OK, so I Have my second endo appointment on Tuesday and my therapist will provide me the letter on Monday. Blood work is all good and I'm ready to go and while I was always 100% sure that this is the only way to go, I'm getting really nervous and unsure now.

My wife keeps telling me that society is not ready for trans people and that there will be no good solution for me until the end of my life since I will always see the male in the mirror no matter what I do. She also tells me that I should not only look at transgender supermodels but at those who don't look perfect and look like a joke which are the vast majority.... It really hurts to hear this from the woman I still love... She also keeps telling me that I should start learning to be there for others and not only put my problems first.... I'm really confused as I suppressed my feelings for decades and failed with that approach badly.... I ended up being a bad husband and dad because I could not stop thinking about wanting to be a woman and stopped seeing and feeling what was going on around me... How can I fix this without transitioning? I just don't get it.

I'm lost.
-J

I disagree with your wife. She is the one being selfish. She is also scared for you perhaps. In the end, you must do what is best for YOU and in doing so, you will become a better, more loving person so others around you, close to you will ultimately BENEFIT. Today, society is much more tolerant of transgendered individuals and if you pass well, it is even less of a problem. If your wife truly loves you, then YOUR happiness should be the only thing that matters in the end and if this is who you feel you are on the inside, if this is going to make you happier inside, then she should be happy too, should be encouraging.

I know it's hard when someone so close to you is trying to discourage you, is not onboard, etc but perhaps give her time to adjust as well and keep repeating that in the end, it will make things better, not worse, for everyone. Reassure her.

Good luck.

The time leading up to HRT is a very delicate time. I was sure I wanted hormones and then as it became more of a reality the fear set in. But that's all it is, cold feet, a perfectly common reaction. Try to remember that there's a reason you were sure you wanted HRT. Cis people generally don't like the idea.

Please be careful, the things your wife is saying to you seem really dangerous...

"society is not ready for trans people" Society is at the same place regarding trans people as it was in the '90s regarding gay people. Remember when Ellen DeGeneres came out and how huge of a deal that was? And now NOBODY CARES. It's not the easiest thing in the world to be trans, but it's improving very, very rapidly.

"there will be no good solution for me until the end of my life" That's so wrong I don't even...That is some truly morbid stuff that nobody should ever say to someone else, especially not when they're in such an emotionally vulnerable state. Please don't lend any credence to this statement, it is NOT TRUE.

"will always see the male in the mirror" Yes, if you don't transition. If you DO transition you stand a very good chance of getting over the dysphoria that's plagued you your entire life and finding happiness. Including not hating what you see in the mirror!

"don't look perfect and look like a joke which are the vast majority" That can literally be said of every group of people on the planet, in regards to looking perfect or like a supermodel. As for looking like a joke, I'd be willing to bet that the "vast majority" of trans people your wife meets she has no idea are trans. This is just another argument intended to play on your fears.

"start learning to be there for others and not only put my problems first" Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. How selfish is it to ask someone to continue experiencing the misery they've carried around their entire lives just so your life doesn't change?

I think it comes down to this. Are you willing to live the rest of your life as a male in order to make your wife happy? Would she make that sort of concession for you?

If you don't have one, please get a therapist you can talk to for some objective, outside perspective and advice.

Quote from: KayXo on March 04, 2016, 09:42:59 AM
I disagree with your mom. She is the one being selfish. She is also scared for you perhaps. In the end, you must do what is best for YOU and in doing so, you will become a better, more loving person so others around you, close to you will ultimately BENEFIT. Today, society is much more tolerant of transgendered individuals and if you pass well, it is even less of a problem. A parent's first and foremost priority is their children's happiness and if this is who you feel you are on the inside, if this is going to make you happier inside, then your mom should be happy too, should be encouraging rather.

I know it's hard when someone so close to you is trying to discourage you, is not onboard, etc but perhaps give her time to adjust as well and keep repeating that in the end, it will make things better, not worse, for everyone. Reassure her.

Good luck.

Hi KayXo,

thanks a lot for your encouraging words. I really appreciate that.

-J

PS: I was referring to my wife, not mother.... although sometimes she sounds like my mom... ;-)

Quote from: IdontEven on March 04, 2016, 09:53:50 AM

I think it comes down to this. Are you willing to live the rest of your life as a male in order to make your wife happy? Would she make that sort of concession for you?

No, there is no way I could live the rest of my life as a male. I've tried it for over 40 years and it didn't really work out...

Quote from: IdontEven on March 04, 2016, 09:53:50 AM
If you don't have one, please get a therapist you can talk to for some objective, outside perspective and advice.

