I've come to the conclusion that transitioning is going to be the right thing for me.  When I'm out in girl mode I feel so free and at ease it's almost scary.  I find it very liberating. But....

I've read dozens (hundreds?) of posts from people who say they are scared to transition.  I'm actually not scared at all.  For me it's the right thing to do.  I'm tired of being sad all the time (not depressed, just sad of what could have been 40 years ago).  What I'm feeling is embarrassment.  Embarrassed that
1) I should be able to handle this... the term Man-Up, it just doesn't apply to me.
2) I'm somehow letting people down (Wife, my grown kids, parents)
3) To face the people at work (20+ years with the same people) (company is 100% LGBT friendly
4) I'm embarrassed for my wife who will be the topic (probably) of some whispering (she's works with the public)
5) My siblings who live i town will, undoubtedly, be the brunt of more whispering.
I could go on....

But I'm not scared, actually I'm excited a dream come true, just embarrassed.  Anyone else feel that way?

I think most people feel a complex mix of emotions as they contemplate public transition... fear, shame, embarrassment, guilt, hope, joy...

Yup.  I hate thinking about having conversations with people about my gender -- I expect them to perceive me as a man when I say things... and I get embarrassed about my femininity.  Gotta kill that internal misogynist.

Quote from: pj on February 12, 2016, 09:57:22 PM
But I'm not scared, actually I'm excited a dream come true, just embarrassed.  Anyone else feel that way?

I found the embarrassment fell away quickly. When I realized that being trans was just as worthy a way to be a human being than any other way, I lost my shame and developed a lot of pride. I generated a lot of anger and indignation toward anyone who would say otherwise. Now I'm quick to point out trans-shaming and cisnormative statements and attitudes.

I was raised in an English, working class, Catholic city. Embarrassment Is the fuel that get us through the day. just remember, whatever people are saying about you won't be even a tenth as bad as what you are think they are saying. You might even hear word like brave and courageous and 'Good for her'. Only one way to find out 

Thank you all.
  Suzi's line of

QuoteI lost my shame and developed a lot of pride

is what I'm trying to do internally.  The other thing I'm trying to do is rationalize that I've always been this way, just never showed it.

Thank's again to all.

For me I don't really feel any embarrassment.  I fully accept that I am what I am and don't care if somebody else through ignorance cannot accept it.  Nevertheless I do have a big fear of rejection and public ridicule.  One of these days maybe I'll get over it.


Sapere Aude

I was embarrassed, afraid and happy when I 100% came out at work and the following week when I expressed and changed my ID. Embarrassed and afraid left a day after each was done.

It's probably one of the most embarrassing medical issues there is. If I had to choose between dealing with transition or, say... monthly colonoscopies, I'd choose the colonoscopies. At least nobody will be constantly asking you if you really, really want a colonoscopy.

That said, in the end I just got over the embarrassment. As AussieSteph mentioned already, being a Brit means we learn to laugh at ourselves, and shrug it off. That may be a joke but it's also pretty true.

I'm not ashamed of any of it, only bracing for the inevitable procession of doctors I will need to see to "be myself".

Right now I have all kinds of feeling about transition.

Luanne

Quote from: pj on February 12, 2016, 09:57:22 PM
I've come to the conclusion that transitioning is going to be the right thing for me.  When I'm out in girl mode I feel so free and at ease it's almost scary.  I find it very liberating. But....

I've read dozens (hundreds?) of posts from people who say they are scared to transition.  I'm actually not scared at all.  For me it's the right thing to do.  I'm tired of being sad all the time (not depressed, just sad of what could have been 40 years ago).  What I'm feeling is embarrassment.  Embarrassed that
1) I should be able to handle this... the term Man-Up, it just doesn't apply to me.
2) I'm somehow letting people down (Wife, my grown kids, parents)
3) To face the people at work (20+ years with the same people) (company is 100% LGBT friendly
4) I'm embarrassed for my wife who will be the topic (probably) of some whispering (she's works with the public)
5) My siblings who live i town will, undoubtedly, be the brunt of more whispering.
I could go on....

But I'm not scared, actually I'm excited a dream come true, just embarrassed.  Anyone else feel that way?

Hi PJ.

Sounds like to me you got alot more going on than I do (I barely have a social life at all).

I know someone sorta on here who has to face similar predicaments as you do, which is why they aren't sure they should transition or not and feel embarrassed at the thought of actually going through it.

Even though I don't have as much going on as you two, I can relate to the embarrassment feeling. This is one reason I really am dying to relocate. But its very hard, if not impossible to, when I can only go to one dialysis center for treatment. Like, no other centers will accept me. I know why and I have to act more in control of my emotions so maybe they will change their minds someday. Might have a kidney by then. Who knows?

IMO, its much harder to transition around people who have known you previously as another gender. Just is....But I don't think its impossible.

Here are a few thoughts that might help you :

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204275.msg1816127.html#msg1816127


hugs

You are 100% correct about it being much harder to transition around people who have always known you as your previous gender (weird wording)... I think I get much more unsolicited advice from friends and family. Things from as simple as what color wig I should wear to something as major as what I should change my name to. I feel embarrassed wearing makeup, wigs and "womens" clothes in front of family and close friends because I feel they might be more judgmental about it than a stranger.

When I went to the wig shop to try on wigs, the lady who owned the shop was wonderful. I didn't even mention that I was transitioning, as I was in total boy mode. When I started trying on wigs, she said that with hair I look so much like a girl. In boy mode I have a shaved head. So I told her I told her that I have been doing HRT for about a little over 2 months and she just lit up and said I was coming along very well and then we had a ton of fun trying on dozens of wigs LOL.

I think I am rambling

Quote from: King Phoenix on February 14, 2016, 06:45:58 AM
Hi PJ.

Sounds like to me you got alot more going on than I do (I barely have a social life at all).

I know someone sorta on here who has to face similar predicaments as you do, which is why they aren't sure they should transition or not and feel embarrassed at the thought of actually going through it.

Even though I don't have as much going on as you two, I can relate to the embarrassment feeling. This is one reason I really am dying to relocate. But its very hard, if not impossible to, when I can only go to one dialysis center for treatment. Like, no other centers will accept me. I know why and I have to act more in control of my emotions so maybe they will change their minds someday. Might have a kidney by then. Who knows?

IMO, its much harder to transition around people who have known you previously as another gender. Just is....But I don't think its impossible.

PJ
Your situation with transitioning is so much like mine it's scary.
I also don't know how to handle work, friends and more distant
family members. They know me only as male and I find it
embarrassing the idea of dressing as a women around them.
I also am afraid of hurting my wife. She is struggling some right
now and going to start counseling.
I feel your struggle and pain with this.

Kath

I am in the same situation right now try to transition without my family knowledge. Since I am an independent contractor and contact with my employer over the phone. So I could show up at work with blouse and woman dress slack no one said anything yet.

Luanne

I am the same too. I am FtM, and I am transitioning very soon because I have to and this is a very good time in my life to. (after high school, before uni). and I am not scared of people rejecting me, what I AM is embarrassed. I can't just 'embrace' my transgender identity like a lot of people seem to, because to me I should be a CIS male not a trans male. I wish I could just hide for a year then come out completely passing, to me it is embarrassing having people know me beforehand. I basically just view my entire life I've had as a 'female' as embarrassing, because it is to me. I know a lot of this is about self acceptance but it's something very difficult for me.