Galaxy, please... give any decision a day, a week, a month, or a year. Then postpone it again. Sometimes it's all we can do to just make it to the next day. Your life can get better. I've been there.
I tried suicide on two occasions over thirty years ago and after the second failure I had an epiphany telling me that I would never go there again. I became determined to beat this thing once and for all. But 16 months ago my husband told me he was leaving me for a "real woman." Up until then, I wasn't aware that ANYTHING was wrong. We didn't fight and we only had five minor arguments during our entire time together. He was the only person in the world I thought to whom I could tell anything. We'd been together for 24 years. He left me holding a loaded shotgun in my mouth and hid his Harley at the neighbors house while he left for the night in his truck to stay somewhere else. He didn't call or tell anyone that I might kill myself. I sat there sucking on the barrel and sobbing for two hours before I decided to call my mother and tell her to postpone her planned trip to visit me the following week. She could tell that I was upset and I told her that I had a loaded shotgun, that Paul was leaving me, and that I couldn't make it financially. I thought my life was over. She told me, "Honey, if you do this, that bastard will win. He'll get everything you have left." And that's what pulled me out of it. I'm not a loser. I'm a winner. So, even though that was not a real suicide attempt, it is probably the lowest I have ever felt in my life. And I will never to THERE again either.
I was forced to quit working by three physicians in 2008 due to physical limitations. I literally can not work my way out of this. I do have a fixed income but inflation will eat that up in fifteen years or so. So, I've developed a financial strategy to move forward. It involves cutting my expenses to the bare bones, paying down the mortgage in the short term, refinancing when the time is right, and then start saving like crazy for when I'll need it down the road.
I know you aren't talking finances here, but finances are the trigger for me to get depressed. If I have jingle in my purse, I'm generally okay. I'm past the pains of transition. But I too was there, where you are once.
I had absolutely no changes from HRT prior to my transition. And I've had not much since. On the morning of my GRS, I wacked off one last time. I had an overwhelming sex drive which drove me absolutely batty. That depressed me on the best day of my life! I had BA in 1986 and they have encapsulated some. I never did develop attractive nipples. But I probably grew a little bit in the following years. My face changed a bit to be more feminine and my skin became softer. I still have a skinny butt made worse by five corrective surgeries from a botched operation on my behind in Chile when I was doing the Mormon cult missionary thang.
There are things about myself that I still don't find attractive. I'm 5'10" but I'm not afraid to wear heels when appropriate. I have broad shoulders so I find tops that look cute on me. Bell sleeves help there. My waist and hips are about the same size. So I've found a brand of jeans that work great for my body shape (thicker waist and narrow hips.) I've posted this before but they are NYDJ. A little pricey but they last a long time. My hair is thinning from age so I've found ways to cut and style it to look nice. I look ghastly in a dress so I don't wear them. I use a light layer of dark shadow blush (brownish) toward my ears and under my jowl. I then smooth it out with a touch of powder the same shade as my skin. This gets rid of some of the old male left in my face. And most importantly, I've lost a lot of weight. I'm probably a bit under where I should be for my height and body shape. My doctors aren't concerned. That helps more than you can ever know. I've found that many women share some of the same physical features if they are skinny.
So, you don't like the way you look. You do have other redeeming qualities though, am I right? You are likely kind, a good listener, generous to others. You probably are a good solid worker and make your own way. Here's the thing. Your appearance won't be an issue down the road. You'll learn to accept what you have. Your other qualities are what matter in the long run. People will value for who you are and not what you look like. Good looks are a shallow excuse for a husband to leave his loving wife and commit adultery.
I've known other trans women who have offed themselves. I knew others who were beaten to death or died from AIDS. All were a great loss to me even though we weren't the best of friends. The world would have been a better place with them in it for many reasons. Some of them were very pretty. But their value was not based on their looks.
You are unique. The fact that you were born in the first place means you are a winner. Think of how many hundreds of those little spermatozoa were competing for that egg. You were the one that beat all the others. Yes, A WINNER.
One of the things I learned when I was working on my MBA is the 80/20 rule. The rule is based on the assumption that a whole lot of minuscule problems are in the 20 percent of the sum. That means by solving just a very few problems, you can knock out 80 percent of the total sum. Now the numbers aren't hard and fast. But take an honest look at your life. List your problems. Find the two or three that make up that 80 percent of your mental burden. Put your looks aside for the moment. Work on that 80 percent. Write some goals. Create objectives to meet those goals. Imagine a post it note attached to your forehead with those objectives written on it. Focus on those. You can get through the tough times by focusing and working on these things.
We all feel depressed from time to time. That's what GID is. Very few of us are exempt. It is those feelings that drive us to a better life. We're here to help. Please. Live for us. Learn to cope and share your experiences for the next group of people going through the same thing. Your life will be enriched by the process. And you will save someone else's life. Isn't that worth living for?
Remember... YOU ARE A WINNER.
Chin up, okay?
Hugs.
Cindi
