I am reading a lot about FTM transition but I am sincerely lost. My crush is about to start transition FTM so I am trying to understand things as deeper as possible and I have to state it here too that I am new both here and in the lesbian FTM community of the city.
Said that: my crush, born woman, butch look now, always identified (when talking with me in private) as a boy but she hangs out at lesbian cafés and night clubs, dates lesbians (has one 10 years younger girlfriend since 2 years now) and has sex with strap. Lesbian common friends told me SHE is not a lesbian but a guy and as such thinks and acts. They also told me (when I had fallen for HER) that SHE "never gave it to any girl" ( referring to sex, off course) and that is maybe why she rejected me though being each other very involved in the friendship we had. So now, the question is, what is going on?  I mean.. How should I consider this person in this moment of her life? And also: her girlfriend, blind from jealousy, yelled at me to stop bothering HER and stop having any contact (tough it's hard cause we share friends and gym).. And for about a year time now I didn't look at HER nor talked to HER (unless needed). Due to parties and time flow, things between us are kinda better now. She never stopped looking for my sight and when our eyes meet I can still feel what we had stopped. Do you think I should approach her (despite the "ban" imposed to me by HER girlfriend) and tell them that I am here in case of any need?

Why are you saying SHE and HER?

An ftm is not a lesbian.

Hi dear T.K.G.W,

and thanks for the reply! I am using She and Her 'cause this is the way the common friends we share address to this person. They use feminine pronouns but when it's about the lesbian group, they say She is not a lesbian but a boy. This person is having a girlfriend who is lesbian.. That is why I am getting confused..

This is a complicated question.

Most FTMs live as men, use male pronouns (he and him) and don't date lesbians. Most of us would hate that.

But sometimes, an ftm who hasn't transitioned to male will continue dating lesbians and living as a woman. It sounds like this guy can't transition or doesn't want to transition, but still identifies as a man.

The truth is that everyone's different. Some people are happy living as lesbians and using female pronouns. In some parts of the world where it's hard to transition, the best choice may be to continue living as a lesbian.

Hi, and welcome!

I realise this is all very new and confusing to you, and it's clear from your posts that your heart is in the right place and you want to do what's best for your crush. You sound puzzled about why he's dating a lesbian when he claims to be a guy, right? Shouldn't he be dating straight girls if he's a guy? Or if he's dating a lesbian, does that mean he's not really a guy? Is that what's confusing you?

If so, let me try to explain it to you: about 1/3 of trans people are straight/heterosexual, i.e. attracted to the opposite gender. Another 1/3 are bisexual or pansexual. Your crush sounds like he is either straight or bi/pan: whatever he may currently look like, he is in actual fact a guy who is attracted to women. But when it comes to dating, the problem he has is that other people have always seen him as being female. So if he's been trying to live as a woman and he's sexually attracted to women, who is available for him to date? That's right: women who are interested in dating women, i.e. lesbians or bisexual/pansexual women.

That's why he's dating a lesbian. We're all human and we all need love, so he has to find it where he can. The only women who were interested in him were women who like women, so that's the group he had to pick from. Dating a lesbian doesn't change the truth of who he is in the slightest - and dating him doesn't change their identities either.

But as he continues through his transition and starts looking, sounding, feeling and (god help him) smelling more masculine, the sort of women who are attracted to him will change. Most (but not all!) lesbians will lose interest in him and he may start to feel uncomfortable in lesbian spaces; bisexual & pansexual women may still be interested; and those straight ladies are going to start taking an interest in him! At that point, he'll have the option of dating a straight woman if he wants.

But do be respectful of his relationship with his girlfriend, just as you would with any other relationship. If people are in a committed relationship, that relationship should be respected - especially by their friends. And also: be aware that there are plenty of women who identify as lesbians who are in happy, committed, long-term relationships with trans guys. In many cases, they fell in love before he transitioned, and that love has kept them together. It's up to each couple whether they stay together through his transition, but if his girlfriend is warning you to stop sniffing around her man, she probably loves him a great deal and is prepared to at least try to keep their relationship going through his transition. They've already been together for two years: this isn't a casual fling!

