Hey all! My name is Aria and I'm here to introduce myself!
A little background - I am a 28 year old biological male who was raised by a near-single black mother to be "strong" and "like a man". My mother was a neuro-psychiatrist and an extremely strong and intelligent woman. My mother always used to tell me when I was younger to "Stop acting like a hysterical woman" and pointed out to me things when I was younger that led her to believe that I was gay. I thought about it and would have had no problem telling her but I was sexually attracted to females. This caused a lot of confusion for me.
Due to her influence I come off as hyper-masculine but those who know me very well know how emotional and effeminate I can be. I try very hard to hide it as I live in a rough neighborhood now and it would not bode well for me.
A few years back my mother committed suicide, and I live and take care of my father who has parkinsons disease. It is very tough and I have spent a lot of time in a deep depression and smoking away my pain weed and buzzing on adderall. I've job-hopped excessively the last few years, as I've been in sort of a downward spiral.
Now here's where it gets interesting - Since I hit puberty I had a constant fascination with being a woman in my sexual fantasies. Especially the idea of a woman "forcing her way out of me". This schism and not knowing whether I was gay or not began to take it's toll, and I finally asked a close friend about it. She pointed me towards a bunch of resources on Tumblr and after a while it finally hit me - I may be transgender.
I spent the next year acting as a woman online on my tumblr, and even carrying on cyber-sex as a woman. This caused me to start splitting and having a near identity crisis, as I didn't know whether I was Aria or Aaron. After a near-suicidal instance (I've been hospitalized for a week for major depression and anxiety), I asked a close online friend what they thought, and they said I needed to accept who I was. I went to sleep and the next morning I woke up and I knew -
I was Aria. I came out to a few close friends and family that day, and received mostly wonderful responses. I was very good at picking my friend group I must say. My girlfriend started buying me clothes and makeup and the more I tried to more I knew. I was getting in deeper and deeper, it wasn't just a mental thing, now it was being brought into the real world.
The realization made me happier than anything. A huge thing I resent is that before my mom passed she didn't know. She thought I was gay (Not that there's anything wrong with that. If anything it would have been easier), but if she had known I know she would have accepted me and helped me as much as she could. She always told me she wished she had a daughter and hoped that I could give her a granddaughter.
This all leads me up to now, I'm still stealth but I'm learning more and more. I'm in-between jobs and barely have enough food for my father and I, and I have no health insurance. I was running my life into the ground before. Now though, I have a reason to live. I'm starting to fight my depression until I can get HRT, and I'm making plans around this huge life choice. But for the first time I might have found something that makes me happy other than the idea of money. I want to get another chance at my life. And I want it to be so, so beautiful and to help so many people.
I'm getting stronger instead of weaker with this knowledge, and I hope you all will call me your sister one day.
Thank you for reading!
I hope to make some new friends in this new chapter of my life!
(Btw! This is my first ever tale of how I came out. It feels good!)
