I've dealt with sever disphoria and depression untill I started expressing myself. Now a ton of the disphoria has gone after I started talking intimately with a few gay friends that have always thought I was hot(until months ago I was straight and they never hit on me). Now they want weekends in hotels and such.

I'm not sure if the disphoria has dissipated because I'm expressing myself as I feel or if it's because I'm expressing myself as gay with my gay friends, or if it's that I'm getting all this attention.

I mean for the first time in my life I'm being pursued. I've always hated being the man and having to pursue a female. Being I've always felt very feminine I've always wanted to be pursued. So what's the reason my disphoria has lessened so much.

My fear is that I'm gay and not trans. My therapist said it's normal but she always tells me what I want to hear. I'm starting HRT by the end of the month and I'm afraid I'm just gay and not trans. But I've always dressed and that's always decreased the disphoria. It's just such a contrast in disphoria I'm afraid I'm just gay. Is it possible that being gay will hold off transitioning? Can I be happy just being gay and not transition? I've never wanted to transition but it feels so good doing the girly things. Why is everything such a conflict within myself. Will that always be me? Will HRT help any of this? More questions than answers. Lol

Thoughts???

Disclaimer:
Sry for the ramble I never worry about grammar on here. Figure if i just get it out readers will see more of my mentality and might relate with something that grammar would have otherwise withheld.  Lol

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For one thing, you need a new therapist.
Secondly, you need to take a break. From everything. Maybe for a few days, or however long it takes. Where you don't talk to your gay friends, or do girly things. Then truly evaluate yourself, what you like and dislike. I mean, for all you know, you could be a gay ->-bleeped-<-. But my point is, only you know who you are. And to find yourself it really seems like you need that break. A non-biased take-away from it all.

Hope this helps. And good luck! 

Any step forward will lesson your discomfort for a while. Coming out, seeing a therapist, starting HRT, passing in public and many others will make you comfortable for a while. The problem is the effect the small steps have fade and you will return to your state of discomfort. Gender identity and Sexual preference are independent of each other so being transgender is not dependent on your Sexual preference.

I know at least two transwomen who identified as gay before realizing that gender was the issue; and several transmen who first identified as butch lesbian.  Some "gay" people are homoflexible, and will be willing to stay with a transgender partner through transition.  Homosexual-identified people frequently have interests that are more aligned with a gender that they don't identify as, and they often express their sexuality through gender nonconformity.

The real question is what you're comfortable with.  Six months ago, if I thought that I could get along without HRT and without transitioning, then I'd have skipped all that.  Today, I have almost zero dysphoria, and I often wonder how I'd be doing if I'd gone the nontransitioning route.  But then I look back and remember how I felt pre-HRT, or how I felt when I put my boy clothes on to renew my visa... transition is the right thing for me to do.

Like I said in the OP, theirs always more questions for myself than answers. I like men, and I fantasize about being with men but never have. I'm getting exited by being pursued by men but I don't get off to the porn like I do looking at women. (I'm mostly identifying as bi right now)

Yes I'm transgender. This I know for sure. Have been my whole life and will always be. So that really isn't the question. Depression and disphoria dropped like a rock when I started under dressing on the daily. I've always been more feminine and fantasized about having breasts and a vagina. So I know without a doubt it's not a  ->-bleeped-<- thing. I'm transgender more transexual and that's not the question.

I guess the real question is have any of you held of transition by just being yourself and become comfortable in your skin. I hear that a lot and I wished it were possible before now. Now that I'm expressing myself more gay with gay friends I feel less disphoria and think/hope this decrease can be permanent just by being gay.

I would love more than anything to walk and talk and BE and be seen as a women, but I don't want the half way there discrimination. so is being gay going to be good enough?

When I posted the OP I had great promise for that. Now the cloud nine feeling I had then has kinda worn off and I'm not thinking so. As I sit here with my waist cinching corset, bra, and panties on under my man clothing... Lol

By the way your comments are always more than expected. I've heard on more accounts than I can think of that I need a new therapist and this is the last recommendation I will ignore. I know my sexuality is a separate function from my gender but it really felt good for a bit there. For almost a year I think I've felt HRT was my light at the end of the tunnel and for a sec it felt like it didn't need to be anymore. I will give HRT a try and hopefully it will give me light and pull me from the perpetual depression. I've also been told I'm not bipolar and had medication for such and it did nothing. Sadly another failed attempt at a normal life.