So if you truly want to be there for him, the first thing you should do is to ask your friend what pronouns he prefers. Then use those pronouns at all times, including in the lesbian group if that's what he wants. It'll help get everyone else into the habit of addressing your friend correctly. Tell him you'll be there for him and will support him - but keep a respectful distance when it comes to romantic matters.

BTW, what T.K.G.W. was trying to say is this: in the trans community, it's considered inappropriate to call someone by the wrong pronouns. If (as you say) your crush has told you that they're really a guy and are about to start transitioning to male... then your crush is a guy the respectful thing to do would be to refer to him with male pronouns unless he specifies otherwise. For the overwhelming majority of trans guys, being called 'she' or 'her' is excruciatingly painful and very disrespectful. We've all experienced it at some point of our lives, so seeing another trans guy being referred to as 'she' or 'her' brings back bad memories of what it felt like for us. Please don't do it - especially not in capital letters (that's what transphobes do; please don't be like them!).

This sounds like a scenario where you need to sit down with the person and see what they want.  There is a lot of "this person told me this" and "this person told me that", but I don't see the part where your crush states what they want out of life.  Being trans is very personal and the path is different for everyone.  I know some lesbians who do not consider themselves men who go by "he" and fit all the things you describe. Then some FTMs (like me) are just guys who want to be guys but don't know how to navigate a straight dating world when they don't pass yet. I also know some trans guys who do not transition and remain in the lesbian community, so your friend could be this as well.  I ALSO know some genderqueer people who would fit the definition you describe.  Only your crush can answer your questions.  We are human beings so asking this is like someone asking a random lesbian what Ellen Degeneres likes in bed and whether she'd be fun to date.  How would they know--they don't know Ellen Degeneres!

Also, if you really feel this person is trans then you should try and respect that no matter what their friends do, at the very least by saying not ephasizing every single HER with capital letters and preferably by saying "they" or "he".  Some FTMs don't mind being misgendered, but most of us find it pretty painful.  If it turns out they prefer "she" then you might want to mention it in your posts so that we understand that this is your friend's preference rather than a type of misgendering since it is rare for FTMs to want to be called "she" but very common for us to be misgendered out of either ignorance or hate.  Not chastising you or anything, just trying to give you some insight into the trans community since you are new!

Wow dear friends, you wrote me amazing things! I am really thankful to all of you! You underlined very important issues that I didn't "consider" as in need of care at the moment (such as the pronouns to use or the way this person is feeling). As I was not talking to this person since quite a while and just managed to get to know everything by talking with our common lesbians friends, seeing them still using feminine pronouns, I kept on using them too  But surely, I didn't want (and don't want in any case) to hurt none. The capital letters where just to better highlight my crush among other actors  Said that, I agree with you when you suggest me to have a talk with him so to get first-hand news, not always involving other people - as that, in the long run,  can also get annoying to all... Of course I want to respect his relationship - as I did since his girlfriend stopped me. I must therefore find a way to talk to him without causing discomfort to his girlfriend. I will offer all my help / support and then it will be up to him to come to me in case of need. Thanks for helping me to better understand what can happen. In the Country where I live is not very easy to deal with certain issues, so, all you have written is precious to me. Thanks a lot! Ps. it is the first time I refer to my lovely crush using masculine pronouns  and I'm feeling kinda embarrassed.. really.

I'm confused about what is going on. The wording is a little confusing. So from what I gathered you like this girl who has only told you that she is ftm. So to all of your friends and her girlfriend she is just butch but they speculate that she's ftm. You really like her but she has a girlfriend of 2 years that won't let you see her? But you want to be there for her? Is that correct?