I do have a therapist who works with lots of trans people and she is great

Thanks a lot
-J

Quote from: JessicaSondelli on March 04, 2016, 10:02:04 AM
PS: I was referring to my wife, not mother.... although sometimes she sounds like my mom... ;-)

Haha! Yea, I totally misread, perhaps a Freudian slip on my part...me and my mom...anywho...I changed my reply accordingly.

QuoteMy wife keeps telling me that society is not ready for trans people and that there will be no good solution for me until the end of my life since I will always see the male in the mirror no matter what I do.

Society may never be ready for us but that didn't stop me from starting my transition 35 years ago. I have been treated pretty much like anybody else and I see no reason why it should be any different for you.

Quote
She also tells me that I should not only look at transgender supermodels but at those who don't look perfect and look like a joke which are the vast majority.... It really hurts to hear this from the woman I still love... She also keeps telling me that I should start learning to be there for others and not only put my problems first.... I'm really confused as I suppressed my feelings for decades and failed with that approach badly.... I ended up being a bad husband and dad because I could not stop thinking about wanting to be a woman and stopped seeing and feeling what was going on around me... How can I fix this without transitioning? I just don't get it.

I didn't transition to be a super model. I decided if I were to end up a ugly woman, I would be comfortable with myself as long as I was a woman.

As for putting our feeling ahead of others, most of us have a habit of caring for others before ourself. It's the reason we try to keep this bottled up for so many years. This argument is used often the first time we attempt to do something we need for our happiness instead of the happiness of others. The transition isn't going to change the way you are and it may even help you become more caring of others because you will no longer fighting a raging battle inside yourself.

Quote from: JessicaSondelli on March 04, 2016, 07:41:38 AM
OK, so I Have my second endo appointment on Tuesday and my therapist will provide me the letter on Monday. Blood work is all good and I'm ready to go and while I was always 100% sure that this is the only way to go, I'm getting really nervous and unsure now.

My wife keeps telling me that society is not ready for trans people and that there will be no good solution for me until the end of my life since I will always see the male in the mirror no matter what I do. She also tells me that I should not only look at transgender supermodels but at those who don't look perfect and look like a joke which are the vast majority.... It really hurts to hear this from the woman I still love... She also keeps telling me that I should start learning to be there for others and not only put my problems first.... I'm really confused as I suppressed my feelings for decades and failed with that approach badly.... I ended up being a bad husband and dad because I could not stop thinking about wanting to be a woman and stopped seeing and feeling what was going on around me... How can I fix this without transitioning? I just don't get it.

I'm lost.
-J

If you base your choices on what other people might think about you, you're never going to be happy. Your choices need to be for and about you. Your wife may be fulfilling the devil's advocate roll to fill you with doubt because she's afraid of losing you, or the concept of you. You're more than just her spouse though, and if she wants you to live in pain and lying to the world, then she doesn't love you as much as you might think.
Being trans isn't your fault, and your wife doesn't have to understand it since most cis people can't. Trans people have been around for ages, if the world has been open to trans people for ages as well. Trans people might not be accepted among bigoted religious folk who misread Leviticus as though parts of it were law, but those people can't prescribe trans care and treatment for the western world despite how much the idea causes them chagrin.
The reason you're just getting around to transition is BECAUSE you were putting other people ahead of yourself. Your wife is being a jerk, give her space, let her sulk privately. You do not need to consult her for your transition plans, they are up to you. If she leaves you, you'll find someone else who hopefully won't frak with your head like this. Look at trans supermodels as much as you want, your outcome will be closer to how a twin sister would look, it's up to you how much you want to augment yourself to compensate for development influenced by your testosterone. It is important to be realistic, but you'll never get anywhere if you don't take the necessary steps.
Congrats on your health and starting HRT! Transition is hard, but so worth it IMO.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Im having the cold feets too....

Im about 3 weeks out... just relax a bit. its got to be a normal feeling. I cant really comment on the wife thing...mine is not really giving me problems

Quote from: Dena on March 04, 2016, 03:44:31 PM
The transition isn't going to change the way you are and it may even help you become more caring of others because you will no longer fighting a raging battle inside yourself.

Thanks Dena,

That is indeed my biggest hope and even if I'm only able to achieve this, I will consider it a success

-J

I'm not too fond of your wife right now. It sounds like she subscribes to the women must fit this stereotype mentality. They don't. It's a lot easier to hide your core self (trans aside) from the world, than from a spouse. The person she knows as the real you, isn't going to change. You'll just look a little different and probably be more open about your feelings. I still do the same things around the house. I don't treat the kids any different than I did before. I still have the same hobbies. My wife says I'm better than I was before. My friends say they've never seen me so happy before.

