So I thought I'd finally worked out that I know who I am. What I am an who I want to be...
I've told my doctor, my best friend, even my wife.

I then got declined treatment through the local nhs psychology team here in Leeds. U.K. And things seamed to go down hill from there.

After going back to the doctors I was referred the the psychiatric crisis team which I thought was progress, but after my initial session I've come away feeling very confused.

They told me after my session that I am suffering from severe depression and they believe my thoughts on transitioning are just a part of my depression and I'm dwelling on dreams I've had.

This has made me think am I trans, do I actually hate those parts of my body or is it all in my head.

Has anyone else been though this sort of situation or is it just me? I'm not sure what I'm thinking at the minute.

When your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  To a psychiatrist, everything looks like depression.  You probably know yourself better than anyone.

There may come a time when you will not question this for yourself. I hope that comes to you soon no matter the outcome. To be stuck in limbo is insufferable. I wish you the best.

Cindi

Being transgender can cause extreme depression. I had to live with it between age 13 and about 27. Treatment and RLE reduced it and that type of depression hasn't been back in 33 years. If your doctors don't understand this, they will not know how to properly treat you. It make me a little mad because I fought with this in my transition and so many years latter, uninformed doctors are still no better than witch doctors. CIS people don't feel this degree of discomfort with their gender. Start treating that discomfort and if the depression isn't getting better, look for other causes.

That's a really tough situation to be in, I'm sorry.

There's no reason you can't be depressed AND trans. In fact, if you're trans and not transitioned it'd be pretty hard to not be depressed on some level, I think. But anyway, I did a lot of the "am I/aren't I" thing and I never had anyone, especially not a healthcare professional, tell me I'm not trans. I can only imagine the sort of doubts I'd have if that happened to me.

But I agree with KathyLauren, that you know yourself better than anyone else can. Nobody else can tell you if you are, or are not, trans. It's something you have to search your feelings and figure out for yourself. And once you've done that, don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise.

There are some questions that can help make things clear...someone should really come up with a big list of things to ask yourself in the beginning, if there's not already one floating around. But things like :

"If I could snap my fingers and be the other gender permanently, would I do it?"
"If I were the only person in the world, which gender would I want to be?" (assuming there's no inherent benefit to being one or the other regarding survival or whatever)
"Which gender do I want to grow old as?"
"Am I okay with people remembering me as the gender I am now?"

The idea is to get past the social stigma or fear of transition or whatever else might be clouding the issue and see how you actually feel about your gender. There are more questions we can ask later, if you decide you are trans, to help figure things out from there. But these will do for now.

Be well

Quote from: IdontEven on February 28, 2016, 02:04:15 PM

"If I were the only person in the world, which gender would I want to be?" (assuming there's no inherent benefit to being one or the other regarding survival or whatever)

This is an interesting question for me. When I was a child, I used to fantasize that I was the only one left on the planet so I could be a girl and no one would make fun of me. It is amazing how we are so different yet share so many core feelings.

Cindi

I just wish someone could tell me I am or Arn't. I thought the therapist would help but all its seams to have done is to make me doubt everything again

I don't know if you have given this a try, but I have two links for you to look at. The first is our Wiki where you will see the transgender terms defined. The second link is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will walk with you through transgender and transsexual. Your answers to the questions may help you understand where you fit in.

The fact that you are here questioning yourself tells me you are transgender. The problem is I don't know enough about you to know where in the spectrum you fit in. I am willing to help you explore this but I am not a doctor or therapist. I have had years of living with it which counts for something. Post or PM me with anything you need help with.

Have a *hug*

Well you are not the only one who is dissatisfied:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204905.msg1821002.html#msg1821002

You might ask other doctors. Please tell them about your issues with depression.
They might see it differently and help you through it with a counselor.

If its experienced gender therapists they should be able to sort out which is which and help you find a way to transition if its the right thing for you.

Well another option might be another GIC.

You might make a few changes to hair and clothing style ...
and see how it makes you feel ...
I'd say go with a feeling of joy ...

Just keep on...
have some hope, if its the right thing for you there will be a way.


hugs

Thought I'd let everyone know, I saw a different counsellor yesterday. It felt like a completely different experience. Although I couldn't say yes I am trans he actively persuaded me to explore my feelings, Dress en femme and such to see how I feel.

I know you suggested this Laura but I was sceptical about how it would tip the scales.

And thanks Dena for suggesting the The Transition channel. I found a lot of useful information there, but I still can't be sure of exactly what I want. But I suppose this is the same for everyone and until I further understand it, I won't know what to do.

I'm now just waiting for my next session with the counsellor on Wednesday next week

This and the link there could help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204390.msg1817158.html#msg1817158

Being transgender has biological connections.
Transgender people have been around in all cultures.
Its literally a womans brain in a mans body (and vice versa), in different stages.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.

This might help with self acceptance.
So maybe a way could be explored to be more steady and accepting ... avoiding seesaw patterns...


*hugs*

Quote
They told me after my session that I am suffering from severe depression and they believe my thoughts on transitioning are just a part of my depression and I'm dwelling on dreams I've had.

So lets look at this another way. Part of your depression is from thoughts of transitioning. Perhaps part of your depression is because you are not transitioning. Also, you are dwelling on dreams of being yourself.

You are trans is what I am reading from what you wrote. Also, you suffer from severe long term depression. I was told the same thing. I was told I needed to be an depression medication by my therapist many times. After I did something stupid I saw my doctor and he prescribed medication. The medication helped. Coming out, being in the process of divorce, expressing and becoming myself has done much more to help my depression. When I see my doctor in 3 weeks I will discuss cutting my dose in half.

You are on the right path, addressing who you are. It took me 3 years of gender therapy and a lot of growing to be at the point I am now. Which is accepting who I am and actively becoming myself. You are just starting your journey, be kind to yourself and do not stop until you want to.

Great news about the new therapist. Some therapists will help you figure it out and others assume that if you're not telling them how it is, it's not. I spent years with the first kind and they did help me figure out a lot of things, but it never led me down the path I wanted. The next one I found, I walked in the door and said I'm trans, I am transitioning, and I want a letter for hormones. Within a couple sessions I had it.

Like others, I was also severely depressed pre-transition. It was also causing so much confusion that I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. Once I made the decision to pursue the transition, that confusion vanished. When I got on hormones, the depression lessened. When I went full time, it was gone.

Trans...not trans...I think the more important question is....in the deep recess of who you are,in that place only you go...what do you want...forget consequences for just a second. Where do you see you self given the perfect scenario in say 5 years time or even 10. What is going to fulfill you, what do you want to see happen?

Liz K

I don't think that's right of them, I mean... depression and anxiety usually stem from gender dysphoria so I don't see why that should change all this. I always had anxiety, mostly social anxiety plus anger issues and I realized these issues decreased after I accepted myself, started going by male pronouns and imagining myself as a guy in the future. I think it all depends on how you feel and what you see in your future.