Hi,
I'm new here and I posted an introduction in the main introduction board. I'm probably a bit old really (the ripe old age of 46) to be starting to figure this out, but hey. In truth, I really started figuring it out a long time ago but like lots of people I just buried it inside me. It can't stay there any more. Which is causing a couple of problems in my life but I'm sure I can work those out.
The thing is....I'm really trying to figure out exactly where I fit in with all of this. I mean, gender fluid is kind of the thing that screams to me but I don't know. I've read a few posts here and see that there are some people who find themselves switching between genders, which is what happens to me. I'm not out to everyone, in fact I'm only out to a very ferw so I don't really always have the opportunity to dress as the gender I feel but I definitely have times where I feel much moe one gender than the other. And then sometimes I just feel plain foolish for even thinking about it. It's all very confusing. I have come out to my wife who is great but also kind of resisting the idea. I think she's a bit worried about what might happen but I'm more worried about what might happen if I keep my self buried. It's a bit tough right now but I think we're getting there. Slowly.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense but if anyone can decipher any of it please tell me what you think.
Thanks

Gender fluid or bigender is one of the things I am pretty new at understanding. In addition, only you know what you feel and can put the proper name on it. I have two links for you and the first one you may have seen. I suspect you haven't seen the second which contains much of what you need to ask yourself. Take a look and if you think I can help you, post your questions on this thread and I will respond when I can.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

Thnak you Dena, I'll read those posts.

I have been reading through those threads, it is very helpful although at the moment I probably have more questions than answers but at least I have some questions now, rather than confusion.

One thing that is really bothering me though is am I a different person? I have recently come out to my wife who is pretty amazing but she is struggling. Sometimes she's fine and sometimes not. She told me that I'm a different person now, I don't think I am. What does anyone else think?

Are you a different person? Yes and no. I am sure that answered a lot of questions. First the no. The transition person will not change your like, dislikes or basic personality. You still remain the same person you have always been.
The Yes. Living with the crushing depression or discomfort we have sometimes makes up somewhat unpleasant people to live with. Resolving these issues make us nicer, friendlier and happier. To another person you may very will appear to have changed.

Many of the wives of MTFs and even some of the former wives comment that the transition has made their husband a much better person than they were before. Ask your wife why she thinks you are a different person because the answer may be interesting.

Quote from: Brooke_danielle on February 21, 2016, 03:39:28 PM
Hi,
I'm new here and I posted an introduction in the main introduction board. I'm probably a bit old really (the ripe old age of 46) to be starting to figure this out, but hey. In truth, I really started figuring it out a long time ago but like lots of people I just buried it inside me. It can't stay there any more. Which is causing a couple of problems in my life but I'm sure I can work those out.
The thing is....I'm really trying to figure out exactly where I fit in with all of this. I mean, gender fluid is kind of the thing that screams to me but I don't know. I've read a few posts here and see that there are some people who find themselves switching between genders, which is what happens to me. I'm not out to everyone, in fact I'm only out to a very ferw so I don't really always have the opportunity to dress as the gender I feel but I definitely have times where I feel much moe one gender than the other. And then sometimes I just feel plain foolish for even thinking about it. It's all very confusing. I have come out to my wife who is great but also kind of resisting the idea. I think she's a bit worried about what might happen but I'm more worried about what might happen if I keep my self buried. It's a bit tough right now but I think we're getting there. Slowly.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense but if anyone can decipher any of it please tell me what you think.
Thanks

I'm definitely starting to hone in on where exactly I fit personally. As you can see from my posts that dena shared I really struggled with it hard for a few months. As time goes on I've started to realize that I was just trying too hard to fit myself in this box. Before it was the box of being what a man is supposed to be. Then when I started to struggle with my gender I had started to convince myself that I had to fall into another box, that it would only work if I was a transgender woman.

But that's not the case. We all interpret gender differently and its solely up to you how you identify, and only you know how you really feel. What I suggest is do what makes you happy and comfortable on any given day. If you don't want to out yourself, there are plenty of little things you can do that people hardly notice I've come to find. Try things like under-dressing or simply wearing women's underwear. I also did clear nail polish and brown eyeliner for awhile as well as incorporating more subtle jewelry and accessories to my presentation. They even have clear mascara. I'll often switch these things around, adding and subtracting based on how I feel. I'm finally at the point where I can go to work with black eyeliner and mascara and painted nails with little to no fear of what people will think. I have a couple friend there who are very supportive, but I'm not out to 98% of people at work. Quite frankly, it's none of their business unless I decide it is!