I got nervous about every step of the way, including the hormones. I kept wondering if I was making the right decision. You don't know until you try it though. And what I found was each time I tried something new, I wanted to keep going even more than I did before.

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 05, 2016, 08:04:09 AM
And what I found was each time I tried something new, I wanted to keep going even more than I did before.

Very much this.

Yes, me too... I want to try more... but hormones is such a big step, its got me doing way more thinking and bouncing around, but I am set on trying it... I just cant help the doubts

Quote from: RitaChans on March 05, 2016, 02:01:25 AM
Im having the cold feets too....

Im about 3 weeks out... just relax a bit. its got to be a normal feeling. I cant really comment on the wife thing...mine is not really giving me problems

I'm not going to chicken out. NFW! Going on HRT sounds like a huge step but I can stop any time if I think it's the wrong way - which I'm sure it's not ;-). It's one big advantage of us MTF's compared to FTM,  the non-reversible effects don't occur immediately and since I already have kids, I don't have to worry about that, too plus I don't believe I'm going to want those boobs gone....

3 more days.... tic tac... Can't wait...

love u all - you're awesome!
-J

You beat me to it, Jessica!

I was just typing this.  I decided to transition two years ago.  I started by seeing a therapist to have someone objectively and professionally listen to me and make sure I am making sense.  Then I started laser/electrolysis.  Yes, that's a permanent change, but it takes a long time, and I could change my mind without much consequence.

After almost a year of seeing a therapist, and going through the agony of facial hair removal, my next biggest step was actually getting my ears pierced, lol!  Growing your hair out is one thing for a guy, but pierced ears was a huge step into the wild blue yonder as far as I was concerned.  I got some comments, but nothing terrible, and it really increased my confidence that I could do this.

Last summer I started HRT. For me, it was a lot less scary than getting my ears pierced. Yes, one is actually making serious changes to one's body, but as you pointed out, you can change your mind early on and it is all reversible.  I am older, and already have kids, so sterility was never a concern.  In fact, I was already pretty much sexually non-functional as a male before I started HRT, so all I lost was those involuntary erections at night, and my libido, both of which I considered a plus.

For any trans girl on the fence about transition, I think HRT is a great diagnostic, or at least it was for me.  Within days, I was calmer, and my dysphoria was all but gone.  I felt better about myself.  Over the last few months, I have noticed a lot of physical effects, like reduced body hair, softer skin and smaller pores, less skin oil, change in body odor, and of course, breast growth. 

As for your wife, Jessica, I can only offer my support.  You are in a tough spot.  I know I don't want to hurt anybody, and I'm sure you don't either.  I just want to be happy, just like you.  I have lived as a male, and done "the right things" for over 50 years.  And I have never been happy.  It's my time now, and I have decided to take what comes.   As others have said, acceptance for transgender persons has never been greater. I think it may be your time, too.

With kindness,

Terri   

Quote from: Obfuskatie on March 04, 2016, 04:03:38 PM
If you base your choices on what other people might think about you, you're never going to be happy. Your choices need to be for and about you.

The reason you're just getting around to transition is BECAUSE you were putting other people ahead of yourself.

Transition is hard, but so worth it IMO.

I should have quoted Katie first.  The whole post was good, but these sentences really resonated for me. Well spoken, Katie!

~Terri

Wow....your wife.... There's a difference between always putting yourself first and doing what you NEED to do to be well. It's not greedy to get a heart operation when your heart is failing you. It's not greedy to check into a therapist when you can't see how you can possibly go on any longer. And it's certainly not greedy to be yourself. To want to live your life happy and without feeling tormented every single day for the rest of your life. Your quality of life IS important and you would think that somebody who loves you would want it to be the best that it can be.

Quote from: Maybebaby56 on March 05, 2016, 03:26:33 PM
I should have quoted Katie first.  The whole post was good, but these sentences really resonated for me. Well spoken, Katie!

~Terri

Much obliged


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just push forward Jessica... you will do fine. 

Quote from: Obfuskatie on March 04, 2016, 04:03:38 PM
If you base your choices on what other people might think about you, you're never going to be happy. Your choices need to be for and about you. Your wife may be fulfilling the devil's advocate roll to fill you with doubt because she's afraid of losing you, or the concept of you. You're more than just her spouse though, and if she wants you to live in pain and lying to the world, then she doesn't love you as much as you might think.
Being trans isn't your fault, and your wife doesn't have to understand it since most cis people can't. Trans people have been around for ages

Well said. I am very sympathetic to the trans spouse dysphoria (at least that's what I call it) your wife is experiencing, but she has to understand how important and necessary it is for you to be able to live as your authentic self. No one should have to suffer so much unnecessarily based on worries about what other people think.