This article got published in the university magazine I attend. I hope this helps people who deal with what I went through and are still going through.
Beyond the Reflection
Looking into a mirror for some people is no problem, especially when they are comfortable with who they are on the outside, and inside. One may call it confidence, but I call it identity. Identity as we know is someone who is the name of a person, or even how one sees themselves. Looking into a mirror maybe easy for some but for people like me it becomes more than a mirror, but rather a darken reminder that we are not who we want to be. Therapist, and the federal government call this gender dysphoria, or for the lack of a better word transgender. Transgender though is just an umbrella term for many different things we all do not want to know or understand, because it scares the crap out of us so we just pretend just to not feel alone.
When I look into a mirror I see a male, but I am not a male, nor am I female. Confusing right that is where the fun begins when your therapist says you have gender dysphoria, but your neither male, nor female. This type of thing is known as the non-binary genders. As unique as it sounds, and creative, it is still a label of uncertainty, with a hint of confusion to it. I can admit deep down beginning my journey of self-discovery I was skeptical, and I hated mirrors. Mirrors are the constant reminder of truth, and vision. We see the person, who we want to be on the inside, and outside, but the mirror reflects the truth, or for me the mockery of the person I am yet to become, and erase.
People like me can dress androgynous, change our name to more of a gender-neutral one, but most of us cannot afford simple surgeries to balance out our male or female faces to a more neutral one. A wise gay drag queen by the name of Ru Paul always points out the truth with one powerful saying, and that is "if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anybody else." That is true for all people, but especially for transgender of all kinds.
Until recently finding out who I am as a person, and why I feel the way I do, and achieving many things in regards to my identity. I have come to realize that I do not hate the mirror, or the reflection, because there is always something beyond that reflection that will overpower the mockery. For me it was myself, and not embracing my identity that I had locked away for years. I am now proud that I am a non-binary transgender.
