I wasn't sure where to post this topic/vent; so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place and feel free to move it.

I was watching the Danish Girl last night not expecting to like it and well; I ended up seeing a lot of myself in the main character. The way Lili looked at female clothes knowing she how much she earned to wear them but knowing she's not allowed because she's seen as a man. This is how I felt after realising I was trans and wanted to be known as male. Gradually I felt strongly that I liked fem clothes and remembered the times growing up as a girl how I liked some of the feminine aspects.
I kind of suppressed it though because I disliked how my ex kind of looked at me about mentioning this stuff, not in a mean way, just in a aww isn't that cute you're strange sort of way. I remember we were at a shopping centre and I finally worked up the courage to mention if we got married I'd like to wear a dress. To which she said that wasn't going to happen and I could see that would embarrass her. It felt like she stabbed me in the heart, I was almost crying but I don't think she noticed becaused we moved on to other topics fairly quickly. I have yet to mention this to her. How could I. Only recently I told her how she made me feel when I said I liked fem clothing and she said she was sorry. I also told her I wish I could wear women's clothes recently as well (before I just sort of implied this stuff). I don't know why I was so nervous to tell her. She answered saying I could wear whatever I want; clothes are clothes. Sort of relieved but I also wanted to tell her I didn't think of myself as 100% male simply to get it off my chest and see what her reaction would be but I didn't get the opportunity. I hate how she doesn't realise how much I'm suffering about this stuff, it's not some whim.
Finally around Xmas time I finally got the courage to buy lipstick but it made me look too much like a woman and was too noticeable anyway (I live with my dad and brother who would not be pleased). I also bought some skirts and jeggings. As soon as I put them on paired with my mens black tshirt I felt great; like a weight that had been building up had been lifted. But I had to take it off after a min in case anyone saw and I only would want to put it back on if I was living on my own and free of judgement. Just knowing they're there helps me not to feel that longing as much.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. I just hate feeling slightly agender. I wish I'd never seen that film and brought this to the forefront of my mind again. Yes you can tell me being this way is fine but I have enough to deal with. It would be so much easier if I was 100% male, with no leeway at all.
I'm pretty sure I'm happy on T (I'm only just over 3 months so early days). I love how my brain feels calmer and I have less dysphoria. I like how my face is looking squarer so I won't be seen as female. I love how much deeper my voice now is so I have so much more confidence to talk because my voice doesn't squak and sound female.

But while I feel happy when I'm being referred to with male pronouns I feel that gender neutral ones might suit me best. I also dislike my social status being MR instead of Mx (the gender neutral alternative for the UK). But I can't change it to that because then everyone will know I'm trans and I'll be bombarded with questions. Am I ever going to be confident expressing my agender side in public. I hope I will but maybe I'll never have that courage. I see myself in the future looking like a masculine man physically but wearing typically womens clothes. And I feel so happy imagining that but I'll probably be too nervous of the consequences. I have an undercut and I'm growing out my fringe because it's more feminine, so hopefully that'll help build my confidence.

I just want to feel comfortable but my gender identity and cycles of depression always get in the way. Maybe I'll always be this way and simply have to learn to live it; similar to bipolar which has no cure only treatments. I wish we lived in a gender less world.

I miss leggings as well I'm kinda jealous of your confidence to wear jeggings. Also, there's probably some cis women about that use Mx, but not many men i suppose, so you're more likely to be mistaken for a 'political' ( ) female, rather than a trans person? I don't know if that bothers you more or less.

I feel fairly similar to you actually, i've been getting rid of most of my old 'female' day-to-day clothes but there are a few things that i want to keep - graduation dress and things like that - even if i won't wear them again, mostly because they're too dressy for every day and i don't go out much. At the moment, everyday 'male' clothes don't bother me because they're relatively new, though i do get this irrational disappointment looking at really femme girls, a sort of, "aw i won't do that again" - even though i rarely wore makeup or dressed up at all before i decided i was kidding myself and started to transition. And even when i did i was always disappointed with it so i'm not actually losing anything, i just feel left out? it's a bit confusing lol

The way i simplify it is there are different kinds of dysphoria - physical and social - and physically i am (or would be) male, socially i identify more as agender because i don't think clothes or occupations have a gender. it's just that with the body i have the wrong clothes erase my real gender too much.

the only thing i would never ever miss is bras or having a chest. even if some 'femme' clothes are designed for one.

