So I mentioned in my post on chronic illness that I'm not out or able to transition at this time, though hopefully I'll be able to in the future. Because of my illnesses I live with my parents and am financially dependent on them (although I do work part time) and they don't have the slightest idea that I'm trans. I'm trying to get my health and my life together as much as I can so I can move out, but in the meantime I was wondering if any of you have advice on staying sane. There are so many things I want to do (change my wardrobe and my hair and shave the peach fuzz off my face, etc) but I feel like I can only do so much without arousing suspicion. Right now I'm trying to focus on changing my clothes because I dress very femme and it's depressing me, but other than that I don't know what I can do. There's some support groups in my area, but I'm afraid to go to them because I'll have to lie about where I'm going. I am seeing a therapist so that's something.

I don't know if my parents would kick me out or freak out if I told them I was trans but it seems like a safer option to wait until I'm more independent. At the same time, I get scared sometimes that that might take years or might not even be possible and then what will I do? I really don't want to feel like I'm stuck never being myself just because I can't move out.

Have your folks given any indication that they are uncomfortable with trans people?

Honestly, you'd be surprised how little people actually notice when you make tiny appearance changes. Unless your parents are the kind of people that are in your business and want to know what you're doing 100% of the time, they likely won't notice until you say something about it unless it's a drastic change.

If I were you, I would:

- Go to the thrift store and pick up some clothes that you like. Spend a little, get a lot. Plus everything is already at least a little worn in, so you can play off like it's something you've always had and just found in the back of your closet.

- If you do your own laundry, go to the store and buy men's underwear. You will feel a lot better.

- Buy some hair clippers and cut your own hair. Not only will it help you save money for other things, it's a built in excuse when you show up at the dinner table with short hair. "I bought a kit thinking I could do it myself, but whoops! Made a mistake and had to go this short to fix it."

- Get a binder and/or a packer. Nobody in my family noticed when I started wearing these. Unless they are in the habit of checking you out and commenting on your appearance, you should be fine. The packer is a little harder to explain if you don't want to mention being trans.

Is your therapist someone you would feel comfortable coming out to? If you do, I would. In addition to helping you deal with your feelings, they could also give advice on how to come out to your family.

I can't come out to my parents either. I'd be disowned by my family and my mom would have a heart attack on the spot and with her last dying breath would blame me... hahah i'm serious.... I say that because she had a heart attack and went to the hospital and then blamed it on me... So it's from experience.

Reaching out on here to stay sane is definitely a good start.

I'd say find something that gives you a little more identity. For me it is:
1.) my prosthetic/packer.
2.) I started working out a crap load and it has helped my appear a lot more masculine. *flexes*
3.) I learned how to make fake beards with crepe hair and spirit gum
3.) I started asking my friends to call me by my nick name and to not be like "hey gurl!"

I also have a loving girlfriend and a couple of supportive friends. I hope you have friends to confide in.

About your appearance...
I have super long hair... Like hippy long hair.... I know people don't think that's manly, but a lot of girly girls I know have short hair too, so it's just personal preference

Long Hair
Don't Care

lol

Hope that helps some.

I've been shaving my face for years. Nobody's ever actually noticed it, unless I told them.

Hi Jonathan! I'm sort of new here and trying to figure myself out, so don't think that my words are The Truth because they're not! I mean, I don't even know if I'm a male trans or not, so you seem to be waaaay ahead of me.
Living with family and doing life-changing things is quite tricky. I don't know your parents and maybe they're too nice and you just worry out of nothing. But my parents are somewhat nice, mother is overprotective, dad is too sexist and sometimes violent (verbally mostly). We were all living together when they found out that their daughter (me) was dating a woman, it was a disaster at first! And it wasn't easy or quick but we got past that. I'm single now, so I don't know how they are going to react if I dated another woman (I'm pansexual so I've had bfs too) but every once in a while I tell my mom about women I talk to and stuff like that. And we're all cool now!
About the transgender stuff, again, I'm clueless. I would try not to have legs and armpits and see if you get a masculine vibe with that. I personally do! But then some guys shave! So I guess it's actually up to you. Baggy clothes may help too, less make-up or no make-up, depending on your style and on how you're comfortable. FTMAX also made a valid point. And he actually said really interesting and useful things! 
Keep us posted! XO

Thanks so much for the tips, everyone! And I'm sorry to those of you who can't come out yet. I really hope we can all get there someday soon. FTMax, my parents don't really talk about trans people much, although my dad's said some ->-bleeped-<-ty things about someone he thought was a transwoman, saying stuff like that she was really a man. So it's clear he doesn't really get it. But it's hard to say in general because I think for them trans people don't really exist in their world. They've never had to actually interact with anyone openly trans before so their attitude seems to be more like "those weird people over there who I obviously don't understand at all" more than outright hostility. Oh and my therapist knows about me being trans, thankfully. That's why I started seeing her, lol.

