I've been thinking about this a lot lately, ever since I got very sick in December after top surgery, and suddenly, much of my life was put in perspective.  Things that I thought were in the background turned out to be very much in the foreground, and vice versa - some positives, some negatives, maybe net neutral, I don't know.

Without going into details, which undoubtedly prompt anger and sympathy, neither of which will help, I'll simply say this: I made a list of the most damaging ways in which I was abused by my mother and some other family members starting at about the age of 4, and it's really quite bad.  My father doesn't know about most of it (especially not the worst of it), and while he is sometimes an irredeemable jerk, he's never been what I would consider abusive toward anyone in my family.  I've already severed ties with my aunt and uncle who either were abusive or were witness to it at various points well into my twenties. 

Since confronting my own mortality late last year, it like each day, I look at this photograph of who I am, and what's shaped me, and the picture's developed just a but more.  I can't escape the reality that is facing me, and has been for years.

If I sever ties with my mother and sister, I'm likely to lose my dad, and certainly, to lose the very limited connection that I have with any of my cousins or their children unless I actually tell them the reasons.  Even if I told my dad or my cousins, I'm not sure that they would believe me.  Sure, I could say that if they don't believe me, they aren't worth keeping in touch with, but it's not that simple. 

I don't want to lose my dad, but I can't even hear my mother's voice anymore without feeling physically ill, and even if I forgive my sister's abuses, we can't stand each other in most cases, and I only make her more depressed anyway.  Except for my dad, everyone in my family would rather I not exist, and frankly, I would rather have no contact with them.  There are things that it's not a matter of me forgiving, some things just cannot be forgiven at all.  Some of it has to do with being "punished" for being trans, but most of the worst of it happened after I realized that I was a not a girl (~age 5), but before I began socially transitioning (age 12). 

I hate this.  I hate being in this position.  But at this point, I really can't keep in contact with my mother, because it just keeps hurting me.

Has anyone else had to cut ties with their family, but managed to still see one parent or sibling?  Can it be managed that way?  Should I tell my father what happened?  What if he divorces her?  My mother's very ill, and can't work.  Even though I can't forgive her, and would never trust her, I have enough Catholic guilt in me to pity a sick person.

I really don't know what the solution is here.

well, I don't know what your solution is. I know I had to cut ties with my sisters because of severe mental abuse. I woke up one day after something happened in my family and realized the abuse that I had been subjected to from my sisters especially my older sister just about my entire life since I was a  child. I guess I denied it because you don't expect a sister to do that , but on long hard mental investigation I realized that's exactly what it was. My parents have past and they were very loving.

My mom was abused by her parents and I spent a long time watching her suffer vacillating between cutting them entirely out of her life and seeing them occasionally while relying on them for financial support. Both options are awful. Were I in your position, I'd tell your dad and sister. If you give them the chance to pleasantly surprise you, they may, and you'll get the added confidence boost of standing up for yourself.
Whatever you do, you don't need poisonous people in your life. But if it's important to keep some family ties, be clear with those you want to keep and let them earn your presence in their lives. You're going to have choose your family from now on, and blood doesn't really matter in these choices.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Abuse at any time is so damaging.  It sounds like you've managed to cut ties with some of the most of the folks involved in the abuse but its never simple.  I cut all ties with my husband last December but because we have a 13 year old together I'm legally tied to keeping in contact, so it hasn't really worked well.  Before and after every phone call I'm sick with worry about what's going to happen during the call and its just exhausting.  You said that you make your sister depressed, but could it be that she gets depressed because she has to face her own actions when she sees you.  Sounds like a difficult situation and only you will know what the right way forward is. I would be tempted to talk to my dad about it if I were you or even email or write and see where you go from there.  I know that for me the only solution is to have no contact with my husband, I just can't follow through on it til my daughter is 16.

Quote from: ButterflyEffect on March 05, 2016, 10:59:33 PM
Has anyone else had to cut ties with their family, but managed to still see one parent or sibling?  Can it be managed that way?  Should I tell my father what happened?  What if he divorces her? 

Yeah, I have. My step father is cool but most of the other family members are selfish and corrosive people. It was fairly easy in my case because as soon as she became independent with a better job than him my mother moved out and moved cities from my step dad, and they only meet up over the grandkids. I myself live more than 300 miles away from all of them so when I say I have contact, it's really only ever by phone or email. But I maintain contact with him, and I suppose when circumstance allows, I can go see him whenever.

If you tell your father, what is said can't be unsaid. Would telling him be a weight off you or a weight on him and how would it make you feel any better? It's a serious decision and not something I think anyone here can really know the full weight of or the consequences of. . .