Hi everyone.
I just wanted to let you know a little about my life's story. 35 years old, & excited to be a part of this community and hear about your experiences. Me personally, my story started with me being the only boy in my family. I for that reason grew up around women and their clothing. I started experimenting with dressing in women's clothing as a teen, doing things like wearing my sisters bra (with oranges for breasts), & dressing in my cousin's mom's panties and lingerie. I remember the extreme sense of pleasure I got from dressing in frilly feminine clothing, a feeling that is still strong in my memory to this day. Me and that same cousin fooled around a few times by touching each others genitals, but never went any further. In the later years of my puberty I stopped dressing and fooling around with other men. I basically convinced myself that it all meant nothing. Things kept going in this direction until I moved off the college. I started college later than most (21), & had generally been considered a very good religious boys. I had fooled around with a few girls in high school, but never went all the way. When I started college, I started meeting more people of different sexual orientations, which made me question who I was as a person. Even though I had fondled my cousins genitals, I never considered myself gay. Because of this confusion, I decided to challenge myself by experimenting with men, just to see if I truly was heterosexual. I tried having sex with a few men, & while I enjoyed pleasuring men orally, I found myself repulsed by the male body.
This led to me realizing that I wasn't really attracted to men, so I needed to see how I felt with women. The first time I had sex with a woman was when I was 24. She was decently attractive, and willing to help me lose my virginity. After we did it a few times, I realized that I really didn't find any pleasure from having sex with women in the male dominant position, which confused me because while I loved the pleasure I received from male on male sex, I was turned off by the male physique. It really led to me wondering if I would ever be able to find a partner with whom I could be intimate, & give and receive pleasure from. I liked the male anatomy, but the female body. The first time I dated a Transgender woman, & made love to a transgender woman, I finally found what was missing from my life. She was incredibly feminine in every way, she just preferred to be the aggressor in bed. After that wonderful eye opening experience with a transgender woman, I eventually moved & a year later got married to a cis woman, feeling that all of those "experimental feelings/emotions" would go away. Since getting married my sex life has been basically non-existent, which could be in part due to my naturally low T (195). I for the longest time wondered why I wasn't good at sexually fulfilling my wife, thinking that maybe something was wrong with me. What I have eventually come to realize is that mentally I am a submissive female, a feeling that I have suppressed for many years. I have always been a very compassionate, emotional person, who is attentive to others needs and emotions. These are characteristics that are generally associated with feminine individuals, not aggressive males full of T. After trying to ignore these thoughts and concerns for the past 5 years, I have come to realize that's it's time to find a body that matches who I am on the inside. I'm planning to start HRT within the next 6 months, though I am concerned about where that will leave me and my love life. Right now I prefer a good cuddle over sex, unless we get (very) intimate. I know I have read many women on hrt say that their sex drive goes down with hrt, but mine is already so low that I'm afraid I won't be able to please another women, which with me being a transgender lesbian I would think is important. While I could fill that submissive role for a male partner easily, my lack of attraction to men makes that unrealistic.
Thus, I'm left at this difficult crossroads. I want to transfer my body to that of a beautiful woman, but I'm afraid what that will leave me with in terms of dating, sex, & relationships. Impotence scares me. I love the feminine body, but love the male anatomy, which I know runs counter to most transgender women's feelings. If estrogen makes me impotent, the only option I will be left with is srs, which I'm not sure I want to do.
Also, there is the issue of my wife. We have come to accept a life with a non-existent sex life. But I would like something better for both of us. I'm just not sure how to tell her I'm a woman on the inside, & want the body to match. Her passive anti-lesbian feelings and passive female preference means our marriage will be dead. It's always hard feeling that you have let someone down.
Anyway, sorry for rant. Just needed to get that off my chest. Nice to meet all of you. Look forward to talking.
