karen. It causes me some turmoil but It passes quickly when I am dolled up.
I lived most of my life as a big bad ass biker type I just felt like my life was one big act.
I had the chance to explore with my open minded girlfriend then wife.
I just wish it was sooner as I lived feeling so much pressure for too many years.
i moved and a new environment and new people helped.