Ok, so over the years Ive had quite a lot going on in the last period: Uni (both BA and Masters Degree), learning to drive, dealing with depression and anxiety, insomnia, working out what I want to do etc and my gender issues have been sat at the back of my mind really, but always there.

In the last year I've made some massive strides. Ive joined a gym and Im competing in martial art (Judo and Karate, though I also study others, martial arts being my central hobby), I'm not on medication and Ive fixed my sleep pattern, Ive completed CBT and I cope a lot better with anxiety and my mood is overall more stable... thing is now that these things are all slotting into place and graduations coming up, Ive come to realize that my gender identity issues is actually a massive hole where I thought was only a tiny crack with some of my problems.

Lately, I've been thinking more and more about things to put in place if I did transition, rather than feeling happy just presenting in an androgynous or genderqueer manner: banking sperm for kids (I know I want them), how i would sort out legal papers and identification, things like that. I'm pretty sure a day will come where I'm going to have to stop running from this.

I hate my body most thoroughly. The only advantage I can see with being male is the physical strength benefit. Outside of that Im thoroughly repulsed. I often feel like I'm living a lie trying to present male. My family know Im trans but I get the feeling if I ever did anything about it they'd reject me.

I know I'd have to leave most my clubs if I did transition, the classes are all mixed ages, so I would most likely not be allowed around kids to save confusing them. I know the gym has mixed saunas, but I still dont think I could use a sauna or steam room with issue. I mean, I live near enough to get changed before going but still.

Ive finally gotten something resembling a life going after being a crippled depressive with alcoholic tendencies. Ive made friends, Ive got hobbies and things I love, and Im scared I'd lose all that and then go right back to square one with the depression if me transitioning meant losing that.

Transition throws up plenty of hurdles and problems that need solving, there's no doubt about it. Many of us find there is a lot to contend with but for the most part we deal with them a day at a time, some times as they arise or sometimes in advance. The problems don't all need solutions, the solutions all don't need have to be known and acted upon at once. The process of transition can take months or years it gives you time and opportunity to sort though things. I'd suggest you just enjoy where you are now - if and when you decide you may want to transition then please talk to a good therapist who can guide you through the process.

Hiya, Transition is a huge step to take and it's ok to be a bit terrified over it, i still am sometimes, but you are in the right place cause there's some really knowledgable people on here who can help. The main thing that i've been taught though is to enjoy it.
Sophie

for what it's worth, it's taken me 60 years to transition

Other than family who was 400 miles away I didn't have anything including a job when I started my transition. You shouldn't automatically discard everything in your current life because it is possible some of it will remain in your new life. An example is kids. They are very adaptable and the younger they are, the more accepting they are. Growing your hair out instead of wearing a wig and going to gender neutral clothes may result in a few questions but it shouldn't shock them. I would hate to be a member of a club or group that only accepts one gender. I feel both genders (having spent half my life in both camps) have something to offer and I welcome the mix of ideas.

In the end, you are doing this for yourself and not others. It will only tear you apart if you continue to please others and the expense of yourself.

i thought like you too that my gender issue is just a tiny little problem, but it'd come back at me every now and then, surprise me on various occasions and to my realization, it's not a tiny problem. it was me who buried it deep down. it's a scary thought to start with. as much as i read and watch countless educational videos, helpful books, it wouldn't help me. i'd keep running around in a circle with all the negative thoughts. so i start seeing a gender counselor at last, and also tell my parents i'm seeing the person. long story short, i came out to my parents after mid way hanging with my counselor. then another quarter, i got my letter of recommendation to start HRT. it's all a mystery after that.

i think for most of the time, we overthink ourselves. i did think a lot about starting HRT means i have to give up whatever i love, even the people i love because they won't support me no more.
people simply won't allow me to join others anymore to save others confusion and a lot more troubles because i'm just "a weird thing". honestly since i start HRT, everything changes. the things i used to enjoy a lot before i was on hormones, wouldn't be that enjoyable anymore. my hobbies literally change overnight. my people supported me even though they still have a hard time wrapping their heads around.
i don't know if it's just me, or it's the same for other people. but the way you look at things change. it maybe just as well a good thing? it's terrified but it'll be worth it. see if you can get to meet a gender counselor and he/she help you out on whatever way you choose, transition or not.