Hi Ladies - Well...I think I might finally be transitioning...  What I mean is that I'm feeling a bit surreal about everything I'm doing right now.  I'll spare everyone the "known since 4" speech, but I've known since then I wanted to be a woman.  It is my earliest memory.  I'm now 45 years old, married, and have 2 boys.  18 years ago, after I was honorably discharged from the military and during my first year of law school, I was diagnosed with GID by two gender specialists.  I was able once again to repress my feelings because I was scared.  During the subsequent 18 years I had a few bouts of nearly debilitating episodes where the dysphoria surfaced and it basically immobilized me.  The rest reads like "textbook" mid-life trans woman stuff, including alcohol abuse, despising my body, suicidal thoughts, etc.  Finally in December 2015, I once again "snapped" and my dysphoria nearly crippled me.  I then realized that I must finally look at myself and own who I am...whoever that is...or I would kill myself.  In three months I've lost 35 pounds (60 more to go), have completed 30 hours of facial electrolysis, cleared half of my body with an IPL, seen two gender specialists on alternating weeks, had a consultation for FFS with a excellent surgeon, and have been approved to begin HRT in one week.  My wife knows about the HRT, but my children have no idea about anything.  Despite the fact that I'm starting to feel good about myself, I can't help but keep telling myself that I'm really not trans and that I can/should now stop these transitions steps before I do something irreversible and "lose everything"!  I'm wondering if anyone understands what I mean when I say that despite all of the steps I've taken and my life-long feelings of wanting to be a woman, and the hopelessness I've always felt being me, how can I now question whether I'm really a trans woman?!?!  It is like a double-edged sword.  When I'm dysphoric the only thing making me sane is taking steps to finally change my body to be that of a woman; however, the more steps toward that goal I take, the better I feel and then fear sneaks in and tries to convince me to stop.  Stopping, though, will eventually cause again the dysphoria and cause me extreme emotional pain.  I've told my wife and counselors that I don't think I'm capable to going through another dysphoric episode.  I think the next one would really be the end of me. 

I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling, but I would like to know if anyone can relate to my feelings and maybe be kind enough to share their early transition feelings/experiences.         

The "am I/aren't I" thing will subside with time, just try to concentrate on what makes you happy and don't worry about labels. And it sounds like you're in a bit of a whirlwind, which there's nothing wrong with that, but it can take our subconcious a while to catch up. That's the surreal feeling you have, lots of changes in a short time you haven't processed fully yet. Try not to overwhelm yourself or go faster than you can safely handle.

Take care

You may find that once you start HRT the urgency to do everything in a hurry will subside some and you will have time to think.  HRT had that effect on me.  It will also give you some time to evaluate how you feel on HRT, which I expect will be very good as much of the dysphoria will be reduced.

Also, it's generally not recommended to rush into FFS.  Unless you have a Neanderthal brow or something like that you may find that HRT changes your face quite a bit.  So if you could wait a while on that.

You can also continue presenting male for a long time on HRT unless you absolutely feel you need to socially transition right now.  Wait for a few weeks after starting HRT before making any drastic decisions.  It has a way of clearing the mind.


Sapere Aude

I can relate.

Only trans question their gender. I asked at least 10 to 15 people if they ever questioned their gender. The most I got was from a few that they wondered what it felt like being the other gender but they never questioned their gender. My wife asked me and I said constantly.  Well that was then and now I do not question my gender, I know.

I have made a lot of progress and have a long way to go. I have FFS and GCS scheduled and in my 1 year RLE period. I am out totally at work, express and use my preferred name. When I look back all the fear was made up in my mind. I did have to make some choices and have lost my marriage.

When you do something to become closer to yourself you feel better. Well I understand that all to well. Now I continue to do things one at a time to further express who I am. I realized what HR said is true. I can wear whatever I want (with good taste and in social and policy norms) at work. 

I understand about being on the sharp edge of dysphoria. I was in three events in the last 3-1/2 years that were put into motion where I had no control of the outcome and the probability of survival was low and the probability of serious physical injury was very high. I though I could not make the tough decisions. Well I did.

In retrospect I should have made logical decisions but I was not thinking I was feeling. I was feeling through a lifetime of pain filter. So much so little else was in my heart.

What limited me when I was 5 no longer limits me, only I limit myself. Good luck,

best,

Rachel