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk

Hmm, no dear Haeden.. the story is the following: There is this young woman ( let's call her G.) whom I fell for last year. She looks like a butch one, has a very young girlfriend (who declares to be lesbian) and works in my gym. Here, me and G. have common friends, all lesbian. These people introduced me to the LGBT world - after my crush- and told me G. is not a lesbian like them, but rather a boy (both in mind and behaviour). Since G.'s girlfriend last summer got jealous about me being around G. she imposed me to stop being around. For respect of such request, I stopped being around G. and this included also face to face talking/sharing. Because of such imposed block/silence, if I want to know something about G. I have to ask our common friends. These friends, few months ago, told me G. is about to start FTM T transition, that G's girlfriend is attending this process with attention and that it is a very hard one. Since I didn't know anything serious about transition, I came here.
I was curious to get to know more about every possible side of such an important step, and I wanted also try to understand if I should approach G. to offer my support in case of need - and that despite G's girlfriend ban from last summer. It is really complicated I know.. Guess for me, as first contact with the community!! LOL
I hope I was more clear now Thanks dear for writing!! 

Personally, I wouldn't want to be approached by anyone if I hadn't told them directly about my transition. And especially in this situation, if they haven't made an effort to contact you since their girlfriend asked them not to talk to you, they probably don't want/need your support.

I know you're trying to be a good friend, but it comes across as kind of stalker-ish in my opinion.

Ok FTMax, I understand. And it does make sense what you say..
I will see how things go the next weeks, in case.

I know how much annoying it can be having someone around against your will, so, I completely agree with your suggestions.

I had thought about approaching G. cause I saw our "distance" getting smaller lately. Sometimes she assists/checks on my trainings (with an other trainer) and we exchange (again) some eye contact or some little dialogue about things..

(just to say but it's not important at all I guess: last week I was changing my clothes when G. entered the room and saw me in my underwear. She stood stuck few seconds and then ran out mumbling something..  G. is so nice looking.. )



But you said somehing serious, so, thanks! Really.

I am getting a lot from you all here!

Okay, I have to say this is seeming a bit high schoolerish to me at this point.  I suggest you go up to "G" and say to him "hey, it seems like we don't talk much anymore--are you okay with us being friends and hanging out sometime or is it best that we just remain acquaintances?"  His girlfriend doesn't own him, but it isn't good to judge a relationship based on whether you had some eye contact.  The grown up thing to do is to simply be open and ask him if he wants to be friends/is comfortable being friends.  If he is then he will probably tell you on his own if he wants to about the transition thing.  Otherwise it's not really your business since it looks to me like you two were never close friends.  Stop basing your actions on the actions of the people around this guy and talk directly to him.  He gets to decide who is involved in his life as well as what he shares about his transition.  Honestly, if I were in his shoes I would be VERY embarrassed to discover I was the center of the lesbian gym gossip.

FtMich, you're right. It sounds (and looks) very schoolerish to me too, that is why I am getting lost. The gym group - however- talks as if doing so was normal to them. They told me they know everything about everyone cause that is a "closed group" of friends and they share information.. Mah..
I will listen to your advice and go straight to the point. I offer, that's it.
As for my friendship with this person, there was a good one, but we were just enjoying it as it was stopped.
But that is past and we gotta go on!
Thanks again for the attention! Really!

It's not uncommon for an FTM to enter into a relationship with a girl and try to identify as a lesbian until realising that they're actually trans and a male. That's what happened with my girlfriend and me. I had no idea I was trans or what being transgender even meant when her and I started dating so at first we identified as a lesbian couple. That lasted for all of six months because I was too uncomfortable identifying as female in any part of my life, discovered I was transgender and now we identify as a straight couple.

Yes, it can be confusing especially for someone on the outside of the relationship looking in but what your friend and his girlfriend are going through is something private between them until they're comfortable enough to let others know what's going on. If you're a good friend of his it doesn't hurt to ask but you shouldn't pry. You have a crush on him but he doesn't feel the same way so it's probably best to let it go and let him and his girlfriend have some space.

Contravene, dear, thanks for the kind reply too! I fully understand what you said and I guess I will take all of your advices and I will do my best to walk in this situation so new for me. As I wrote above, I have no intention of disturbing anyone. I will observe how things will develop and based on this, I will make my move. I do not need to say much to help out. I think. Certainly, I won't do anything now, because it still is not the right time. If there will be an opportunity, perhaps I will say something. In any case, for now, thank you all for having been so close to me in such an emotional moment.