Please people give me some more hope!!!   Please...

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You will have to decide what you need but for me, the combinations of therapy, HRT, RLE and surgery ended once and for all the discomfort I had felt for years. I am 33 years post surgical and have never regretted my decision and I enjoy life wanting it to go on forever. If done right you will become pretty comfortable in your skin before surgery. Even without blocker and T still flowing inside me, RLE made me comfortable enough with myself that I could survive without surgery. Surgery was the frosting on the cake and was the last of my old life and the start of my new one. Give therapy, HRT and RLE a shot and if it fails to work, you can return to your old life and try something else.

One thing is for sure and that is you won't find an answer if you don't try. I knew what the answer was at the start but I couldn't be sure of it until I traveled the road of transition.

In my recent admission to myself about attractions I have had in the past.
I think of a gay male friend of mine, I actually kinda liked a little.
Once there was a discussion about breasts, he just could not see the interest or value in them at all.
I on the other hand think they are amazing. I agree with an ex-girlfriend (I'm bi-whatever label, I go on a case by case basis)... She loved breasts too, said "they make clothes look better!" , she meant from the woman looking at herself in the mirror perspective. I couldn't agree with her more.
It not just about clothes or who I'm having sex with though.
When "hangin with the guys", generally, I am bored to tears.
My most fun times hanging with friends, those friends have been female.
I just feel more relaxed and at ease with women.

into "girly" things, but what is "girly"?
There is a notable difference in things males & females are interested in ....kinda....

I've had to go on some very extensive personal spiritual journies to answer that question, seeking the truths of the eternal cosmic male & female, just to answer "what is girly?", then I realized I was sitting there in yoga pants with some breast forms in, seeking connection with Bhrama. (just joking, not saying anything about yoga or people who are into yoga, I had breast forms on just for the heck of it)

Anyway, Dena said it better than me.

Quote from: AshleyE on February 22, 2016, 05:44:18 PM
I know my sexuality is a separate function from my gender but it really felt good for a bit there.

I really think that this is a fairly reductive statement.  We so often hear "oh does this mean that you're gay?"  The motivation for the question is that stereotypes tell us that gay guys are feminine and lesbian gals are masculine... people have trouble wrapping their heads around a change of gender, so they equate "transwoman" with "feminine man" with "gay man," and entirely miss the point.  So we use the phrase "gender isn't sexuality" as a shield.  It's a great kneejerk response, it's memorable, and it's simpler than the truth.

A funny thing happened around the time that I started transitioning.  A random thought occurred to me... a kind of a "what if" scenario where I was caught in the boys' locker room by a man.  Before I knew it, I had a particular man in mind, and the scenario took a pleasant turn.  I've been bisexual as long as I can recall, but I've always liked skinny, hairless and effeminate boys.  This man is a man's man... tall and hairy and muscular.  This was the first time I'd fantasized about being the "conquest."  Since then, I've found myself evaluating men on a completely different set of criteria (don't get me wrong, twinks are still lovely, but mmm... farmboys).

A girlfriend of mine identifies as a lesbian and hasn't ever been interested in men, but she says that having a straight man attracted to her would somehow validate her femininity.  A good number of transfeminine folk experience something similar.  Not all, not most, but enough.  The link between sex and gender is real... but there are no rules.  It sounds like you're experiencing some of that, too.  Don't fight it!  Observe your feelings and thoughts and actions, and don't judge them to be wrong just because they don't fit a canned kneejerk response that we use.

I'm going to share a little more of my gender experience, because it sounds like you might be happy identifying as nonbinary.

When I started to seriously consider whether or not I was transgender, I thought that I had two options: be a man, or be a woman.  I oscillated between the two.  Presenting as a woman required a huge amount of work, and I wasn't even remotely happy with the results.  Gradually, I started to make compromises between possibility and desire, and I've found a happy medium.  I identify as nonbinary, in part because I experience a lot of genderfluidity, but mostly because I'm freed from defining myself. 

It's not uncommon for a person to identify as nonbinary for some portion of their transition.  Others will just settle on a nonbinary identity and find peace there.  For me, a nonbinary identity gives me freedom from definition, freedom from prescribed gender roles, freedom from passing.  And of course, there are plenty of gender-nonconforming transwomen and transmen and there's nothing wrong with that... but this is what works for me.