I haven't posted for a while.

I am awaiting for me first GIC appointment on the 8th of March.
I'm currently in a place where I feel threatened by anything and my mental health can get triggered by even small interactions with people I know. So I choose to be alone..I constantly beat myself up because I feel that i'm using people or that I'm not being my true self around people? I know that i'm trans and currently dress in feminine attire in private and dress more masculine on public so that nothing gives away my femininity, who I am. I used to dress more feminine in public but a collection of public harassment and in one instance being physically threatened has resorted to me being closeted in public...

I feel like no one knows me/the true me and I wonder if I do at times either. It's like an identity crisis. I am ever so lonely but I have always found human relationships too much and don't get anything out of them or feel good after hanging out with people. I'm constantly insecure and feel judged, restricted when around people. I don't know...I guess i'm having an identity crisis. I come from a fundamentalist christian background and has to sever ties with my family and everyone I knew from my childhood/early life....I often have suicudal ideation and feel that i'm past hope? That i'll never able to form a human connection where I feels secure and truly myself..Sometimes I feel i'm just going to explode..I'm so done with everything. I feel like a alien in society and alienated everywhere...and have always felt that way..Even in my earliest memories..I don't have memories of wearing womans clothes or those times of happiness,...I just have always felt wrong and had nightmares form a young age..never happy ones..
I kind of have just wrote out everything that's in my mind...EVERYTHING SUCKS ATM!!! Can anyone relate to this or am I just some freak born to suffer on this spherical rock hurling through space?

Hi,

i'm waiting for my first appointment too (2 march), and i'm feeling the same way - an alien in an alienated society.

I cannot be of great help now, i just think that dysphoria is taking a sort revenge biting more deeply right now, since we are moving to find a solution.

I spend most of my time alone in these days - i'm always been very solitary, but in this time of waiting really feel the same as u describe - a sort of "cheater"... Really i think that is dysphoria that increases its sharpness because we are close to do something in order to face "the beast".

In these days i turn from excitement (for the important step i'm doing) to a very deep depression full of fears very quickly - and yes, it's a torture.

Hugs
Aly

I've got/had some of that as a result of being introverted and depressed.

I'm not out, I'm hiding. No one's ever hurt me, but I go out of my way to make sure that can't happen. Its not a good way to live, but I'm a bit paranoid (not clinically).

Few people know the real me, and I'm not even sure I do.

I don't relate well to people and I'm quite disconnected, but I'm fine with that. I don't seem to care much. Possibly that's being introverted.

I don't have some of what you do, but I can easily see how it can happen. It sounds kind of normal given the stress we're all under.

Other than cutting off family and friends, you pretty well described my feelings half a life time ago. People often don't understand why therapy is such an important part of the transition but what you described needs to be overcome and that is what therapy does.

Being transgender is a part of you that can't be altered. You will need to alter your life so you will become comfortable with your body and life. The therapy will only help you dismiss the fear you live with so you can move with comfort into your new life. You are not insane, a sociopath or a bad person, you only live with a fear much like a fear of flying or a fear of open spaces. Once that fear is addressed, you will find there is a much better life waiting for you.

I haven't personally had the harassment, but I've had the extreme fear of it, debilitating even. It took several different therapists to help me get over that because I kept thinking they were lying to me about stuff or trying to get me hurt. Therapy helped a lot with it, but the thing that ultimately put me over the top was the depression from social anxiety. I decided it was worth the risk in order to know what happiness feels like. But therapy was absolutely necessary for me. Without it I wouldn't be here today.

I had friends, but I couldn't hang out with them for more than about an hour without feeling a NEED to get the heck out of there. The conversation would always turn to something that I had zero interest in and it would stay there the rest of the day/night. I felt like people were talking down to me. I felt like I only ever got invited if I happened to be there when they made the plans. I felt like they were telling me one thing to my face and discussing me behind my back. Some family members would even joke about beating up LGBTQ people just because they were there, others would constantly remind me that those people were going to spend an eternity in Hell. Mind you this is all before any of them knew the real me, so the fact that I already had this anxiety dramatically increased my fear of coming out.

But I can tell you that now that I've taken the plunge, I am considerably happier than before. I still have some anxiety mainly because I'm uncomfortable with my voice progress and around certain types of people like laborers because I expect them to behave like my father did.  I wish family would have accepted the news better, but I couldn't have asked for more with friends and coworkers. I also run into weird looks and sirs and see news articles that make me think maybe this isn't the best idea.Then I remember the path I was heading down by avoiding this and realize that no matter how difficult this path gets, it's the only way forward.

I too live with anti society disorder,but like all fears I face them head on,it was because of this I became a know it all so I could be part of any conversation. I could be the toughest tg you ever met for I live my life and of someone doesn't like it they stay away and for the most part keep their comments too themselves. See I knew from a early age I was a female with a penis instead of a vagina, my dad knew something was wrong so he taught me survival skills so I could survive being different,at 17 I got tired of being ma'am so I dry shaved for 4yrs did manage to pull off a mustache but a beard no way and the weird thing is my facial hair is like steal wool and will full the best razor in no time flat. I was forced into therapy for 3yrs when I was 13 to 16 it didn't help for all they wanted to do is out me on meds for anger issues never told them the truth for it wasn't their business too know. To this day I don't trust therapy of any kind,I had to see a shrink for social security and he said I was suffering from ptsd I asked how for it doesn't bother me and I haven't faced any trauma in my life other then beating up bullies..My wife is somewhat excepting of Cheryl and we do things together and share our lives with one another.. I hope you the best on this journey.

Quote from: treebird on February 27, 2016, 07:28:41 AM
I haven't posted for a while.

I am awaiting for me first GIC appointment on the 8th of March.
I'm currently in a place where I feel threatened by anything and my mental health can get triggered by even small interactions with people I know. So I choose to be alone..I constantly beat myself up because I feel that i'm using people or that I'm not being my true self around people? I know that i'm trans and currently dress in feminine attire in private and dress more masculine on public so that nothing gives away my femininity, who I am. I used to dress more feminine in public but a collection of public harassment and in one instance being physically threatened has resorted to me being closeted in public...

I can relate to this. I don't think you're a sociopath based on what you told me. I think your body dysphoria is so bad an you are ashamed of yourself. I went through this all my life and still, because everyone sees me as a pretty girl, but I don't get taken seriously or get much respect as a man. Most of my life I have been estranged by other girls/women. I was ashamed of my body and it still doesn't express who I am. You should get some transfriends. A good way to do that is if you have a Unitarian Church near you they have a good GLBT population and resources. There may be support groups in your area.

Hey Treebird,

Sounds kinda bleak over there?  I would suggest that many people here can easily relate to feeling like an alien in there own home and skin.  I did for many too years.

I hope you will continue to reach out here and IRL.  We can conquer our fears and and you are worth the effort.  You can turn this around one step at a time.  We are best able to love others and be open to relationships as we accept and learn to love ourselves.  Of course you have value and more of that will come your way as you allow yourself to be yourself in what ever ways you need.  Hang in there, we care