Hi I just made my introduction earlier today in the "Introductions forum. I think likely most of my hello probably should have been put here, so here it is

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I'm here because my husband is not honest with me about what he wants.

I have found him wearing my lipstick and my mascara and now I suspect he is wearing my shoes and clothes too. I've asked him about this and he told me that he is gender fluid, but thinks he may be trans gender. which of course I was immediately concerned about and didn't even understand either one of these terms.. When I pressed him on his intent, he started back peddling and saying he is confused, so I asked him to see a psychologist, which he has been.

I have been patient and after a few sessions I  asked him what he is talking about and he gives me a song and dance about being healthy and working through his problems. The problem with this is that he is acting female around me, I can tell that something has changed. I believe he is planning his transition to becoming a woman and I'm scared to death of what this means. I'm having dreams of him wearing girl clothes and waking up, upset and angry. I find hints on our computer that he is looking at wigs and clothing.

so I asked him if he thinks he is a woman and he says quickly "no!" I ask him if he wants to be one and he says he was confused and he is working with his counselor to fix the problem. He used the analogy of being sick. Saying that his counselor explained that people can become confused and see an illusion of themselves that is not accurate.  So he says to me he had confusion and sickness, and the mind is powerful and anyone can get sick. Yet I don't believe him, part of me WANTS him to do it to just transition because then I would be validated that this is real and I'm not living through some crazy situation that I can't talk to any of my friends or family about. Part of me wants this to NOT be real as I want my husband, I like his hairy body and I like male/female sex. I like having that guy there that can protect me. I like being the girl, the mom, the woman in the relationship.

Anyone else dealing with this sort of "I'm in the closet, I'm not in the closet" type situation? I love him(maybe her)... I just don't know what to do here any more. What if he becomes a she... I mean I don't know if I can handle this embarrassment, no offense meant, but it would be embarrassing and humiliating to me.

Quote from: mrsdarcysays on February 12, 2016, 12:58:58 PM

Anyone else dealing with this sort of "I'm in the closet, I'm not in the closet" type situation? I love him(maybe her)... I just don't know what to do here any more. What if he becomes a she... I mean I don't know if I can handle this embarrassment, no offense meant, but it would be embarrassing and humiliating to me.

You're not alone in that, don't ever feel that you are. Many of us SO's have said that under no terms would we stick around as the spouse if a full transition happens. Don't ever apologize about being true to yourself.

Mine originally thought about a transition, but after my "not sticking around for that" reaction, he's now looking for a happy medium where we can both be happy. It's quite possible that your husband was just having an identity crisis, is somewhere on the TG spectrum, or just turns out to like to crossdress on occasion. If he does end up with a TG diagnosis, there are plenty of men dealing with it and not going to the extreme.

The two of you are going to need to have some honest, uncomfortable discussions so you can move beyond this hell that you're currently living in.

Best of luck to you in finding a solution that works for your marriage.

Thanks for the thoughts, we talked most of the night, honest conversation and I left my emotions at the door. At this point I don't think its a mid life crisis, rather a lot of hidden things came out. stuff about him I just didn't know and now I'm hurting not because of what has been suggested (edit: well hurting from that too if I want to be real with myself) but because I care deeply for this person and had no idea the pain he has been suffering with.  It is all very confusing to me because we have been together for a long time and he always *seemed* happy, till now. Now there is this side of him I had no idea existed, beyond some kinky things we occasionally did in the bedroom that I thought was odd for guys to like. How can I be with someone so long and not know? It makes me question everything, including if I walk away, whether I ever have a relationship with someone again. my trust in people is just plain broken at the moment.

To share I've agreed to let him talk to a gender therapist, and even go on HRT if that is the outcome.

Time for sleep, I've been up to long.

Quote from: mrsdarcysays on February 13, 2016, 07:58:41 AM
How can I be with someone so long and not know? It makes me question everything, including if I walk away, whether I ever have a relationship with someone again. my trust in people is just plain broken at the moment.

You've just said exactly how many of us spouses feel, including myself. I don't have any answers for you. It's just going to be up to you to decide what you can live with. I myself can deal with many aspects of it, but many I just can't and be able to look myself in the eye. It's all very different from one relationship to another.

my husband and i are very similar in our likes, beliefs, humor, outlook, take on life, now this, to me it feels like he is just suicidal, why would he do this? i feel like he has basically communicated to me that he is i so unhappy he doesnt want  to be here any more.

is he doing this because he feels emasculated? could that be it?