I recently went through another shift. I could feel myself shifting back toward full male mode at the end of the last week. This peaked on Monday when I felt 100% male and even had several thoughts of "well maybe I'm not trans after all". These thoughts can be quite frustrating especially when you know it's probably gonna change. Now here I sit two days later way back on the femme end of the spectrum with makeup and everything.

The thing is though I'm starting to be happy with myself in both modes as well as everything in between. It can get strange and uncomfortable at times, but you get the hang of it as time goes on. My main point is don't limit yourself. You can be, feel, and present however you want to on any given day. The choices are all yours to make.

The same goes with HRT. Though I can see it would cause some changes I would appreciate, at the moment the ends don't justify the means. Right now I think I can be happy exploring my gender identity without a chemical change. Though I may change my mind some day, for right now I even feel that I owe it to myself to find out what is really inside me before I take a step like that. You just gotta find what makes you happy or comfortable and go with it!

As far as your relationship goes, my girlfriend had a lot of fears of what will happen as well but she has been super supportive regardless and now sees more each day how much happier I'm becoming because I'm being more true to myself. I think the same can happen with your wife if you're open with her about how you're feeling, and also reassure her that it won't change how you feel about her. Let her know that having her love and support will only reinforce and even strengthen your love for her. It did for me.

This is the best suggestion I can give. Now is the time in your life for exploration. Don't try and force yourself into any one thing, into any little box or label. Labels are helpful to better understand our individual situations, but at the end of the day they're not important, and can often cloud your judgement. Although labeling is human nature, and in the future may help you explain your experience to others (not to say you owe an explanation to anyone!) In the meantime, do you! You may even find you may fit in several categories, but at the end of the day know that the only category that really matters is your own! Even if you walk alone, walk in your own category with confidence. This confidence will breed both happiness, as well as acceptance. It's much easier for people to accept you when you rock it with confidence!

Feel free to message me if you have any questions or just want to talk! Welcome to Susan's! This place is magically and full of lots of loving and supportive people that make it very clear that you nor I are alone in this!

Much love,

Ry


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks Ry, your message is very helpful and supportive. I really appreciate it. You have definitely given me things to think about and some good ideas on how to move forward too.
Brooke

Quote from: Brooke_danielle on February 21, 2016, 03:39:28 PM
Hi,
I'm new here and I posted an introduction in the main introduction board. I'm probably a bit old really (the ripe old age of 46) to be starting to figure this out, but hey. In truth, I really started figuring it out a long time ago but like lots of people I just buried it inside me. It can't stay there any more. Which is causing a couple of problems in my life but I'm sure I can work those out.
The thing is....I'm really trying to figure out exactly where I fit in with all of this. I mean, gender fluid is kind of the thing that screams to me but I don't know. I've read a few posts here and see that there are some people who find themselves switching between genders, which is what happens to me. I'm not out to everyone, in fact I'm only out to a very ferw so I don't really always have the opportunity to dress as the gender I feel but I definitely have times where I feel much moe one gender than the other. And then sometimes I just feel plain foolish for even thinking about it. It's all very confusing. I have come out to my wife who is great but also kind of resisting the idea. I think she's a bit worried about what might happen but I'm more worried about what might happen if I keep my self buried. It's a bit tough right now but I think we're getting there. Slowly.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense but if anyone can decipher any of it please tell me what you think.
Thanks

Plenty of sense honey.

Its hard to let go and free up.  And gender is not all or nothing, its mixtures that interact together yet you are one.
All parts of who you are, sometimes part is dominate, sometimes it is quiet and another part is dominate.   But it still is all of you at once.  it seems to be the same for all trans.  Some deny this, some do not.

But its best to learn to just feel.  Just be.

And research, research.  Read and learn, here, there, anywhere.  The information is out there.

Nonbinary is complex, misunderstood.  But there are answers.

Be.  Ditch the fear, and be sensitive to your wifes needs.  But feel the feelings.  That is how it starts.

Thank you so much. Those words are so helpful and very sensitive too. Sometimes opening up to my feelings is difficult, I think I am scared of what I will find but I am slowly overcoming the fear.
Thank you

Hey, on the whole being a different person thing...