Sometimes I get a bit paranoid that someone will notice if I try to do all the things I want to do, but at the same time I feel like I probably am being overly self-conscious. I actually did buy some men's underwear a month ago and then chickened out and returned it all, lol. But now I'm thinking, even if they saw my laundry would they really notice? My hair is already pretty short, but it's the kind of short that still reads pretty female. I'm not really sure what to do about that. I also try to avoid shaving armpits and leg hair because I am lazy, but it's getting to be summer soon and I've been harassed by people for not shaving before so... I think the main thing I need is clothes, but it is really hard to find masculine women's/men's clothes that fit because I'm very curvy. But I do most of my shopping at thrift stores so hopefully I can find something!

Oh, and T.K.G.W., that's awesome that you've been shaving your face for years and no one's noticed. Haha, that makes me feel braver about trying it.

For those of you who pack, does anyone else notice it or is it more about how it makes you feel?

Quote from: Jonathan L on February 16, 2016, 06:33:18 PM
For those of you who pack, does anyone else notice it or is it more about how it makes you feel?

It really depends on how you dress and what kind of people you're around. I wear pants that fit (not too tight, not too loose) with a very small packer, and there is a bulge there if you're looking for it. My parents have never commented on it, as it's not something they'd be looking at. My girlfriend notices almost immediately if I am or am not packing.

Quote from: Jonathan L on February 14, 2016, 07:37:25 PM
So I mentioned in my post on chronic illness that I'm not out or able to transition at this time, though hopefully I'll be able to in the future. Because of my illnesses I live with my parents and am financially dependent on them (although I do work part time) and they don't have the slightest idea that I'm trans. I'm trying to get my health and my life together as much as I can so I can move out, but in the meantime I was wondering if any of you have advice on staying sane. There are so many things I want to do (change my wardrobe and my hair and shave the peach fuzz off my face, etc) but I feel like I can only do so much without arousing suspicion. Right now I'm trying to focus on changing my clothes because I dress very femme and it's depressing me, but other than that I don't know what I can do. There's some support groups in my area, but I'm afraid to go to them because I'll have to lie about where I'm going. I am seeing a therapist so that's something.

I don't know if my parents would kick me out or freak out if I told them I was trans but it seems like a safer option to wait until I'm more independent. At the same time, I get scared sometimes that that might take years or might not even be possible and then what will I do? I really don't want to feel like I'm stuck never being myself just because I can't move out.

I feel you, being in the closet is hard. Even if your parents never know, the easiest way to feel a bit more comfortable is to have a good and supportive group of friends that will openly recognize you as male despite not appearing as such.

From there, I'd stick with Max's suggestion, thrift store clothes are easy to come by. It helps if you go for simple t-shirts and button ups that are neutral, I wore t-shirts and jeans for years because it felt less feminine. And dont wimp out on buying underwear having boxer briefs is awesome, or whatever type you'd like.

If honestly there was a way to find or help your parents understand what their feelings may be you could open up more around them. I know with mine that was certainly not the case and I would advise that you do not try to open up or you could end up suppressed more and it will get more depressing.

I know that might sound like harsh advice but it's best not to unless you know the reactions will be positive for sure

Well, I shaved my face and squared my sideburns today while my parents were out, lol. They haven't said anything so I don't think they noticed. I'm feeling rather triumphant Next step: clothes.

Someone's got to be looking real hard at your face to generally notice, and be right up close to you, too, probably.

Parents are never that close in my experience, to have paid such attention; or are really inclined to. The only people who might have noticed were girl colleagues at work that might have been checking me out for some reason. They certainly used to check out my dress sense and comment on it, so I half expected they would comment on my nice smooth face. But even then none of them noticed.

Even if they do just say you waxed it or something. What are they gonna do?

I think shaving faces is actually a thing some cis women do now too... apparently it's good for your skin P:

One of my cis friends was telling me that she shaves, actually, so that's partly what made me feel like I could handle it. I mean if she can do it, lol...