I don't even know where to start.
Let's just say I can totally identify with many transgender stories, and have known and worked with one too. Without a question, I am transsexual. And in a "perfect" world where everything goes smoothly and I have the resources to transition, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
But that is never the case.
This is terrifying! It always has been.
This ISN'T "going away". God knows how many times I have tried to push it aside and deny it, only to have it come back with more intensity in a very short time. I have ridden a roller-coaster of madness for my whole life. Too terrified to express who I want to be, angry at the world for it's ignorance, it's coldness, It's "rules" and it's definitions.
I gave into the mockery and intimidation. The negative comments and attitudes. Fear has always dominated my life. A sense of how everyone judges everyone. A lack of faith in humanity. I hid, assumed a "safe" identity as just some dude. But attitudes and comments still hurt even if they are not directed at you. I still perceive the world as quite hostile to trans. This scares me back into hiding. I can't deal with it.
I don't have much of a social life anyway. Not anymore. decades ago, I had substance problems, got involved with the "normal" 12 step prescription. Didn't work so well for me. believe me, i gave it a really good shot. I place that subculture behind me. But it did leave some very distorted concepts on people and social structures. There is a lot of dysfunction in 12 step circles despite all the attempts to "recover". Even active members can't dispute that one. 10,000 meetings, i know that culture well.
That is not the issue, nor is my substance abuse.
I have social difficulties. And over the years, I have almost given up on socializing and making friends. I just can't "connect" with people. I distrust everyone. I have extremely different viewpoints on the structure of society and the nature of reality. The subject matter that interests me is far from "mainstream". I "get along" fine with people. i don't get into fights. I just get bored with everyday "chit-chat". I don't get or do the normal "socializing" everyone else in the world seems to get so freakn well. Every time I go out to activities, I remain quiet and never connect with anyone. I always leave disappointed that I failed to make a new friend. It's like I speak an alien language or something.
Some place diagnoses on that like "autism" or something. But I really am skeptical and very suspicious of the entire institution of what we call "modern psychology". It's an embryonic science, and has a very LONG way to go to understand the human mind. And refuses to even a knowledge a soul. Though not religious in any way. i am deeply spiritual on my own. My viewpoint on the universe reads somewhat like a science fiction novel. I have been fascinated with science and philosophy since I was a small child. While other kids read comics, I read my mothers psychology grad school books. I grew up around "mental health". The DSM was bathroom reading in my house.
I have little respect for most "therapists" and synonyms. Might as well grab a random stranger off the street. A piece of paper proves only that they can navigate a college bureaucracy, and regurgitate what was pushed in their head.
So, yeah, I take psychology, psychiatry, medications ( of all kinds) with a very healthy dose of skepticism. I'm not one to just go happily running of with whatever "the man in the white lab coat" tells me. I consider myself just as much of a scientist and will finalize all the research myself, and only take that "experts" advice, and just advice.
But anyway, through my own years of research into my own body. I have concluded that I do have social and sensory issues whatever you want to label them. This seriously effects my ability to deal with modern urban life and get any personal projects done. I can't focus on a single thing. I have great dreams of software I want to write but I am too distracted to ever finish a single thing. I procrastinate everything. I hardly take care of myself. Every time I try to go out and run errands of do anything, I return in a very miserable mood. I have become a recluse.
I'm 45, I live with my retired father (he's 77). I'm single, never married, no kids. I don't work. I can't. For many reasons. I don't socialize. I don't like anyone I meet these days. Everyone out there bothers me. So I just stay home. Live in a private fantasy by myself, trying to forget live with my dad. Who, BTW, has his own issues that show me there is a genetic link. And though he is an open minded and accepting person, even has trans friends. I personally, find it FAR too uncomfortable to be anything but the 'MALE' I have been for 45 years. I just can't seem to bring myself to ever want to be female around him. And I live with him, but I'm too poor to move and I am too scared to live alone as a tran, especially any place I'd have to live if I'm poor. So I stay back in my room all the time, and wear baggy boy clothes on top of my feminine outfits at times when I briefly interact with him and go to the store. Otherwise, I am alone almost all the time.
When it comes to being "social" looking as a female. I have never done that. I have been a scared girl in hiding for decades. And I still don't have it "in me" to come out. Maybe because have no social life. I don't even have a means to support myself independently. I have lost all confidence in my abilities & so called "talents". That does not matter. i found can't "play the social game" properly, you lose in life. sorry, does not matter what you know or how well you know it, it's all who you know and how you interact with others. The socially skilled are the "successful" ones. And if you view the commonly accepted "social rules" as insane nonsense, just silly stage scripts people automatically regurgitate in common situations, cultural candy-coating, then you are out of luck.
Only the people who happily join in and sing along with whatever everyone else is doing will be smiled upon with success in life. Just "go along..." with whatever. To be social is best.... la la la... UGH!!!!!! The world pushes the miserable person down further as society collectivizes more and more, smothering, denying individual identity.
My current solution. idle until the physical vehicle gives out and I can get re-set into a new female body.
Not suicide. But Just giving up and waiting to die of natural causes, or cigarettes, whichever comes first.
Some of us just do not have it "in us" to transition.