Personally, that was partially true, and it was a good thing.  I feel so much more alive than I did in the past.  But am I really that different?  Not really.  My personality has been there the whole time, it was just all locked up.  Close friends knew who I was.  Now its just amplified and I'm not afraid to be myself.  Interesting concept there, just a thought:)

    ~ Winter

I was at an lgbt mental health conference a few weeks ago,  a trans woman gave a great speech, she ended with this statement
"Society is obsessed with putting people in boxes, if you're not comfortable with the boxes on offer then make your own & screw the lid on tight"

Only you can know who you are on the inside & how you wish to progress, I wish I could help you find the box you feel comfortable with but all I can truly do is say I support you whatever you decide.
Sorry I can't help more.

Winter, thanks for your thoughts. I kinda get what you mean, I've been thinking hard and I guess I do see it. I think I just want people to see me and also to have always seen me, but I guess that's just a search for a utopia. I think I really mean that I wish I hadn't hidden myself for so long.

Jayne, I think I have spent a long time in with the lid screwed on the wrong box. I think now I finally may be building my own box. Thank you for your support. It is all the help I could ask for.

Quote from: Brooke_danielle on February 23, 2016, 03:26:17 AM
One thing that is really bothering me though is am I a different person? I have recently come out to my wife who is pretty amazing but she is struggling. Sometimes she's fine and sometimes not. She told me that I'm a different person now, I don't think I am. What does anyone else think?

You are the same person.  But parts of you are changing.  It's that old paradox... if you replace every part of a boat one by one, is it the same boat?  At what point did it become a different boat?

You're aware of your gender.  That won't go away.  Your wife's partner is going to undergo unknown changes -- she's got some ->-bleeped-<- to deal with, and you need to let her do that.  However both of you should be venting away from each other.  Couples in transition can be greatly helped by counseling -- some do couples, my wife and I just each have our individual counselors.

Communication is absolutely key.  If your wife is open to you talking about your gender, read up on nonbinary folk and see if something clicks for you.  Many of us come into transition just seeing binary gender... often we pause or stop at some midway point, or as I like to describe genderfluidity, live in a state of perpetual transition.  She'll be exposed to what you think about various things, and come to understand you better.  The fear of the unknown will go away.

Here are some things I've written about me recently.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202731.msg1803850.html#msg1803850
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204844.msg1820302.html#msg1820302
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204844.msg1820671.html#msg1820671

Quote from: Brooke_danielle on March 01, 2016, 12:09:14 AM
Winter, thanks for your thoughts. I kinda get what you mean, I've been thinking hard and I guess I do see it. I think I just want people to see me and also to have always seen me, but I guess that's just a search for a utopia. I think I really mean that I wish I hadn't hidden myself for so long.

Hey, this is part of the process of self acceptance.  Some folk are actually 20-25 years older than you before they realize.  No age is too old.

> What have I done for 46 years?
> Why did I lock up?
> So what label fits me?
> What about my wife?
> What about my job?
> ...

Questions like that are common.  Even though I was questioning myself far earlier, I still had a good decade of childhood to question myself.  Honestly in those years I never really talked to anyone, had little personality, etc.  And my reason for the lock-up is just because I didn't know how to be myself, because I didn't know I was a girl all those years

The first step is between you and your mind, always.  A therapist (even a non-gender specialized) can help if you need it.  It takes some people longer than others to come to a confidently self-accepting stage where they have almost no questions about their identity.  Some people decide that they're actually happy with what they've been viewed the entire time.  It's a different case for everyone.

I encourage a few things and discourage a few things in this stage.

DO:

> See a therapist if you feel like you need it
> Experiment with your appearance in private
> Observe how you feel from time to time about your current gender state (for those who think there might be some fluidity involved)
> Talk to your wife if need be (friends too!)

DON'T:

> Worry about finding a label for yourself (whether you're genderfluid or bigender etc.).  Once you're confident that you've found yourself, only then we'll check out what you identify as.
> Experiment in public.  99% of the time this is just a bad idea if you're not confident yet.

If you want to begin some of these things, then go ahead and ask right on this thread or pm me


  ~ Winter

Thank you Winter, that strikes me as very sage advice, and comforting too. I will take your advice for sure and may well pm you at some point.
Thank you again