Hello all

It's been ages since I posted on here, but I have found myself reading through posts relating to post op experiences to find insight into what I am currently experiencing.  I had my SRS/GRS wth Dr Suporn on the 7th of Dec and I will soon be 3 months post op.  I have no regrets.  I have been transitioning for 4 years and it was the right time for me to have the op.  I didnt want to be on Anti androgens for the rest of my life.  I was also very over the whole tucking thing and was starting to feel very uncomfortable when naked in front of my boyfriend.  I wanted to draw a line under my transition and move on with my life.

The surgery went well and I had a very minor complication.  I have suffered with pain more or less constantly since week 2, but I dont think it is anything out of the ordinary. I am trying to reduce pain meds and this has been successful as I have cut my dose of Tramadol in half over the past 6 weeks or so. However........ I feel dreadfully depressed.

I think like other girls who have posted on here, I was expecting to feel elated and over the moon but I dont.  I had hoped to be looking for work in the next few weeks, but I do not feel ready to get a new job just yet.  I am an Occupational Therapist and was working as a locum prior to my surgery, so I had to quit before I went to Thailand.  This means I will have to start afresh in a new job and obviously I have to be fit and well to do this.  It is not as if I can return to an existing job and have reduced hours etc.  I have to be able to function 100% from day 1. 

I have had a pretty rough few months both before and after surgery.  To put it in a nutshell..
- my boyfriend got sick with ulcerative colitis and was hospitalised last September.  He was off work for 6 weeks.  When he retuned to work he was made redundant.  We couldn't prove it was because of his illness. 
- I had to quit my job to prepare for surgery in Thailand.
- we were unable to meet the rent and was forced to move 1 month before my surgery date.  We relocated 200 miles from where we had been living to be near the rest of my family.  We borrowed money to pay for 6 months rent in advance and found a small house.
- My bf came with the Thailand so he was unable to look for work.
- When we returned home I was told my dad had a rare form of bone cancer. I was devastated.
- My b/f became ill again was was taken into hospital for another week.  I was on my own at home.  I couldnt ask my folks for help as they were dealing with my dads illness.  I was struggling to drive to the hospital to see my bf.
- we are now both on state benefits and have little money.

Fortunately my bf is making a good recovery and is on new treatment that is going well.  We hope he can look for work soon.  I on the other hand feel very unhappy and extremely depressed.  I have had to cope with all of the above and try to recover from my own surgery.  Not to mention dilation and pain etc. I feel disgusting and unattractive. I hate myself. I am fed up and worn down by the daily hum drum of dilation.  I have no life.  I dont know anybody else down here and I spend all day at home watching netflix.  Money is a constant worry although my folks have offered to help.  I can't abide the idea of taking money from them when dad is so unwell. 

I have had a blood test to check my hormone levels as I feel extremely flat somedays.  Either that or im balling my eyes out. I try not to bother anyone as I never have anything good to say when people ask how I am doing.  I guess what I need to know is that it does get better?  I think my depression is a mixture of recent life events, surgery, hormone imbalance and pain meds withdrawal. Its all too much.

Sorry to rant on but I just really needed to vent.  I know some of you know what post op depression is like.  Any advice or words of encouragement would be awesome.  I dont want to be so negative as my surgical results are really good, and I know my new vagina is going to look great and work well for me.  It is just so very difficult to see the positive stuff right now.

Thanks for reading
Jo
x

I'm at 2 months post-op. The first month was definitely difficult for me, but it has improved. I suspect all those other circumstances in your life are really keeping you down.

What's keeping me going are my friends and chosen family, if not in person, then virtually. Eating food that I usually enjoy is also important for me.

I hope the best for you and your family!

I lost my job a month after surgery and found myself pretty much in the same position you are in. I had to borrow money to live and I spent several days beating the pulp out of my pillow and crying. After I got the anger out of my system, I picked up the want adds and starting looking for another job. It was months without a job or company because I was living alone but I was able to put my life back together again. I know it looks pretty bad right now, but you have a plan and if you use half the strength you used to transition, you should have no problem putting your life back in order again.