It is very important that both of you are aware of depression. It can come on very quickly and you need support. Your family doctor can help.

Without commenting on your husband in particular most trans people suffer from depression due to the conflict we have between our brain gender and our physical appearance. This invariably goes away when we transition. Trans people who have hidden their conflict for so many years can be very adept at hiding their feelings. This is one reason the revelation of their feelings can be such a shock.

It is critical that you are aware of your grief and possible depression and have support to help you.

I think many of us partners have the same feeling of wondering how we didn't know about such a huge thing in our partners lives, and wondering if we really know them.  It's a very hard thing to deal with.

Please don't judge your husband or yourself too harshly for not having the issue known between the two of you. You must understand the shear terror involved with telling this secret. Your spouse is quite possibly convinced the world will turn against him if he tells his full story. I would be more inclined to think he is scared or confused rather than intentionally dishonest. I told my wife as best I could when we first started dating in 1978. It wasn't until last year that things finally became clear that I was transgender. If you love him, give him the benefit of the doubt that he may not know. My heart goes out to you as I know this is hard. You didn't ask for this but keep in mind, he didn't either.
It sometimes does work out to stay together. My wife and I are closer than ever. She said she realized that the person she now loves as Monica was the basis of who she loved even when I was living as my old male persona. Thankfully she didn't panic and we were able to develop something wonderful.
Good luck to you both!
Moni

Quote from: mrsdarcysays on February 13, 2016, 07:58:41 AM
... To share I've agreed to let him talk to a gender therapist, and even go on HRT if that is the outcome. ...

If you haven't already, you might consider going together to a gender specialist/therapist. I don't have experience with couple's therapy in that way but I've heard positive things about it.

WPATH Directory

Some "significant other" information from the perspective of a therapist and some of the wive's of cross-dressing or transitioning husbands...

http://www.avitale.com/
http://www.avitale.com/sotherlist.html
http://www.avitale.com/FAQ.htm

Best of luck!

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 13, 2016, 07:42:47 PM
It sometimes does work out to stay together. My wife and I are closer than ever. She said she realized that the person she now loves as Monica was the basis of who she loved even when I was living as my old male persona. Thankfully she didn't panic and we were able to develop something wonderful.
Good luck to you both!
Moni

Have you fully transitioned and managed to stay together?

Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 13, 2016, 08:54:53 PM
Have you fully transitioned and managed to stay together?

I have not had surgery at this point, and I am a month away from being out at work. I am on hormones for 8 months. That said, my wife sees me as presenting female almost all of the time now, at home and out. She will ask, "What are you dressed like that for." if I dress as more male for some reason. She is passed the point of  making many of the mental adjustments she had to make. She has no sense of going backward because she knows how painful it is for me. I cried a few months ago because I had to go to a wedding in a tie. She said she would never push me to do that again. She is indeed transitioning as much as I am. I don't know if she will have a hard time later (with surgeries, etc.), but I think we will always love and respect each other. I believe we will stay together forever. She and others have told me that they think I am a much nicer person now. I am amazed each day how wonderful she is.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 14, 2016, 04:41:17 PM
... She is indeed transitioning as much as I am. ...

Well said, quite apropos... I'm not in an SO situation myself so I'm sort of learning by hearing various experiences, ranging from documentaries, to threads such as this. Last night after reading this thread, I was thinking to myself and it dawned on me, when one spouse awakens to a need to explore transition, both are actually beginning the transition at that point in time, even if the other spouse has yet to find out (because, I'd imagine, couples are too connected for effects not to immediately be present throughout the relationship, even if undetected consciously). It seems it can be equally difficult for both to reconcile immediate new realities, but even more so, I'm guessing the SO can sometimes think it's not a choice they made as though it's a choice of the other spouse (an easy impression regardless of validity). Oh, the misunderstandings that must yield.

Thanks for clarifying the existence of that reality/nuance of transition.

Quote from: Kao3 on February 14, 2016, 04:55:33 PM
It seems it can be equally difficult for both to reconcile immediate new realities, but even more so, I'm guessing the SO can sometimes think it's not a choice they made as though it's a choice of the other spouse (an easy impression regardless of validity). Oh, the misunderstandings that must yield.

Thanks for clarifying the existence of that reality/nuance of transition.

