It's weird, but it feels like things I thought I had come to grips with are bothering me again. I'm not out to anyone yet, and I'm trying to get myself to a position where I'm ready to transition. There are a few things holding me back that I need to get over before I can proceed, but now it feels like things I'd thought I'd worked through are bothering me again.

I think it might be a combination of two things:

1) I'm moving back to the US from overseas next week and before I was able to sort of comfort myself with the fact that I can't do too much before then anyway, now that it's becoming more real maybe that's just scaring me.

2) I'm getting close to the point where I told myself I would begin telling my family, and this is really  scaring me. I'm not worried that they're going to disown me or anything, but it would definitely change our relationship and I don't know how much or in what direction and that scares me.

Part of me is trying to tempt myself back into denial. It's like there's a little voice in the back of my head saying "look what a great role model you could be if you stay male, look at how much others will respect you, etc."
I'm also starting to think things like "Why are you obsessing so much about becoming female? this is something small children do effortlessly."

I don't know, I also get into weird logical pretzels over the fact that I don't particularly want to be trans* yet I seem to know that I need to move forwards. A few months ago this would have caused a lot of anxiety, now it's just annoying. So I guess I have made some progress.

Any advice or wisdom out there?

I don't think very many of us want to transition, it's something that we just have to do to make our lives a lot easier. Now that's a joke. The words transition and easier in the same sentence because transitioning is anything but easy as we know!!

We fear things that we don't know or understand. We don't know what's going to happen when we tell others and that's where our fear comes in. Our fear makes us want to give up and stay the way we  were and in turn we are agitated, sad and depressed and fighting our inner self for control of, well, us!

You're right in that until you are back in the USA, there isn't much point in doing much and doubt is creeping in. See, telling family, unknown and as a result, fear building up.

We are all, in many ways, role models already. We are role models to others if we transition, role models to others if we don't. I suppose the model you want to be remains with you or how far you want to go.

From what you have written though, I must agree you have made some progress. You state that a few months ago, you would have had all manner of anxiety and now it's just annoying. That's good. I'd rather be annoyed as opposed to anxious any time.

Try not to sweat it. Things will happen when they happen and for a reason.

I wish you luck and inner peace with the decision you make and inside, you'll know it was the right one.

Love,
Clare

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on February 24, 2016, 04:35:25 PM
Any advice or wisdom out there?

Yes. It gets harder when it starts getting real. There was a point where it I was starting to take steps that I couldn't undo - coming out to people, taking enough estrogen to get breasts, changing my name, etc. But I hadn't yet started enjoying the wonderful fruits of being myself, so it felt very dangerous and risky. The risks were obvious, the payoffs were distant.

All I can say is that I'm really glad I went ahead with it.

You're just scared. If you believe transitioning offers you the greatest prospect of happiness, then give yourself a chance to attain this happiness, because regardless of what you do, everything resolves in the same way.

I was several years into my journey, which also entailed needing to work way out of state. My wife's and mine prayers were answered when an old boss called and asked if I wanted a job    As much as the thought of finally being able to move back home, be with my wife again, and have a totally fun job I was also in dread.

The absolute last thing I wanted was to backslide. I was terrified that in spite of all the personal growth and development I achieved that it would fade away being back in the old neighborhood. Somewhat, I guess, like a prisoner released from a 10 year sentence. Go back home, fall into the old routine, old friends, old activities. All that stuff that eventually landed you in jail. It would also mean a major hit to my lifestyle as the old neighborhood is not trans friendly. PC on the outside as they dream and plot your slow and painfilled death.

My days of part-time living will need to be put on the back burner. My job, as much fun as it is challenging, would also be a great diversion/distraction from my GD. As too my semi-invalid, oft times severely depressed wife and caring for her needs and being her health care coordinator. All so easy to let Joanne die a long slow lingering death as she gets stuffed back into the deepest cell in the deepest dungeon of my soul, once again.

Three years later, I still live every day in fear of it. Always watchful for the signs it is happening.