Thanks Peep . I hadn't thought of the political connotations of using Mx. Just how when I start work at a new place in the future and am passing more and more confident about socialising with guys; I suspect they'll start asking questions about my social title. I'd rather blend in than help my slight dysphoria with my name.
Like you before I knew I was trans I never wore really girly clothes because I didn't like how I looked or being perceived as female. And I have that same sort of jealous when I see girls clothes. Good to hear another guy has the same feelings; I guess I'm not a freak after all .
I hadn't thought of the different types of gender dysphoria being related to gender identity. Maybe like you socially I'm agender but physically I'd rather have a male chest; although I'm not sure about bottom surgery yet.
I happened upon this randomly on tumblr which cheered me up a bit

http://serpentenial.tumblr.com/post/139447538168/my-submission-for-samgenderzine-i-wanted-to

I've used Mx sometimes. But then sometimes I use "reverend" and "Lord" on my mail. Keeps things from getting too boring eh.

I sometimes use Mx because I'm not confident enough for Mr but i don't want to use miss. If you buy a square foot of land in the Scottish Highlands you can use Laird

Yes gender pretty much is BS, a lot of it is a social construct but there are also innate and biological aspects that makes it a fairly massive feature in the human landscape.

I used to use Dr on fairly innocuous things, but then got worried someone might think I was a medical doctor if there was ever an emergency. Dr is great because it is gender neutral but makes you sound important at the same time!

As for your main point Elis, where you are now need not be where you are in a year, or five years or ten... keep your options open and keep using your support networks, talking to a councillor and see how that guides you.

Hi Elis.

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time being free to express who you truly are on the inside without judgement. I definitely relate to you. I do not present myself as an overtly machoman simply because I identify as male. I still like alot of female things that were not forced onto me. Because of that, I identify as genderqueer too. Though I try not to give in to these female things because I think they get me annoyingly misgendered sometimes. Like crossing my legs like a woman usually does to take up less space. I sometimes find this position more comfortable than how guys cross legs with the box-shape to take up more space. But I resist to do this in public because I am sick of being misgendered as a woman. Like I seen two big paramedic males come inside my dialysis center and ask eachother if I was "Miss so-and-so." I wanted to do something to correct them but was so exhausted from my treatment that I didn't care to bother.

Sometimes I like to wear unisex or male earrings and bracelets. But I sometimes fight the urge until I get on T because I think I will less likely be mistaken as female. I haven't worn a dress in over two years. But I do like little accessories, I like dyeing my hair, I want to grow my hair out and I might even wear guyliner (eyeliner for guys) because I just don't give a duck anymore.



-Phoenix

Sorry to hear about your troubles.  No everything is not perfect for me, but I don't feel a deep dysphoria like many of the folks here, just a gentle sort of longing sometimes.  And I have a wife that is so supportive of me.  I do feel frustrated by gender labeling and the notion that you are a ______ and so you must do _______ and you cannot wear _____.  Sometimes I feel like people are quick to label here, but I understand that it's intended to help point people into the direction of finding fellowship, support and inspiration. 

I do try to defy conventions a little, wearing long hair, lots of jewelry, polished fingernails in a very conservative business environment.  But I fall short of being an activist or anything like that, perhaps being more of an annoyist, safely poking at conventions but keeping a lifeline back to traditional gender definitions (I often tell people that I polish my nails because it costs $5 more for a shiny buff than for polish with a manicure). 

I hope that things get better for you.  The world is definitely changing, and for the better.  Let's all try to live long enough to see the really good stuff!