You are correct in that it's not a choice of the SO, we are frequently just along for the ride, as it were. I commend the wives who can stick it out if there's a full transition. I know I couldn't (wouldn't) stay married to my spouse if that were to ever happen. I would have to transition to the role of friend and then would start over by dating again. Lucky for me those aren't transitions either of us will be making.

Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 14, 2016, 05:07:24 PM
You are correct in that it's not a choice of the SO, we are frequently just along for the ride, as it were. I commend the wives who can stick it out if there's a full transition. I know I couldn't (wouldn't) stay married to my spouse if that were to ever happen. I would have to transition to the role of friend and then would start over by dating again. Lucky for me those aren't transitions either of us will be making.

In not being in an SO situation myself, and in hearing of only a few experiences in some detail, this thread's being one, I have tended to see things more from the MTF perspective. What I take from your experience is that you are an equal transitioner in all this, and you have an identity, needs, dreams, wishes, etc., just as your spouse. There's no reason each spouse in such a transition shouldn't identify what's critical to their life experience. I hope it's okay for me to say that... Anyway, thanks for sharing that... it makes me a better person. I wish you both the best... I have a hunch everything is going to work out well despite bumps along the way.

Quote from: mrsdarcysays on February 12, 2016, 12:58:58 PM
What if he becomes a she... I mean I don't know if I can handle this embarrassment, no offense meant, but it would be embarrassing and humiliating to me.

As people challenge you and your special somebody... embarrassment will turn into indignation, and then into pride.  It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen if you want it to.

I just want to say I respect the fact that some  SO's  can't stay if their partner completely transitions. If my wife transitioned, I don't know if I could deal with keeping the relationship the same. I  would help her/him and still love them. I commend Mrsdarcysays  and Princessbuttercup for your caring attitudes. You genuinely seem to care about your SO even as you deal with your pain. I hope you find what you need. I think the real shame is the way our society forces this to be an embarrassing situation for anyone. If people felt free to talk about their gender questioning, we would have far less surprises deep into a marriage/relationship. Whether or not you stay with your partners, I hope Sparrow's thought will be true for you some day. If we love a person we should be proud of them however they look. I am still learning this for myself.
Moni

Quote from: sparrow on February 14, 2016, 07:20:41 PM
As people challenge you and your special somebody... embarrassment will turn into indignation, and then into pride.  It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen if you want it to.

HappyMoni!  Several of the comments that you made during this thread hit home for me.  I told my now ex wife "as best as I could" about  my feminine inclinations (in 1974).  She said she was ok with them and it appeared so at first, but then after a few years I could see that when I wanted to role play it was something that she didn't want to participate in.  I let it slide and did the best I could.  Then, in 1998, she told be that she had lied about being ok with it when I 1st came out to her. This was a shattering experience for me, but I should have seen it or probably did but didn't want to admit it to myself.  I knew our relationship was doomed then and again remained in denial.  We stayed together pretty much platonically for 13 yrs. and ultimately divorced for reasons not related to my trans self. It was then that I let myself be who I always knew I was and I am so much happier now than I could have imagined.

Your comment about wondering how you would react if the tables were turned was well intentioned, but remember - we could never imagine anything like this because alas we are not cis and will never have that capability.

Hugz!   

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 14, 2016, 08:24:06 PM
I just want to say I respect the fact that some  SO's  can't stay if their partner completely transitions. If my wife transitioned, I don't know if I could deal with keeping the relationship the same. I  would help her/him and still love them. I commend Mrsdarcysays  and Princessbuttercup for your caring attitudes. You genuinely seem to care about your SO even as you deal with your pain. I hope you find what you need. I think the real shame is the way our society forces this to be an embarrassing situation for anyone. If people felt free to talk about their gender questioning, we would have far less surprises deep into a marriage/relationship. Whether or not you stay with your partners, I hope Sparrow's thought will be true for you some day. If we love a person we should be proud of them however they look. I am still learning this for myself.
Moni

Oh, thank you for that! You're too sweet. I do genuinely care about my husband; but, he knows if he transitions to a woman, that I'll still be his friend and supporter, but won't be his wife. I've spent enough years focusing on me and learning who I am (took a forced relationship break for nearly 4 years after my divorce in order to find and know myself) to know that I can't be in an intimate relationship with a woman. It's just not who I am. Hopefully he doesn't need to go that far in order to find happiness and we can continue to live a happy, married life until we're very old.